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My mom hates Drunk In Love bc she doesn't know who's taking care of Blue if they're both drunk
I keep getting into fights with old women at the store
Everyone I know has run into Hulk Hogan at the airport
The best thing about me is that I'm a good speller
Nothing gives me more anxiety than when Ronnie starts throwing Sam's shit all over the room
Every time I buy a sweater the temperature goes up 40 degrees
My 90 year old professor made us go around the room and say whether or not we'd date someone with erectile dysfunction
''You were such a good baby. I would leave you alone for hours on end and you'd be fine'' -my mom to Sam
The bus from Speed is a more reliable method of transportation than any of my family's cars
I was just swept away by how good my handwriting is
''Ugh imagine having a one night stand with Sam Smith he'd prob come inside meet your parents and tell them like old English tales'' -Iris
''Can you send me back the nude I sent you 4 years ago I need it for thinspiration''
''Do you wanna have this conversation later when you're not so dramatic?''
After work today I'll be checking myself into a mental institution
I almost just tweeted something that was meant to be a text and it would have ruined my entire life
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