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I've been collecting Snapple caps just in case something happened to Wikipedia so I'm doing fine today.
I think it’s rude that the Rice Krispies box says “Recipe on the bottom,” but doesn’t remind you to close the top.
Short-list of the things Law&Order ruined for me: jogging in Central Park, taking a long walk by the East River and autoerotic asphyxiation.
If we shake out all of the crumbs from all of the keyboards in the world, we can end world hunger.
"No. Really. A card and some flowers would've been just fine." - Oedipus's Mother
My cat just dropped a vote for Mitt Romney in the litterbox.
People wearing socks with Crocs ARE doing it right. The human body requires a thin layer between feet and shame.
Look mom, no hands. No hands! Mom. Look. LOOK! That guy has NO HANDS!
Oh God. Yes. This is so good. I love it so much I'm having a sarcasm.
George Bush will get the Superdome's power back on in roughly two weeks.
Marriage is just a contractually binding agreement where by two people are forced to like each other's Facebook statuses.
“YES WE CAN! YES WE CAN! YES WE CAN!” – Factory workers at a cannery.
Getting 'shitfaced' is not a euphemism for getting drunk. Not at my parties.
Hope for the chicken breast. Prepare for the liverwurst.
Shampoo for my real friends and real poo for my sham friends.
Girls who are still fans of Chris Brown are like watermelons that are really into Gallagher.
OK, yeah, resurrection is one theory. But have you seen Weekend at Bernie’s?
Bill Cosby, you had me at Jello.
I always cry when I see a dog with three legs because I only have two legs.
“This isn’t gay, right?”
“No! We do 90mph down hard ice!”
“That is manly!”
“Okay, lay on top of me like a pancake.”
-Two Men, One Luge.
Writer. Comedian. You may also know me from David Bowie's tights in Labyrinth. See also also http://www.youtube.com/user/MatthewDolkart/videos