My dating strategy: follow girl on twitter, favorite her tweets for a year, die

When I was 5 my dad left to go "get cigarettes" but then came back 20 minutes later with donuts and we were all like fuck yeah dad

Hey, how about when all the old people die we just start calling ourselves the greatest generation?

I saw a woman crying on a park bench so I sat down and hugged her and whispered "please stop stealing my spotlight"

The most terrifying moments of my life are watching to see whether or not my friend is going to like the youtube video I just talked up

Sitting alone in a romantic restaurant, sobbing, sending back every bottle of wine, describing each one as being too "grapey"

I start off all interviews by saying "I love you." That way they know I'm serious about the job.

Sometimes I like to go down to the pond dressed as a giant duck and throw entire loaves of bread at people.

I like to play this game where I try to listen to a podcast and read at the same time. it's called "retain nothing"

For an international spy, James Bond is pretty terrible at not revealing his identity to every single person he meets.

Someone stole my carton of milk so I've been gluing pics of it to the back of kids

Looked up the definition for "dictionary" in the dictionary and it just said "stop doing stuff like this"

A woman had her car hood up on the side of the road so I pulled over and said "if you don't have AAA your gonna die out here" and sped off

Participating in a Cold War reenactment this weekend where a bunch of us sit in a room for a while and just act real tense

Tortilla soup: for when your idea of cooking is dumping hot water onto tacos

Grandparents: Getting away with racism due to their impending death since I was 5.

To make Target sound fancier, I like to pronounce it, "Croissant"

There's a fine line between wanting to take a super long nap that lasts forever and being suicidal.

Are you allowed to call in depressed for work

Just imagine how cute Ryan Gosling must have been when he was a newborn kitty.