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Remember when eating a peanut butter and jelly sandwich for dinner meant your parents were lazy and not that you were going to die alone.
Making a Murderer is the world's worst vacation brochure for the state of Wisconsin.
The only time I show emotion is when I have brain freezes, which is why you'll always catch me eating ice cream at funerals.
Hair loss is a lot more fun when you pretend your head is a giant dandelion.
My dad and I like to play a game on St. Patrick's Day where I repeatedly call him and he never picks up. He's really good at it.
Steal your neighbor's snowblower and decorate it as a baby stroller then smile and wave as you push your fake baby up and down the driveway.
With all this heavy snow it's a real shame that there aren't any children in the neighborhood to help my grandma shovel out my driveway.
After retiring as a clown my father picked up taxidermy and now sells stuffed balloon animals in the park.
Chores around the house are more fun when you do them backwards. I just threw my clothes on the floor and stacked my dishes in the sink.
Grandma confused the voting booth as a changing room and now I'm worried they won't accept her ballot.
Ozzy Osbourne's Re-recorded Hits:
"Diary of an Old Man"
"Flying High Again(on heart medication)"
"Over the Hill"
"Low Iron Man"
This is all make believe like Bernoulli and his stupid principle.
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