I just ate an authentic California roll. It was filled with crab, Medical Marijuana cards, Vegans, gangbangers and avocado.

You never see a church with free wifi. I guess because no church wants to compete with an invisible power that actually works.

The only time you should smoke an electronic cigarette is after you've had sex and faked the orgasm.

Heidi Klum and Seal broke up! This is the first bad thing thats ever happened to Heidi but Seal should be alright, he's been burned before.

I told a woman I wasn't religious and then she asked me if I worship the devil. Thats like saying 'you don't like baseball? Mets fan huh?'

With the subways down, some girl is doing the longest walk of shame ever today.

I put Hollywood, CA into my GPS and it said "you'll never make it."

Wine is like tapdancing, I can never tell if it's good or bad.

As racy as the TIME cover is, it was the best audition I've ever been to.

How bout we crack down on rapists not comedians?

Who's more aggressive? A drunk and horny frat guy or the Asian lady giving out samples at the food court?

Vegan is the new black. Because at this point, they can only eat at certain restaurants.

I'm wearing flip-flops today because the weather is nice and I don't want men to respect me.

The KKK now has a podcast. So now members can hate the sound of their own voice and minorities.

How come anytime someone's keeping it real, it's never nice? "Dude, I like your shirt. I'm just keeping it real."

I used to read joke books as a kid. Tonight I'll be on TV telling jokes I stole from those books. Check me out on @conanobrien! Hot show!

"I have a wet dream" - teenage Martin Luther King Jr.

I ate at a very authentic Chinese restaurant yesterday. Some guy tried to bring his two daughters in but the hostess only allowed one.

For once, whenever a kid gets addicted to drugs I'd like to hear the parents "he had no potential anyway."

Just because someone is offended doesn't mean they're right.