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Let this serve as a lesson to future terrorists: When we finally kill you, we will mock your death with ten billion tweets. Not worth it.
The Celtics should replace their dancers with the sisters from The Fighter.
In the middle of Ryan's answer, Biden puts his feet up on the table. On the bottom of his shoes: FUCK on one and THIS GUY on the other.
"I've been on Gov. Romney's website, and it's nothing but pictures of unicorns, which are basically horses with bayonets on their heads."
Lindsay Lohan testing positive for cocaine is like cocaine testing positive for cocaine.
Seems the Pulitzers overlooked my 7000-tweet series on the total mental collapse of the 30something white male with constant internet access
A replacement ref just wandered into my house and awarded possession of it to a guy outside walking by with his dog. This is bullshit.
The only sane choice to replace the pope is The Rock. He's proven again and again he can save any troubled franchise.
Axl Rose is going on in five to eight hours. Everybody hang around.
The Entourage movie is God's way of saying, "I heard your prayers, but Adrian Grenier's were just a little louder."
Due up for the Astros in the 9th: 1) Ball boy understudy 2) Clubbie named "Stumps" 3) Cardboard cutout of Craig Biggio's wife.
"Hey, everybody. You were right. I can tell you now that I threw that first debate because I was a little bored." - Obama
The most touching part of the Royal Wedding ceremony was when Chewbacca roared his approval at the end. He's so happy for Will and Kate!
Unexpected poops are the fiery Nascar crashes of the Westminster Dog Show.
Florida so close the election will be decided by a special runoff wrestling match between an alligator and a serial killer.
Mick Jagger is like that one super-energetic lady really destroying the jazzercise class at the senior center.
Whomever pressed the Wrap Up button on Daniel Day-Lewis is already dead.
I kind of hope the Veronica Mars crew just releases a video tomorrow of them doing $2 million of Kickstarter cocaine.
The most compelling case for Cabrera's MVP was how he selflessly made room for Prince Fielder to be the fattest player on the team.
Grantland writer/editor 'Reliably entertaining' - The New York Times