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  • matttuff
      matt tuff @matttuff

    My mother called to tell me she knew a girl that would date me, then we laughed SO uncontrollably hard that I had to remove my C-3PO mask.

    • 1,361
    • FAVS
    highxpectation2PascalSlothsHeltonKGoinsjakecolganDestron_GeeThanksMom__jillllbobagginstheshelbfish
    • 413
    • RETWEETS
    HeltonKGoinsohayitskimtubbywubberGeeThanksMom__SkylerClayneAurelienBurlet_winjaYaokingofrock
    CelebrityChezKim_pulsivekatdenkelleyeah8________noogXTopherGuarinoCarolEdieIslander_DI______malefactorialFrecklessLittleHarmonicaezeddalyrachiecandicehunnisbones132_bpmMsCarlissimaHairyJew4LifeCoy0teUgly________OverlandParker
  • matttuff
      matt tuff @matttuff

    Grandma's been planking on the basement floor since last night.

    • 474
    • FAVS
    HeltonKGoinsAlliMadrigal__winjaYaokingofrockCpin425_oclock_shadow__igobytonyRag3Ryan__________
    • 597
    • RETWEETS
    uanvinylsYaokingofrockMrSavage9DarkVenatorRag3Ryan__________Alyssa_Jolie__Emily5656sokyshipn
    yzupp
  • matttuff
      matt tuff @matttuff

    My printer just woke from sleep mode with a huge toner.

    • 786
    • FAVS
    HeltonKGoinsbrentceteraDFCTortoraaShiverOfSharks__EmergencyQBSuMacDanChloestyloSapphireBel
    • 185
    • RETWEETS
    elvokeMossMan_85filthydirtymindwiredwansubhoogangulySexAndTheRTslyoung5MichaelEdits
    MountainDouche____GuiltlessNickhmmdoiknowyouCoatCzechmugkipHairyJew4Lifeyzupp
  • matttuff
      matt tuff @matttuff

    Other than Superman and the homeless has anyone used a phone booth in the last 10 years?

    • 554
    • FAVS
    HeltonKGoinskacierettewniiicolethomaYaokingofrockCpin42ICountBeanssKaylaKFoster5_oclock_shadow__
    • 48
    • RETWEETS
    YaokingofrockKaylaKFosterSpringaling85obi_ian_kenobiralphlehmann1hoops_DaddyRoxanneWildeLickMeister
    meat_tornado_SendTulips________
  • matttuff
      matt tuff @matttuff

    Rest areas are weird. The guy in the stall next to me has four feet.

    • 422
    • FAVS
    HeltonKGoinskhansen85apodixisKileyPetroTiiarraGbbzmbozalinaJoshInATornadosvvallow
    • 143
    • RETWEETS
    lovephoebecatesKouklamichellesvvallowChristianFitz20Zbo4USawblade21BadaBammBenEds_Park_Mayor
    sweet_toofCaseyMcCollumMolly_Kats
  • matttuff
      matt tuff @matttuff

    My repressed memory foam pillow keeps me up at night with it's crying

    • 487
    • FAVS
    HeltonKGoins_lyssaraquelYaokingofrockICountBeanssKaylaKFoster5_oclock_shadow__spotswojtnylgn
    • 61
    • RETWEETS
    triptothepeakLe_RaaayRaaayKaybeebbYaokingofrockMichabeanAmeiamMonkey732flacelle
    letsgetgizzychopper4jk
  • matttuff
      matt tuff @matttuff

    In bed wondering:
    1) Could the Millenium Falcon survive a photon missle
    2) How does Chewbacca clean his ass
    3) What does a kiss feel like

    • 442
    • FAVS
    HeltonKGoinsitsAaliyahJadeZachAlosaurusAlliMadrigal_YaokingofrockCpin42twitsandgiggledKaylaKFoster
    • 73
    • RETWEETS
    sithlowlifemeeeeeeeepotalibosioYaokingofrocksokyshipnLancashiremanrachiecandiceSharpeBytes
    adamalldaydirtymemphis
  • matttuff
      matt tuff @matttuff

    At the gym this guy across from me is waving, flexing, winking and making kissy faces at me. I'm going to go...uh...nevermind it's a mirror

    • 473
    • FAVS
    HeltonKGoinsCpin42KaylaKFostersokyshipnGreeblehausspotswojtnylgnmiorouge__________
    • 41
    • RETWEETS
    KaylaKFosterMonkey732iluv2bugzJenniferLSmithC__The_SculptressCuddleboobies____Reality_Bytes1McJizzernutz
    ToneLoafStephenBCramer
  • matttuff
      matt tuff @matttuff

    I just spent the last 45 minutes watching grandma try to open a door I drew on the wall.

    • 409
    • FAVS
    HeltonKGoinsshelbyfloraOhhDonnnnaEmilyDowninggggraciemarshall0_desstinny_AlliMadrigal_giuliano_maria_
    • 70
    • RETWEETS
    Chad_VictoryholyoctopusstabithavarnamLe_RaaayRaaay_winjauanvinylsYaokingofrockKaylaKFoster
    iTweetMedicated__FingDuck
  • matttuff
      matt tuff @matttuff

    If you have a mullet, walk with a limp, hold your pants up with a rope and live under a bridge then you're my dad and I miss you, come home.

    • 417
    • FAVS
    HeltonKGoinsraeannensworthGlamourous__JessieCogganAWGainesAlliMadrigal_TasteLikeExoticYaokingofrock
    • 50
    • RETWEETS
    Glamourous__meeeeeeeepoLe_RaaayRaaayuanvinylsYaokingofrockpimpenindalakeKaylaKFostersokyshipn
    TequilaTears
  • matttuff
      matt tuff @matttuff

    Bologna tastes GREAT, when you're 5 and your mother left you home alone for 2 weeks while she went on a cruise with her alcoholic boyfriend

    • 422
    • FAVS
    HeltonKGoinssierramarkkMalloryAdams_Glamourous__hannah_peckkAWGainesWhos_LondynYaokingofrock
    • 41
    • RETWEETS
    sierramarkksydneyperezdoemeeeeeeeepoYaokingofrockKaylaKFostersokyshipnCanAzn73___________LUMP
    shasuga___________CodyDavisletsdancebitchs
  • matttuff
      matt tuff @matttuff

    Grandma's been out back for the last couple days digging a hole and I feel like shit telling her what it's for.

    • 377
    • FAVS
    HeltonKGoinsbonahguylandsnivelledbrittttanycAlliMadrigal_YaokingofrockCpin42twitsandgiggled
    • 71
    • RETWEETS
    holyoctopuss_winjaYaokingofrocksokyshipnARobustLoofahhijackedjackCpez38mustkickox
    lazerdoovKyle_LippertToneLoafWittBanterUNTRESORCroweJam
  • matttuff
      matt tuff @matttuff

    Late at night I go around and fill all the potholes with confetti, just so the morning commuters have something to smile at.

    • 381
    • FAVS
    HeltonKGoinsallie_mustache_winjaYaokingofrockCpin42sokyshipnGreeblehaustnylgn
    • 47
    • RETWEETS
    Le_RaaayRaaayOfMiceNMonstersYaokingofrockthewhitetyree_bubbIeteaNeutrontrilogyoomsmandyooschuzam
    Neutrontrilogyschuzamkgander
  • matttuff
      matt tuff @matttuff

    When I yawn I worry that deaf people think I'm laughing at them.

    • 315
    • FAVS
    HeltonKGoinsYaokingofrock5_oclock_shadow__sokyshipnGreeblehaustnylgnrobyn_voAmeiam
    • 83
    • RETWEETS
    mustkickoxnazmraziareshecarolinemcwIdStandOnThatRawanSolimanAlyaNassarrenl13
    girl_eats_worldTweeetmebad
  • matttuff
      matt tuff @matttuff

    Virgins, Best to Worst:
    1)Islands
    2)Records
    3)Olive Oil
    4)The 40 Year Old
    5)'Like a...'
    6)Suicides
    7)Mobile
    8)Me

    • 344
    • FAVS
    HeltonKGoinsliza_christiesnivelledDepressionRUsBrookeTolubsAlliMadrigal_Yaokingofrock5_oclock_shadow__
    • 51
    • RETWEETS
    KasieBabyyyYaokingofrockobi_ian_kenobiPuffPuffCandiXtheUVCurlsGoddessOne_Classy_BumGavinProbably
    HairyJew4LifeClosestThingwheatnik
  • matttuff
      matt tuff @matttuff

    There's nothing better than sitting in my Star Wars bean bag eating cinnamon toast while watching morning cartoons, oh, and dying alone.

    • 343
    • FAVS
    HeltonKGoinssnivelled_lyssaraquelAWGainesYaokingofrocksokyshipnGreeblehaustnylgn
    • 34
    • RETWEETS
    snivelledlindsey_carricoLe_RaaayRaaayuanvinylsYaokingofrocksokyshipnSharpeBytesMonkey732
    kisslikeaknife____Missing_A
  • matttuff
      matt tuff @matttuff

    I got 99 goblins but an orc ate one.

    • 308
    • FAVS
    HeltonKGoinsGreeblehaustnylgnMichabeanrobyn_voEew_itsJessTw0PennethUptonnoblestu
    • 68
    • RETWEETS
    Tioughnioga______Tw0Pennethhoops_DaddyAnais_Lea90______anniewan_KateInBris________SovietRussiaPanConMayonesa
    Cpez38BillSleazyprimawesome
  • matttuff
      matt tuff @matttuff

    Tomorrow is another day; well maybe not for my grandma.

    • 348
    • FAVS
    HeltonKGoinstwitsandgiggled5_oclock_shadow__sokyshipntnylgnMilkshakeAnyone__robyn_voobi_ian_kenobi
    • 28
    • RETWEETS
    sokyshipnARobustLoofahReeseButCallMeVFierceMessJenniferLSmithC__practicetheoryThe_SculptressJelenaTrojanska
    vagstarSendTulips________
  • matttuff
      matt tuff @matttuff

    I wonder if a light bulb went off in Thomas Edison's head when he thought of the invention for the light bulb.

    • 320
    • FAVS
    HeltonKGoinssnivelledGlamourous__MaddieEvanzYaokingofrockMilkshakeAnyone__tnylgnrobyn_vo
    • 46
    • RETWEETS
    LindsayGoodrdgemeeeeeeeepoLe_RaaayRaaayYaokingofrockAmeiamre156am__________ShaetanDarkoExcuseMyTweets
    gotmyhairdidIdStandOnThat
  • matttuff
      matt tuff @matttuff

    If I had two children named Twitter & Favstar, I'd find it hard NOT to pay more attention to Favstar, I'd also question if Twitter was mine.

    • 329
    • FAVS
    HeltonKGoinssokyshipntnylgnMilkshakeAnyone__robyn_voobi_ian_kenobiAndie_LVTheFearBoners____
    • 35
    • RETWEETS
    Andie_LVExcuseMyTweetsC_Rockkktrialfemmemytweecwetlife_____VaginasaurusHerPinkRibbonskennyhcomedy
    PeaceAddictionIslander_DI______NoSpankYou
@matttuff

@matttuff

This is all make believe like Bernoulli and his stupid principle.