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I'm not opposed to bringing decapitation by guillotine back for people that cut their nails in public.
Do you remember the good old days when anteaters would just eat ants without questioning whether the ants were in your pants or not?
Going to the bathroom on a bus during rush hour traffic just feels weird especially since this bus doesn't have a bathroom.
For breakfast I want to belly flop into a pool of pancakes and eat my way out.
I'm getting on an airplane and all I can think about is how confused my boat shoes must be.
I'm depressed thinking about how many father-daughter dances Darth Vader and Princess Leia missed out on and what it's like to have friends.
I can't hear the fireworks over grandma's snoring.
I'm trying to decorate my house and I'm unsure about which window treatments go best with beanbags.
Either a golden retriever just invited me on a journey across the country in a hot air balloon or I've had way too much to drink.
Grandma just invited all her geriatric friends over to swim in the swimming pool we don't have.
I've never eaten gluten-free cookies but I imagine they taste a lot like One Direction sounds.
Have your clowns spayed or neutered.
I worry that some of my worries go unworried.
🎶Shout! Shout! Pour a bit out, these are the stains we can live without.🎶
There are two types of people in this world, those who don't eat straight out of the salad bar at Whole Foods and assholes.
Banana peel pants so that when you go to bed you can just peel them off.
If the season finale of Game of Thrones wasn't on tonight then I'd probably call my dad and wish him a happy Father's Day.
If there's ever a zombie apocalypse I'm going to the beach. I have a hard enough time walking through the sand with non-zombie legs.
This is all make believe like Bernoulli and his stupid principle.