7 Habits of Highly Ineffective People

1. Twitter

2. Twitter

3.Twitter

4. Twitter

5. Twitter

6. Twitter

7. Twitter

So when is this 'old enough to know better' suppose to kick in ?

You need someone to save you? To make everything right in your life again? Stand the fuck up & go to the mirror. There's your savior.

Maybe my mom was right all those years ago. Maybe I won't be happy until someone loses an eye. Maybe that's what's been missing.

I have a fantasy that a big strong man shows up at my door, comes in unannounced & slowly, quietly & methodically renovates my bathroom

Yeah, a twitter crush a half a world away is a great idea. Because apparently, emotionally unavailable just isnt enough for me.

There should be an app that, in the event of your death, your phone will seek the nearest toilet & submerge itself, destroying all evidence

If youve never called ur kid in from 3 rooms away to ask him to hand you something that was 10 ft from you, you'e not doing parenting right

Dear This Generation, You guys are welcome to step up & make some real goddamn music anytime now.. any fucking time

I just returned from a mile long walk in your shoes and well, I still think you're a douche

Actually, I'm probably the least judgemental person ever. You could fist fuck a donkey in Central Park & I just figure you have your reasons

50 Shades of Buy a Real Fucking Book

Opportunity may knock only once ..... but temptation seems to sit outside on your lawn all day staring you down

Apparently, "Press 1 for English" is now code for "Transfer me to someone in India who can fuck this up for you in a big way"

Sometimes the funniest people are burying the deepest of pain - Let's try to remember that about each other around here

Don't judge my motives based on your own insecurities

Most problems can be solved with 2 words

'Fuck it'

- either saying it or doing it - sometimes both

In the entire history of the word 'Fine' - it has never been used by a woman to mean everything is good

New fave thing to do: Tell the person at the 2nd window at the drive thru that the person at the 1st window is talking some shit about them

My ass: There's a slap for that