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Taco trucks are weird. They're like "hey, what's up man, come eat some greasy Mexican food from the back of my van" and we're just like "OK"
yes mother it's a prestigious online community with scores of gifted and revolutionary writers you wouldn't understand
Hey there Delilah what's it like in New York City are there buildings do they have cars sorry I'm so dumb is that why you left me I miss you
Knock knock. Whos there? Orange. Orange who? Orange u glad I didnt say a sex offender ha now that the mood's lighter I'm Jon, a sex offender
"This is your brain." *shows a brain* "This is your brain on drugs." *shows a way more popular brain*
I'm gonna be honest, I don't even know where girls pee from
One night stand? I have FOUR night stands. All hand crafted out of oak! Wait. WHAT IS THIS SEX YOU SPEAK OF? Oh that does sound better.
Have you found Jesus? No? Me neither. I think we lost him near the border. God, I hope he's ok. He had like all the cocaine with him.
Hey I don't mean to be weird but here's a corn husk doll I made for you. It's not of you, just of some stranger I saw. Anyways, I love you.
"Yeah we should hang out soon." - me setting someone up for disappointment
Are female salamanders called salawomanders and am I really legally allowed to vote?
*intercom comes on* "Would the owner of a white Jetta with headlight eyelashes please report to the front desk so u can be shot in the face"
Like a good neighbor, State Farm and I have no relationship.
Jerry: "How about we call it Jerry & Ben?"
Ben: "No, I have a better idea."
Washed my hair in the sink today and now I think homeless people are just being dramatic about things.
Ugh hate when it's raining out and you had planned your whole day to be full of arson :(
I INVITED A GIRL OVER TO WATCH A MOVIE AND WHEN I TRIED TO KISS HER SHE WAS LIKE "NO LETS WATCH THE MOVIE" HAHA IM SO GOOD AT PICKING MOVIES
I'm so glad ur on a date with me. You're so pretty. What kind of movies do u like? Wait, that's boring. I'm nervous. Have u ever done coke?
How'd I meet my wife? I commented "Stunning" on all of her Instagram pictures
yeah that's cool kay jewelers but what does every sex begin with
We met at Starbucks. Not at the same Starbucks but we saw each other at different Starbucks across the street from each other.