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Girlfriends are like Bon Iver: 90% of the time you don't know what they're saying
Twitter has successfully ruined my attention span forever
I've never had a pet name before, most girls call me either "Matt" or "stop"
If you're not hip, you're a waist.
This has officially been my best tweet ever
when you die you become closer to god because you no longer exist
I wouldn't say that I have a type, but I tend to prefer girls who have sex with me
I hate when adults mention that they are old, like wtf am I supposed to reply? "Yeah, we all die, earth is a carnival of decomposition"
Twitter is 7 years old now which makes sense as to why the pope has suddenly taken an interest in it
everyone from my hometown is a DJ or a model and nobody has invited me to any fucking yacht parties
FACT: people who have "fantasy football teams" also have "fantasy wives" and "fantasy intelligence" and "fantasy success"
I love you more than you do yourself
If your only hobby is sports fandom, give me your phone number so that in 10 years I'll know an electrician to call
I could never be on a bomb squad. Every time I'd come across a ticking time bomb, I'd just end up dating it trololol
Is that a crack pipe in your pocket or are you just happy to be mayor?
who cares about descent or race, Nina Davuluri is a beautiful woman
Oh, you're a homophobe? Quick, hop into this TIME MACHINE BACK TO 1867