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Our prices are so low you'd think we were renting your loved one's corpses out for things the courts can't prove! #funeralhomeslogans
When Machiavelli went through a really pretentious phase he changed the title of his book to, "The Treatise Formerly Known as The Prince."
Pulled pork is great, but pushed pork allows you to accumulate meat out of thin air. The last one to really work at it was Nikola Tesla.
Keep in mind that less reputable peanut butter brands are made from the lips and assholes of the peanut.
Two wrestlers enter and stand silently for four & a half minutes. Wrestling historians would later call it profound - the John Cage-Match
Ever notice the subtle apartheid that separates Sesame Street muppets from the others? Because they come from the inner city? #muppetbattle
Michael Bay's "Giant Robots With No Reason to Disguise Themselves" #UnnecessaryPrequels
Anatomically correct burrito bones, burrito muscles & burrito organs. #DisturbingBurritoFillings
The only reason why math teachers don't want us dividing by zero is because it opens a portal to where they lay their delicious eggs.
Have you seen this child?(picture of herself at age 10) #depressingtrampstamps
WE are not to blame. TORONTO is not to blame. The SOB who pulled the trigger is. #eatoncenter
If pressed, Inspector Gadget's enemy Dr. Claw would admit that his PHD was in contemporary women's literature.
Informants like Huggy Bear are necessary for the survival of any fascist state. -Chomsky & Hutch
In a parallel universe, Hegel wrote about dianetics instead of dialectics. An embarrassing Karl Marx jumping on Oprah's couch soon followed.
I make music for the Second City. & game, film & TV music. 3/9ths of comedy duo Reid Along with Browning. I invented floors.
