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Emma Stone looks like she is 20 percent of the way through a transformation from person to snake.
If the United States ever collapses, the upside is that we can finally use the blue starry part of American flags to make wizard hats.
One of the best feelings in life is when you realize a play is almost over.
The first part of the brain to die of old age is the part that knows what jeans look good.
Hurry, if you are about to be killed by savages, tell them you have the power to mostly block out the sun.
I don’t treat one daughter worse because I love her less, I treat the other daughter better because I’m scared of her more.
True Blood Season 10: “You’re a leprechaun? But my dad was a Chucky and my mom was a Shrek! What'll we tell the council of Franken-Hobbits?”
A good name for a porn star's butler would be Cumley.
When they put salt on caramel I said nothing. When they put chile in chocolate I said nothing. So when they put curry in ice cream I said OK
"This pilot season, what we're really looking for are shows that can be enjoyed in the background while people are playing Candy Crush."
If I were The New York Times Magazine’s “The Ethicist,” my answer to every question would be, “Did anyone see you do it?”
“Remember ladies, no matter how cute he is, if his penis is ice cold – he an incubus!” from “He’s Just Not That Into You & He’s an Incubus”
Mad Men is a great show but you don't want to go outside and pretend swordfight for an hour like you do after watching Game of Thrones.
The most successful and least successful people I know share the same trait: never, ever thinking they’re wrong.
Matt Selman is an Executive Producer of The Simpsons.