My mother called to tell me she knew a girl that would date me, then we laughed SO uncontrollably hard that I had to remove my C-3PO mask.

Grandma's been planking on the basement floor since last night.

My printer just woke from sleep mode with a huge toner.

Other than Superman and the homeless has anyone used a phone booth in the last 10 years?

My repressed memory foam pillow keeps me up at night with it's crying

At the gym this guy across from me is waving, flexing, winking and making kissy faces at me. I'm going to go...uh...nevermind it's a mirror

Rest areas are weird. The guy in the stall next to me has four feet.

In bed wondering:
1) Could the Millenium Falcon survive a photon missle
2) How does Chewbacca clean his ass
3) What does a kiss feel like

I just spent the last 45 minutes watching grandma try to open a door I drew on the wall.

Bologna tastes GREAT, when you're 5 and your mother left you home alone for 2 weeks while she went on a cruise with her alcoholic boyfriend

If you have a mullet, walk with a limp, hold your pants up with a rope and live under a bridge then you're my dad and I miss you, come home.

Grandma's been out back for the last couple days digging a hole and I feel like shit telling her what it's for.

Late at night I go around and fill all the potholes with confetti, just so the morning commuters have something to smile at.

When I yawn I worry that deaf people think I'm laughing at them.

Virgins, Best to Worst:
1)Islands
2)Records
3)Olive Oil
4)The 40 Year Old
5)'Like a...'
6)Suicides
7)Mobile
8)Me

I got 99 goblins but an orc ate one.

Tomorrow is another day; well maybe not for my grandma.

There's nothing better than sitting in my Star Wars bean bag eating cinnamon toast while watching morning cartoons, oh, and dying alone.

If I had two children named Twitter & Favstar, I'd find it hard NOT to pay more attention to Favstar, I'd also question if Twitter was mine.

I wonder if a light bulb went off in Thomas Edison's head when he thought of the invention for the light bulb.