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Why do zombies all have such shitty clothes?! It's like you JUST died, how did you mess up your shirt that bad
No, my kid didn't do the drawings I have up around my desk. I did them. It's my desk.
Guess what? I made my own nachos. Did it work out? No. Things don't always work out. Am I ok? Also, no
Sorry when u called I was busy holding my phone in my hand and staring at it without blinking
If u can't take the heat, I'll go ahead and turn it down a little bit. Is that better? Love you so much
Pretend like you're twenty years older and got the option to go back in time and re-live the previous twenty years: go
The good thing about Twitter is that if you have a good personality, there is someone with a better personality who is also funnier than you
Comment on every picture of someone's dog, "What is this"
I'm not "rich." Actually, it depends on how you define wealth. If you're talking about money, relationships, or happiness, then no still
Fun: text friend Are you alone right now? They go Yes. Then u text back LOL
Girl are you my Programs Running because you are Not Responding
Seabiscuit? More like Landhorse
Sometimes I wonder if I'm pregnant and then I realize I would have to be like 19 months pregnant
Here's my impression of the person who invented those cardboard sleeve things for drinks: "Ow ow it's too hot"
I like when dogs choose to do that really dramatic sigh. It's like, you're fine.
Should I bring anything to your party besides pronounced social anxiety and no food
If you put dry teabags in shoes they absorb the odor. So your shoes smell good but the tea tastes so bad it's almost not worth it
I always wear a hair-tie around my wrist just in case I need to have a dark pink line there later
I'm at work for another hour and my phone's at 14%. If I don't make it to the end of the day, tell all my friends, "Not much u"
What's your favorite planet *cuts you off* mine's Jupiter
[Likes]: salt, secrets [Dislikes]: headlights, decisions
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