My dream is to someday make a movie that someone will watch half of while folding laundry

How unreasonable is it to expect just once I'll find my cat in a chefs hat when I open the apartment door?

All I want out of life is to be witty while putting my feet on desks

You supply the cats and the field, I'll supply the moderate amount of amusement you'll get from watching me chase cats through a field

You ever wear a shirt over your other shirt so you could boss people around because you have 2 shirts and they have at the most one?

Why can't more people do something about all this yogurt I'm eating

I'm 27. How many picnic baskets should I have owned by now

Someday I'm going to be on that red carpet, vacuuming

Named my fists. The right one is "the enforcer." The left, "shaboopy"

My doctor is starting to appreciate my "say whaaaaaaats" less and less

From now on I'm going to go up to people and say, "That's not just funny, thats funions funny" and walk away before I'm murdered

I think a small turtle just attacked me. But how will I ever know for sure?

Everyone! I'm one away from following 200 people! We can do this!

Listening to band on the run while having unexpected chest pain is the closest I'll ever come to a religious experience.

Ever look at a sunflower up close? Disgusting

If I had, on average, more pockets, Id be happier

Laundromats would be even better if they didnt exist

I bet the "great unknown" turns out to be a pretzel factory

Peacocks are nature's most beautiful creatures currently chasing me

A kid's looking at me. What do I do? I'm gonna scream