Boy Scout orgy but without counselors.

The IRS is auditing my daughter's Tea-Ball team. :(

FINALLY WATCHED "A WOMAN UNDER THE INFLUENCE!!"

Texas @rangers just doing what they can to help Multiple Miggs get another crown.

"Your mother has herpes on her lip, not herbies."

"I love my momss!" - black guy with two moms

Poo crusts & pee drops on the toilet lid because I'm three.

Had to fake happiness at the wife for making me two Subway sandwiches for work tonight, so as not to make her cry or ruin her life.

Small things come in big packages. (my underwear)

There's a strange, gross satisfaction when wiping the itch off your butthole.

Swim goggles filled with tears so your eyes are the only wet part of your body.

Unfollow me if you must, but Home Alone is fake as shit.

Paint cans & a crowbar to the head won't knock them out, but an old man's soft touch with a snow shovel does it? Bullshit. #homealone

@pauly_miller Boooo if this is what you're really like.

I mean, if they let go of that rope, they'd fall an entire 10 feet! I can see why they were so terrified. #homealone

With the front door & the blowtorch, this house will burn down. Why not just let it, I mean how bad do they want a VCR? #homealone

Why wouldn't they just wait till the kid went to the park or some shit, then go inside & lock the door. I bet he doesn't have a key.

Can't think of a better way to end the weekend than watching God Damn Home Alone with my kid.

That's the last time I let my 5 year-old color me brown then take her to the park on Cinco De Mayo. :(

@toneloaf How are kids supposed to drown in water that shallow?