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Pumped for the series finale of the U.S. government!
Does anyone have a hot glue gun I can borrow? Or a regular glue gun with an awesome personality?
FACT: Over 100 million cats each year go completely un-Instagrammed.
JK Rowling's real name is "But Seriously Folks" Rowling.
I don't know who this Rorschach guy is, but he sure likes drawing pictures of my parents not being proud of me!
At Guy Fieri's restaurant, waiters aren't allowed to accept tips that aren't frosted.
"Pics or it didn't happen" is my answer to the Bible.
I really showed that Rubik's Cube who's unemployed.
The 80's called. They have our son.
“I’m not gay or anything.”-homophobic antimatter
I just want to be famous enough to crowd-surf to the post office.
So apparently there is no TLC song called "Don't Go, Jason Waterfalls."
NEW YORKERS: where is your #1 favorite place to eat dinner alone and think about karen
Have a great day, Mom! And thanks for letting it slide each time I'd come home after midnight covered in blood. ;)
My favorite sex position is the Sturdy Sanchez. It's where you base a long-lasting marriage on love & respect, then you shit on their chest.
Regardless of who wins on Election Day, Mitt Romney better lose.
Anyone wanna get drunk and unfollow our dads?
Before Facebook, you had to "like" things with your feelings.
"Out of my way, Old Timer!!!"-me, after buying a new timer
I know this girl who's a total butterpoliticalviews.
Comedian. Daily Show Writer. Eater of Smoked Fish.