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Just my luck, I get the one cop who hates getting a finger in his mouth during a yawn.
Is running in front of cars some sort of gang initiation for squirrels?
Using the toilet on the airplane means I'm certified to teach yoga now.
Most bear attacks can be avoided by never going anywhere near a bear.
My dad's ability to drive with one hand while reaching back and smacking the correct child always impressed me.
I say " I shouldn't be telling you this," at the beginning of every conversation so people will listen to what I'm saying.
My favorite workout at the gym is sitting on the weight bench staring at the mirror thinking about where it all went wrong.
There should be more songs about losing your car in the parking lot.
Sometimes my wife and I talk about having children. mostly when the remote is across the room and neither of us want to get it.
I just misspelled a word so bad that auto correct blew milk out its nose.
If a man loads a dishwasher in the woods and his wife is not around, is it still loaded wrong?
My throat is sore from booing the whole time at my nephews 6th grade band recital.
As I've gotten older, every time I look in the mirror I see my dad more and more. i guess its time to move out, its starting to get weird.
Underwear, pants, then go outside. You'd think I would have this down by now.
It's not easy juggling an unsuccessful career and imaginary family, but I try.
Having a hard time getting my leg out of this blood pressure machine at Wal-Mart.
the first thing I do every morning is practice my touchdown dance, because you just never know.
When you say " I have a dry sense of humor" I hear, "no one laughs at my jokes and I need a hug."
My wife is mad because I didn't help her in a dream she had last night. Marriage is weird.
press #2 for tweets in spanish. I'm the one on the left in my avi.
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