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I've decided to marry a pencil, can't wait to introduce the parents to my bride 2B.
If alcohol kills millions of brain cells, how come it never kills the ones that make me want to drink?
I did a push-up today. Well, technically I fell over, but I had to use my arms to get back up, so close enough. Now I need a beer.
What's the difference between a Chickpea and a Lentil? I wouldn't pay £200 to have a lentil on my face.
Before Twitter I just carried a megaphone around to announce what I'm doing at random times. I got three followers but two of them were cops
If I ever become a serial killer I'll probably be known as The "I SAID NO PICKLES, BITCH" Drive-Thru Strangler.
Women call me ugly until they find out how much money I earn. Then they call me ugly and poor...
Apparently Wi-Fi laptops can damage your sperm.
In my experience, not as much as sperm can damage your Wi-Fi laptop.
Without a doubt, my favourite Robin Williams movie is Mrs Fire.
It makes me sad to think there are people in this world who have a favourite Kardashian.
I complained to Royal Mail on Twitter once and they tweeted me back. Well, they tweeted my neighbour and he brought the tweet round later.
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say "Hey look. That one is shaped like an idiot.
I've just heard Spandau Ballet are to re-release an old single.
I hope it's not True.
Just phoned up and booked tickets for an Elvis tribute act. I had to press 1 for the money, 2 for the show...
I'm always extra nice to the weird loner, so one day he'll spare my life when he finally snaps.
Been banned from PC world. You have to be so careful what you say in there nowadays...
Because I'm stressed I've started sniffing glue. It's the only thing holding me together
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