The hardest part of sex is the penis.

What is the right age to tell a child you wish they were adopted?

Anytime I mention my "writing partner," I'm talking about Vicodin.

You can have my gun when you pry it out of my toaster.

This girl keeps sending me mixed messages through her lawyer.

"Who Wants to Be a Millionaire" would be more entertaining if the contestants all started out as billionaires.

If you ever see me looking at my phone, I'm probably using my "avoid eye contact" app.

A 95-year-old woman and a 98-year-old man recently became the oldest couple ever to get married. Not to sound cynical, but I give it a year.

My work here is dumb.

The Renaissance was great but it was no Naissance.

The Third World #firstworldproblems

All I remember from history class is the Boston Chainsaw Massacre.

I need a feature on my phone that doesn't just tell me who's calling, but what they want. Like instead of Caller ID, Caller id.

7-11 now sells "Romney" and "Obama" coffee cups, just in case you wanted to make sure your coffee will be knocked out of your hand.

Who's German? Show of Hans.

I am outraged at the accusations that I hired a ghostwriter for my memoir. I am the one and only author of "OOOOooooOOOOoooo GET OUT!"

My friend told me he and his wife are trying to have a baby. I think her chances are better.

I mistrust the term "doggy style" because it means that at some point, someone saw two dogs having sex and thought, "stylish."

If I could only have one superpower, it would be China.

I'm glad Playboy calls their models "playmates," because I like to imagine building Legos with them.