Sometimes I like to tweet from my cell phone to make people think I left the house.

The best part about having a job is being able to tell people you can't do stuff with them because of work.

If you still answer an upcoming call before you finish a tweet, you're not one of us.

Real men don't cry. Their eyes sweat with relief sometimes.

No one makes better plans than I do when I'm drunk.

I'm so hungry that I could eat without looking at my phone.

Now I know why I'm so bad with names. I don't give a fuck.

Nothing says patience like putting your penis in a small hole in the ground and wait for an earthquake to give you a climax.

Twitter: because I hate real people.

I respect vodka drinkers. They drink to get drunk.

I have the lowest patience level ever, but when it gets to shaving my balls, I am the Dalai lama.

I lost a swimming race to a 9 years old girl, and now trying to convince myself that I'm not a chain smoker but she's a dolphin in disguise.

I'm out with my friends having a great time looking at my phone.

Can't wait to see my shrink tonight at 9. He will be treating me from behind his long wooden desk, that some people call it a "bar".

What am I supposed to do with my new egg follower? Get a chicken to sit on it until it hatches?

The world would be a better place if instead of the handshake, we shake each other's genitals.

Alcohol, because I lost the ability to connect emotionally to any other human being.

You're not done shitting until you pee again. Think about it.

I googled myself because I don't know who I am anymore.

Wear your phone clipped to your belt and you don't have to worry about STDs.