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  • mattelgato
      Matt @mattelgato

    Gift @mattelgato Favstar Pro to unlock their best tweet!Gift them Pro!

    • 1,439
    • LIKES
    _iamnotdiddyCpin42iwearaonesiemichaaaaelaEmmaDaggett123slaterbass_mcscarry_ChelseyBruns
    • 724
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  • mattelgato
      Matt @mattelgato

    yes mother it's a prestigious online community with scores of gifted and revolutionary writers you wouldn't understand

    • 986
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  • mattelgato
      Matt @mattelgato

    Hey there Delilah what's it like in New York City are there buildings do they have cars sorry I'm so dumb is that why you left me I miss you

    • 817
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    police_bootsCpin42iwearaonesieWhoopdeedoo22PaperWashshegotagronkcassandralatelyAmericannHonney__
    • 567
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  • mattelgato
      Matt @mattelgato

    I INVITED A GIRL OVER TO WATCH A MOVIE AND WHEN I TRIED TO KISS HER SHE WAS LIKE "NO LETS WATCH THE MOVIE" HAHA IM SO GOOD AT PICKING MOVIES

    • 960
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    MhmedabdalmagidCpin42BreyonceeeGabbiAlnernatalievanbovenAce0fBakesJohn26649305DCLOVESJL
    • 329
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    rutesperanza
  • mattelgato
      Matt @mattelgato

    Knock knock. Whos there? Orange. Orange who? Orange u glad I didnt say a sex offender ha now that the mood's lighter I'm Jon, a sex offender

    • 806
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    • 378
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    101RaceythenamesmikeGCurranOnTheCob__JasonLastnameJakeInRealLifeTimmmSmith________pjlynch
  • mattelgato
      Matt @mattelgato

    "This is your brain." *shows a brain* "This is your brain on drugs." *shows a way more popular brain*

    • 800
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    Cpin42iwearaonesiekennedylryanTonyTudemdob11PaperWashfiremanphilflizelarsen
    • 324
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  • mattelgato
      Matt @mattelgato

    I'm gonna be honest, I don't even know where girls pee from

    • 655
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    • 262
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  • mattelgato
      Matt @mattelgato

    One night stand? I have FOUR night stands. All hand crafted out of oak! Wait. WHAT IS THIS SEX YOU SPEAK OF? Oh that does sound better.

    • 627
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    Cpin42iwearaonesieCordillydallycrocsluvr69__JSLauderdalecalluptomeBryceKillingtonwindbutt
    • 283
    • RETWEETS
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    thejessbessJaySusHChristjake_likes_napsUglyPrick________BrandonDePaolo
  • mattelgato
      Matt @mattelgato

    Have you found Jesus? No? Me neither. I think we lost him near the border. God, I hope he's ok. He had like all the cocaine with him.

    • 520
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    cali_cathyDanKCharnleyleeanncelapinoMeryska_Khalizzie_ahmadhisanSteveKoehler22JMertz
    • 263
    • RETWEETS
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    Arroia101Racey
  • mattelgato
      Matt @mattelgato

    Hey I don't mean to be weird but here's a corn husk doll I made for you. It's not of you, just of some stranger I saw. Anyways, I love you.

    • 539
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    • 182
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    BigMedwardsduplicitron
  • mattelgato
      Matt @mattelgato

    Getting ice cold butter with bread at restaurants is the ultimate "this shit is free so go fuck yourself"

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    • 201
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  • mattelgato
      Matt @mattelgato

    "Yeah we should hang out soon." - me setting someone up for disappointment

    • 447
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    • 207
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    leslid79__________
  • mattelgato
      Matt @mattelgato

    Are female salamanders called salawomanders and am I really legally allowed to vote?

    • 451
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    lazy_joe_
  • mattelgato
      Matt @mattelgato

    yeah that's cool kay jewelers but what does every sex begin with

    • 486
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  • mattelgato
      Matt @mattelgato

    *intercom comes on* "Would the owner of a white Jetta with headlight eyelashes please report to the front desk so u can be shot in the face"

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  • mattelgato
      Matt @mattelgato

    Like a good neighbor, State Farm and I have no relationship.

    • 459
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  • mattelgato
      Matt @mattelgato

    Jerry: "How about we call it Jerry & Ben?"
    Ben: "No, I have a better idea."

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    Jeff_Kura
  • mattelgato
      Matt @mattelgato

    Washed my hair in the sink today and now I think homeless people are just being dramatic about things.

    • 417
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  • mattelgato
      Matt @mattelgato

    How'd I meet my wife? I commented "Stunning" on all of her Instagram pictures

    • 400
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    • 127
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  • mattelgato
      Matt @mattelgato

    Ugh hate when it's raining out and you had planned your whole day to be full of arson :(

    • 389
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    Whoopdeedoo22twntysvnkennedylryanwhiskey_teacupChris_Walker30__jarred_gunnYaokingofrocktor_92_v
    • 124
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