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I've decided to marry a pencil, can't wait to introduce the parents to my bride 2B.
If alcohol kills millions of brain cells, how come it never kills the ones that make me want to drink?
I did a push-up today. Well, technically I fell over, but I had to use my arms to get back up, so close enough. Now I need a beer.
What's the difference between a Chickpea and a Lentil? I wouldn't pay £200 to have a lentil on my face.
Before Twitter I just carried a megaphone around to announce what I'm doing at random times. I got three followers but two of them were cops
If I ever become a serial killer I'll probably be known as The "I SAID NO PICKLES, BITCH" Drive-Thru Strangler.
Women call me ugly until they find out how much money I earn. Then they call me ugly and poor...
Apparently Wi-Fi laptops can damage your sperm.
In my experience, not as much as sperm can damage your Wi-Fi laptop.
It makes me sad to think there are people in this world who have a favourite Kardashian.
I complained to Royal Mail on Twitter once and they tweeted me back. Well, they tweeted my neighbour and he brought the tweet round later.
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say "Hey look. That one is shaped like an idiot.
I've just heard Spandau Ballet are to re-release an old single.
I hope it's not True.
I'm always extra nice to the weird loner, so one day he'll spare my life when he finally snaps.
Because I'm stressed I've started sniffing glue. It's the only thing holding me together
Women say they love a man in uniform but when I go clubbing in my McDonalds uniform, no-one will talk to me...
Someone figured out my password. Now I have to rename my cat.
Is Kate Middleton's baby technically an ingrowing heir?
I thought when people lie their pants were supposed to catch on fire. Turns out that's a lie too. Trust no one.
I Googled "Gary Oldman" and got some pretty disturbing images. Then I realised I'd left the "r" out.