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Internet went out for a whole 5 min today at work. Chaos broke out. I'm missing a cubicle wall & somehow I ended up in the woman's restroom.
If someone calls you immature, the only reasonable answer is to start singing "Who let the dogs out" while pelvic thrusting.
I'm not above busting out the "triple dog dare" on anyone. That includes you too "Liam Neeson", if that is your real name.
I've been secretly choreographing dance moves with my dog, in hopes of finally landing a spot on an Old Navy commercial.
Just witnessed a crazy black guy on the corner yelling, "THE PUSSY IS RIGHT HERE!" I saw no pussy. Anyway, Happy Black History Month.
I might be bias but, boob jokes > dick jokes, let's do what we can to make 2012 a better year for boobs.
If a go a whole day without seeing a woman in yoga pants, I consider the day a failure.
@houstonpress If you need me I'll be in the break room loading up on Penis Juice.
Glad Tiger Woods got a win today. His life started to sound depressing after he got caught banging a ton of chicks & making millions.
The guy that came up with the phrase "don't shit where you eat", must have known some people with terrible table manners.
With the first pick of the 2002 NFL Draft, the Houston Texans select - David Carr from Fresno State University. Let that soak in.
Contrary to what @themontresor thinks, I still tweet. Follow that guy, if you want to see tweets about sperm whales.
Will someone else watch the Melissa King sex tape, so we can discuss how bored she looked during sex?
This BCS National Championship game is a joke. I'm going to watch something more competitive like The Bachelor.
My dog points & laughs at the other dogs in the ASPCA commercials. She's such a bitch.
Just sent a friend request to a Juggalo on Facebook. What the fuck am I doing with my life?
Struggling R&B singer. I occasionally throw rocks at trains.
