Note to self: Stop abbreviating follow up as F/U.

In every two person conversation there are really three conversations. The main one and the one each person is having with his or her self.

Good morning(I hate my job)How may I help you(I hate you)Have you seen today's specials(Someone please kill me)

Did you know there are people who will allow me to store all of the stuff I don't use, for a fee, to make room for more stuff? #insanity

You know? People who are bi-polar are pretty fun half the time.

Money can't buy happiness, but it can buy vodka, comic books, midget strippers, a pony andOH GOD I'M SO HAPPY!

Wal-Mart's venture into orthodontics has failed. They found that their customer's see teeth as an optional fashion accessory.

Guy I hadn't seen for 10 years: Gee Mark you're heavier than I remember! Me: Thanks Frank! Your more of a prick than I remember!

I'm predicting rain because my arthritis is aching..........that and the roof is leaking.

It's funny how important peeing becomes as one ages. I don't remember thinking about it when I was younger. Now? I'm tweeting about it.

News: Trapped miner's wife gives birth to girl named Hope.

In other news: trapped miner's mistress gives birth to boy named Youbastard!

Tiger Woods is the only man who can run into a fire hydrant and set his life on fire. Anon

I just tried Red Bull for the 1st time. Tastes O.K. Feeling a little tinglyWowFeelprettyenergizedIcan'tbelievehowpeppyiamWowIneedtogodo.....

Note: If I call you when you are in a restroom, DON'T ANSWER! Nothing is important enough that I want to hear flushing in the background.

Pro Tip: telling the officer you have driven many times, much drunker w/o anything happening,,,,,,


not an effective tactic.

Thanks for the compliment but I'm not so much "pro gay marraige" as anti getting in the freaking way of people trying to find happiness.

I know why David Caruso of CSI Miami always frowns.
When he smiles he looks like Howdy Doody
.
.
Ask your parents.
.
.
or grandparents!

It looks like instead of facing a death panel this fall Grandma is going to be getting a Medicare rebate check.

Sigh, so many tweets so little twime.

Lindsay, relax. When the name "Lindsay" was spoken on the e-trade commercial nobody thought of you, except you and your attorney.