Cut myself shaving. Fucking Obama.

Ever see a dude, and the first thought you have is, I bet he can fix the fuck out of a computer

Saw a little kid fall off her bike cause she was trying to use her phone while riding.

Bright future.

Phone auto-corrected Hells yeah! to Jells yeah! Didn't change it. Gonna just say that from now on.

This might just be the polo shirt and monster energy drink talking, but I feel like an asshole this morning.

I WASN'T PICKING MY NOSE IT WAS JUST ITCHY SO I SCRATCHED IT GOSH

No but seriously, someone should take this peanut butter away from me and tuck me in.

When life gives you lemons, cut them in half, and rub each half in your eyes.

Saved you money on coffee.

Ever been in a Big Lots bathroom? No? Keep it that way.

Saw a limo just now. You think there was an asshole inside it? Maybe?

I'm starving! Let me eat your chess set. -The Hunger Games

I like how facebook calls a TL a news feed. Like I'm friends with CNN or some shit.

I hope that idiot with the retarded bumper sticker makes it to the Glen Beck book signing he's late for or whatever

Had to stab him. Then I had to get ANOTHER clean fork.

I was so thirsty I drank from the water fountain. #WhitePeopleProblems

You mean I get to sit in traffic AND pay?? Sign me up! - toll road users (me)

Poll: what do you guys think is less funny? The Taco Bell sauce packets or Big Bang Theory?

Remember guys, when a traffic cop does the "talk to the hand" motion, you stop.

A guy from California explained to me what a California stop is. It's like a stop only instead of stopping you don't?

At home depot. Found the wet floor signs they have for sale. Setting them up around the store.