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Hey there Delilah what's it like in New York City are there buildings do they have cars sorry I'm so dumb is that why you left me I miss you
yes mother it's a prestigious online community with scores of gifted and revolutionary writers you wouldn't understand
I INVITED A GIRL OVER TO WATCH A MOVIE AND WHEN I TRIED TO KISS HER SHE WAS LIKE "NO LETS WATCH THE MOVIE" HAHA IM SO GOOD AT PICKING MOVIES
Knock knock. Whos there? Orange. Orange who? Orange u glad I didnt say a sex offender ha now that the mood's lighter I'm Jon, a sex offender
"This is your brain." *shows a brain* "This is your brain on drugs." *shows a way more popular brain*
I'm gonna be honest, I don't even know where girls pee from
One night stand? I have FOUR night stands. All hand crafted out of oak! Wait. WHAT IS THIS SEX YOU SPEAK OF? Oh that does sound better.
Have you found Jesus? No? Me neither. I think we lost him near the border. God, I hope he's ok. He had like all the cocaine with him.
Hey I don't mean to be weird but here's a corn husk doll I made for you. It's not of you, just of some stranger I saw. Anyways, I love you.
Getting ice cold butter with bread at restaurants is the ultimate "this shit is free so go fuck yourself"
"Yeah we should hang out soon." - me setting someone up for disappointment
Are female salamanders called salawomanders and am I really legally allowed to vote?
yeah that's cool kay jewelers but what does every sex begin with
*intercom comes on* "Would the owner of a white Jetta with headlight eyelashes please report to the front desk so u can be shot in the face"
Like a good neighbor, State Farm and I have no relationship.
Jerry: "How about we call it Jerry & Ben?"
Ben: "No, I have a better idea."
Washed my hair in the sink today and now I think homeless people are just being dramatic about things.
How'd I meet my wife? I commented "Stunning" on all of her Instagram pictures
Ugh hate when it's raining out and you had planned your whole day to be full of arson :(
MacGruber is underrated.
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