IT'S FIVE O'CLOCK SOMEWHERE! re: taking off my bra

There's just something so much more gratifying about eating someone else's french fries.

next time you think someone hates you because you're pretty, take a second to consider that they may hate you because you're a dumb bitch.

Sending bouquets of newly sharpened pencils from my heart to Nora Ephron & her family. :(

i'm not like most girls who think they're not like most girls but are actually just like most girls.

WHY ARE WE EVEN STILL DOING THIS, BEYONCE WON LIKE AN HOUR AGO

drank too much free beer, barfed in a bass drum, 86'd for flashing Ryan Gosling* (*random dude in leather jacket). #fakesxsw @mindykaling

RT if one of your favorite hobbies is pretending every song ever written is about you!!!

WORK LIKE YOU DON'T NEED THE MONEY, LOVE LIKE YOU'VE NEVER BEEN HURT & DANCE LIKE YOU'RE WASTED AT A WEDDING

i'm not depressed or anything but i would still LOVE to eat everything & sleep forever.

i'm going to make SUCH a difference in the world one day when i'm tired of drinking wine & talking shit.

Real Housewives remind me of hamsters. They make strange noises & eat their own.

SIPPIN ON COKE & RUM! I'M LIKE, SO WHAT I'M DRUNK?! IT'S THE FREAKIN WEEKEND BABY I'M ABOUT TO... Oh. Shit. It's Tuesday.

KEEP UR LAWS OFF MY BEANS

it actually doesn't take that long for me to get ready, it's all the dancing in my underwear that goes along with it that's time consuming.

Not trying to brag but I'm pretty much the Michael Phelps of chilling.

Partying is cool & all, but it ain't no pajamas & hummus.

Invented this new three day juice cleanse, but everyone keeps getting confused & calling it "wine" & a "bender".

every girl has a left-eye lopes inside her, just waiting for an excuse to burn down your house.

shit i need to get together:
1. EVERYTHING