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My mom hates Drunk In Love bc she doesn't know who's taking care of Blue if they're both drunk
Every time I buy a sweater the temperature goes up 40 degrees
My 90 year old professor made us go around the room and say whether or not we'd date someone with erectile dysfunction
''You were such a good baby. I would leave you alone for hours on end and you'd be fine'' -my mom to Sam
The bus from Speed is a more reliable method of transportation than any of my family's cars
''Can you send me back the nude I sent you 4 years ago I need it for thinspiration''
''Do you wanna have this conversation later when you're not so dramatic?''
How does Brynn go to school basically nude everyday and I got sent home for wearing capris once
''The only time my husband should ever cry is if I pinch his balls so hard that he stops breathing''
Who would you rather do - Shrek or Lord Farquaad
There's no worse betrayal than finding out your friends got Panera without you
I'm treated as a circus freak because I have one short thumb
I'll never forget the dogs I met today
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