I've started collecting two of every animal, just in case. #frankenstorm

"My friend" is code for "this asshole over here."

"What's the deal with all these deals?" -Jerry Seinfeld learns about Groupon

Feed a cold.
Starve a flu.
Threaten a headache with a lead pipe.
Lock a rash in a cage under the stairs.
Challenge pink eye to a duel.

Destiny's Child just broke up again. Sorry, everyone.

"Isn't she Lovely?" -Stevie Wonder attempting to identify strippers by touch

Paul Ryan's hairline looks like the bat signal.

Don't call it a comeback. Use 'retort' instead.

With some of his answers, I'm starting to get the feeling that Gov. Romney might in fact be voting for Pres. Obama.

I'm just saying no one actually counted the dalmatians. 101 is a rough guess, at best.

Writing "Maybe it's Maybelline?" on every test question would be a really fun way to get kicked out of beauty school.

Kevin James looks exactly like the people that I imagine go to Kevin James movies.

Forget your 401k, I keep all my money in CDs. 1990's R&B CDs. I have 400,000 copies of En Vogue's debut album in a safe deposit box.

Once the Pope retweets you, you can no longer be killed with conventional weapons.

 http://designjargonbullshit.com/ 

CLOPS: A show about police horses.

I don't eat nearly as many sundaes in tiny little baseball helmets as I did when I was a kid.

Before the TLC song the average American spent 87 hours a year chasing waterfalls.

Dear iPhone, I never mean "ducking."

I always have hot water and clean towels with me in case of spontaneous child births or meals involving bbq ribs.