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I've decided to marry a pencil, can't wait to introduce the parents to my bride 2B.
If alcohol kills millions of brain cells, how come it never kills the ones that make me want to drink?
I did a push-up today. Well, technically I fell over, but I had to use my arms to get back up, so close enough. Now I need a beer.
What's the difference between a Chickpea and a Lentil? I wouldn't pay £200 to have a lentil on my face.
Before Twitter I just carried a megaphone around to announce what I'm doing at random times. I got three followers but two of them were cops
If I ever become a serial killer I'll probably be known as The "I SAID NO PICKLES, BITCH" Drive-Thru Strangler.
Women call me ugly until they find out how much money I earn. Then they call me ugly and poor...
Apparently Wi-Fi laptops can damage your sperm.
In my experience, not as much as sperm can damage your Wi-Fi laptop.
Photoshop is turning 25 years old this week. Actually, it's 35 but just looks 25.
Without a doubt, my favourite Robin Williams movie is Mrs Fire.
It makes me sad to think there are people in this world who have a favourite Kardashian.
My girlfriend keeps leaving magazines lying around open at jewellery ads. I got the hint. For her birthday she's getting a magazine rack.
I complained to Royal Mail on Twitter once and they tweeted me back. Well, they tweeted my neighbour and he brought the tweet round later.
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say "Hey look. That one is shaped like an idiot.
I've just heard Spandau Ballet are to re-release an old single.
I hope it's not True.
Just phoned up and booked tickets for an Elvis tribute act. I had to press 1 for the money, 2 for the show...
Insect puns bug me.
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