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Why do zombies all have such shitty clothes?! It's like you JUST died, how did you mess up your shirt that bad
No, my kid didn't do the drawings I have up around my desk. I did them. It's my desk.
Guess what? I made my own nachos. Did it work out? No. Things don't always work out. Am I ok? Also, no
Sorry when u called I was busy holding my phone in my hand and staring at it without blinking
If u can't take the heat, I'll go ahead and turn it down a little bit. Is that better? Love you so much
Pretend like you're twenty years older and got the option to go back in time and re-live the previous twenty years: go
Comment on every picture of someone's dog, "What is this"
Fun: text friend Are you alone right now? They go Yes. Then u text back LOL
I'm not "rich." Actually, it depends on how you define wealth. If you're talking about money, relationships, or happiness, then no still
The good thing about Twitter is that if you have a good personality, there is someone with a better personality who is also funnier than you
Girl are you my Programs Running because you are Not Responding
Sometimes I wonder if I'm pregnant and then I realize I would have to be like 19 months pregnant
Seabiscuit? More like Landhorse
Should I bring anything to your party besides pronounced social anxiety and no food
If you put dry teabags in shoes they absorb the odor. So your shoes smell good but the tea tastes so bad it's almost not worth it
Here's my impression of the person who invented those cardboard sleeve things for drinks: "Ow ow it's too hot"
I always wear a hair-tie around my wrist just in case I need to have a dark pink line there later
I'm at work for another hour and my phone's at 14%. If I don't make it to the end of the day, tell all my friends, "Not much u"
What's your favorite planet *cuts you off* mine's Jupiter
What u guys doin' 😎 *puts on sunglasses* *they fall off* *I trip and step on them* *I cry for a very long time, but not just about this*
[Likes]: salt, secrets [Dislikes]: headlights, decisions
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