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Why do zombies all have such shitty clothes?! It's like you JUST died, how did you mess up your shirt that bad
Sorry when u called I was busy holding my phone in my hand and staring at it without blinking
Fun: text friend Are you alone right now? They go Yes. Then u text back LOL
Comment on every picture of someone's dog, "What is this"
The good thing about Twitter is that if you have a good personality, there is someone with a better personality who is also funnier than you
Guess what? I made my own nachos. Did it work out? No. Things don't always work out. Am I ok? Also, no
Girl are you my Programs Running because you are Not Responding
Seabiscuit? More like Landhorse
If you put dry teabags in shoes they absorb the odor. So your shoes smell good but the tea tastes so bad it's almost not worth it
Pretend like you're twenty years older and got the option to go back in time and re-live the previous twenty years: go
Sometimes I wonder if I'm pregnant and then I realize I would have to be like 19 months pregnant
Should I bring anything to your party besides pronounced social anxiety and no food
I'm not "rich." Actually, it depends on how you define wealth. If you're talking about money, relationships, or happiness, then no still
What's your favorite planet *cuts you off* mine's Jupiter
I just called someone and they ANSWERED...? Desperate much
If u can't take the heat, I'll go ahead and turn it down a little bit. Is that better? Love you so much
"How crazy is your ex? Crazy like my triceps?" "How sick is your mother? Sick like my triceps?"
This outfit is called Running Into Someone I Know Would Be The Ultimate Worst Thing That Could Happen
Here's my impression of the person who invented those cardboard sleeve things for drinks: "Ow ow it's too hot"
Sure hope my neighbors like the three songs I listen to