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  • markysumm
      Marky @markysumm

    I've decided to marry a pencil, can't wait to introduce the parents to my bride 2B.

    • 19
    • FAVS
    JasonBerlinDanHobson_PipRatPrincessGodBody__JerWaydvienalleStuBrightonallforandrea______
    • 16
    • RETWEETS
    DanHobson_HalfTicket_doin_thyme___k_elvinentanglingfavstar_popjta1949RoxiGee
  • markysumm
      Marky @markysumm

    If alcohol kills millions of brain cells, how come it never kills the ones that make me want to drink?

    • 17
    • FAVS
    JasonBerlin_jennjennpunkgirlnowyouremineEarth2EddieJustinBpackfan____Jjkinky49Jeffppennii
    • 12
    • RETWEETS
    booduhlypticSteinNastyJustinBpackfan____real_vitumbikowaboyi_JayJazzifavstar_popRolly1180
  • markysumm
      Marky @markysumm

    I did a push-up today. Well, technically I fell over, but I had to use my arms to get back up, so close enough. Now I need a beer.

    • 16
    • FAVS
    JasonBerlin_jennjennniraj_shelarcaselynchbeersudsLittleWhiteLionBaconzombie83Illiter8__________
    • 12
    • RETWEETS
    aubrey_9______SecretPinkLustfavstar_popBaconzombie83Jizzy_IveJeff87GNXNowYouSeeHercladinlycra
  • markysumm
      Marky @markysumm

    What's the difference between a Chickpea and a Lentil? I wouldn't pay £200 to have a lentil on my face.

    • 12
    • FAVS
    FeliciaFlambejerowneyAvatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48
    • 13
    • RETWEETS
    FeliciaFlambeAvatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48
  • markysumm
      Marky @markysumm

    Before Twitter I just carried a megaphone around to announce what I'm doing at random times. I got three followers but two of them were cops

    • 16
    • FAVS
    CindyBegelEMW__MIKErowaveOVENSashplsokclaire_mudiefriendfreezonecallmeellieeeeBoutCrazed
    • 8
    • RETWEETS
    EssentialTumourclaire_mudieMsKylezHotlinkStrahotabanksger1ghazillion________MelloPsychoTheLDeeWalker
  • markysumm
      Marky @markysumm

    If I ever become a serial killer I'll probably be known as The "I SAID NO PICKLES, BITCH" Drive-Thru Strangler.

    • 17
    • FAVS
    OrvllShrednbchrMr__Grapeluap2001nutmouseHotlinkStrahotaDorkstarsLab______owlbaconWussawilla________
    • 7
    • RETWEETS
    HotlinkStrahotaDorkstarsLab______aaronasellarsQueefBurritoMobtownerpompousdadLisabug74
  • markysumm
      Marky @markysumm

    Women call me ugly until they find out how much money I earn. Then they call me ugly and poor...

    • 11
    • FAVS
    DanHobson_MedhatisticsRealPrincessKimmetafrothmohamedkorayem_lady_HWetzelGeektigrontigron
    • 12
    • RETWEETS
    DanHobson_Dr_CdnGillthealpha0megasaffrontrailMedhatisticsmohamedkorayemmostafa_elhakimLeCathrynNasrr
  • markysumm
      Marky @markysumm

    Apparently Wi-Fi laptops can damage your sperm.

    In my experience, not as much as sperm can damage your Wi-Fi laptop.

    • 16
    • FAVS
    DanHobson_EmptyCeeGetCougarizedbeckyiniowaHaNdCuFt_AnGeL____cappadrinksbeerChuckHPeckhamVSonyablaze00______
    • 7
    • RETWEETS
    EmptyCeecappadrinksbeerdrkarancPinchSuckBlowgoldenshakehandChiefTwittlerNot_Me_London____
  • markysumm
      Marky @markysumm

    It makes me sad to think there are people in this world who have a favourite Kardashian.

    • 13
    • FAVS
    RWanderlust______luap2001ZedamarkdomesticHaaronasellarsjennalynn518__Jjkinky49JeffVerifiedBakchod
    • 8
    • RETWEETS
    nighttimestrollZedamarkaaronasellarsihuffpaintTurbo1724msrandomrantsAnitaAlibiLisabug74
  • markysumm
      Marky @markysumm

    I complained to Royal Mail on Twitter once and they tweeted me back. Well, they tweeted my neighbour and he brought the tweet round later.

    • 7
    • FAVS
    mattcw1971Avatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48
    • 11
    • RETWEETS
    theonlypepeWBokyllAvatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48
  • markysumm
      Marky @markysumm

    I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say "Hey look. That one is shaped like an idiot.

    • 9
    • FAVS
    sunnyjo81OnigiriDemonThisIsAllHardHollywoodCrabK8spadeunitcircle91______rachellinfox______histwaddle
    • 9
    • RETWEETS
    sunnyjo81OnigiriDemonMatt_CollisOHH_BEEThisIsAllHardBecky_Randallrachellinfox______histwaddle
  • markysumm
      Marky @markysumm

    I've just heard Spandau Ballet are to re-release an old single.

    I hope it's not True.

    • 10
    • FAVS
    stellah567FuckTypingsc_vaughnSmauglocked78lemmywinklerCoastiefishNomyzie__________LuvPug
    • 8
    • RETWEETS
    sc_vaughnJuztYvonneSmauglocked78BPFastballskateandceri______LuvPugbillthebutcher2gidget_76
  • markysumm
      Marky @markysumm

    Just phoned up and booked tickets for an Elvis tribute act. I had to press 1 for the money, 2 for the show...

    • 11
    • FAVS
    H_3000kelter1LindaInDisguisekennahzymystic_slippersmrtruthandsoulAvatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48
    • 6
    • RETWEETS
    mystic_slippersomgnutellakennahzymrtruthandsoulAvatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48
  • markysumm
      Marky @markysumm

    I'm always extra nice to the weird loner, so one day he'll spare my life when he finally snaps.

    • 12
    • FAVS
    gokichuMarcusMarcyouMsBrossGinRumMemickeza1__IAmAffiyajessiesaysrelaxNadineGeJonah
    • 4
    • RETWEETS
    gokichuCandyy_LipsGinRumMeNateKofiStruck
  • markysumm
      Marky @markysumm

    Been banned from PC world. You have to be so careful what you say in there nowadays...

    • 9
    • FAVS
    LonelyJackalopeBendyBaconKatWar1Avatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48
    • 6
    • RETWEETS
    BendyBaconJayTuvzAvatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48
  • markysumm
      Marky @markysumm

    Because I'm stressed I've started sniffing glue. It's the only thing holding me together

    • 10
    • FAVS
    DanHobson_punkgirlmontgomaryrockRealPrincessKimdoccy_style______StcyBnsnAndyPitzbizaromike________
    • 5
    • RETWEETS
    doccy_style______kidarainbowsbizaromike________aimeevc1970FuckQueue
  • markysumm
      Marky @markysumm

    Women say they love a man in uniform but when I go clubbing in my McDonalds uniform, no-one will talk to me...

    • 5
    • FAVS
    DanHobson_Empathynycdebz474Casserly_Rockym_allie
    • 10
    • RETWEETS
    thermaljamespresentingrich____TAStilesdebz474shipafloatSad_UJgocards1Casserly_Rock
  • markysumm
      Marky @markysumm

    Someone figured out my password. Now I have to rename my cat.

    • 9
    • FAVS
    BigBang6000Bliss_terAsYouNotWishaniko99mish_a03justmebreathing__otwojoshb____Cool_Jesse
    • 5
    • RETWEETS
    Bliss_terlmgeorge92aniko99Cool_Jessedeecoral
@markysumm

@markysumm

Insect puns really bug me...