Girlfriends are like Bon Iver: 90% of the time you don't know what they're saying

Twitter has successfully ruined my attention span forever

I've never had a pet name before, most girls call me either "Matt" or "stop"

If you're not hip, you're a waist.

This has officially been my best tweet ever

when you die you become closer to god because you no longer exist

I wouldn't say that I have a type, but I tend to prefer girls who have sex with me

I hate when adults mention that they are old, like wtf am I supposed to reply? "Yeah, we all die, earth is a carnival of decomposition"

Twitter is 7 years old now which makes sense as to why the pope has suddenly taken an interest in it

BEYONCE LIP SYNCED THE AMERICAN ANTHEM I TOLD YOU 9/11 WAS AN INSIDE JOB #KONY2013

FACT: people who have "fantasy football teams" also have "fantasy wives" and "fantasy intelligence" and "fantasy success"

I love you more than you do yourself

If your only hobby is sports fandom, give me your phone number so that in 10 years I'll know an electrician to call

I could never be on a bomb squad. Every time I'd come across a ticking time bomb, I'd just end up dating it trololol

Oh, you're a homophobe? Quick, hop into this TIME MACHINE BACK TO 1867

Sometimes I wish I could Retweet myself. I'm hilarious. I'd call them Metweets.

Hipster molecules contain ironic bonds

The leafs have lost. Humanity is doomed. Earth is a wasteland. God is dead. AIDS. #sports

Why whine about studying when you can wine WHILE studying? pic.twitter.com/vtG6wUQUQq

Omg mom no pic.twitter.com/KJhkXMYtZr

is it bad when you wanna kill people you've never even met