If Trent Dilfer knows so goddamn much about playing QB in the NFL, why did he suck so much at it?

@realskipbayless Oh, that's rich. The biggest defender of Jesus freak Tim Tebow now has a problem with overzealousness. Fucking hypocrite.

@realskipbayless You and your lame fucking excuses. Eat Brady's dick.

Just ate a banana so big I'm questioning my sexuality.

I know it's only twitter, but I still walk a little faster when black guys start following me.

I bet a common nudist nightmare is going to school with your clothes on.

@bubbawatson Thanks for sharing your sanctimoniousness and intolerance!

Whoever wrote "Let it snow" was a real asshole.

@realskipbayless Also scary: people actually caring about your opinions.

Here are some of the cool things I saw on my drive to Iowa:

We have two teams in the Super Bowl wearing yellow pants, and this country makes fun of soccer.

It's Election Day. Or, if you're Chinese, Erection Day.

I look forward to my next shit more than Christmas.

I know he has a cool dance and all, but let's not forget the time Ray Lewis probably murdered those two guys. That dance sure is fun though.

Texting is the best thing that ever happened to shitting.

Thanks to white trash, we now have 10 ways to spell Brittany.

I floss about as often as I don't masturbate.

Pretty sure I'll die of holding-in-farts-at-work disease.

Three trips to Starbucks vs. two Ambien. I'll let you know who wins.

Went for my first massage today. Requested a happy beginning because why wait?