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If all I listened to were comedians, I'd think the world was filled with atheists. Which is why I listen to comedians.
Every newborn baby you know is an atheist...until they are taught whatever one true religion they will later be a member of.
Gay NBA player? Yawn. How come there were no headlines when the first gay grocery store employee came out? (Or hasn't that happened yet?)
BREAKING NEWS! In a developing story, the NRA announces plan to stop abortion by arming the unborn.
How come people always blame the evil politicians and not the spectacularly stupid voters?
You're awesome! No not YOU! You're a douche. Outta the way compliment bomber. I meant YOU. YOU are awesome!
Apple will break up with the mac pro the same way I do with women. It'll just stop calling and pretend they never existed.
I'm so impressed your choice of website and software makes your photos look so "creative" and "retro" just like everybody else's.
Want to bring back civility? Abolish user comments. Everywhere. On everything. Period.
It will be awesome when collective bargaining rights are voted away for the police who are pepper-spraying people fighting for those rights.
@micheleakalips Don't worry, a picture of my dick would just be my ex-wife's headshot.
Hey @twitter, know what's cool? Seeing the same DM I already read, marked as unread, on my laptop, desktop, ipad, iphone,...
I don't have writer's block Apparently I have a case of I just really don't give a fuck.
Since it says "In God we trust" on our money, can we please start taxing churches?
I just realized my life is exactly like a romantic comedy without any laughter or romance.
Emmy award losing filmmaker who likes comedy, worked on Star Trek and Minority Report and other Sci-Fi stuff, and I barely speak French. I’m rated R.
