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No, my kid didn't do the drawings I have up around my desk. I did them. It's my desk.
Sorry when u called I was busy holding my phone in my hand and staring at it without blinking
Guess what? I made my own nachos. Did it work out? No. Things don't always work out. Am I ok? Also, no
I just had an abortion during one of Ted Cruz's dramatic pauses
Fun: text friend Are you alone right now? They go Yes. Then u text back LOL
Pretend like you're twenty years older and got the option to go back in time and re-live the previous twenty years: go
Sometimes I wonder if I'm pregnant and then I realize I would have to be like 19 months pregnant
If u can't take the heat, I'll go ahead and turn it down a little bit. Is that better? Love you so much
The good thing about Twitter is that if you have a good personality, there is someone with a better personality who is also funnier than you
Comment on every picture of someone's dog, "What is this"
I like when dogs choose to do that really dramatic sigh. It's like, you're fine.
This Uber driver is making me nauseous. Because he got me pregnant one month ago
I'm not "rich." Actually, it depends on how you define wealth. If you're talking about money, relationships, or happiness, then no still
Here's my impression of the person who invented those cardboard sleeve things for drinks: "Ow ow it's too hot"
Girl are you my Programs Running because you are Not Responding
Seabiscuit? More like Landhorse
Should I bring anything to your party besides pronounced social anxiety and no food
Hey, I see you created a joint facebook account with your spouse. Everything ok?
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