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  • matttuff
      matt tuff @matttuff

    My tramp stamp doesn't seem to be working correctly.

    • 12
    • FAVS
    justsomedishthe_anastasiaToofpick78HeyitsLori4shizupthespoutIm_TriciaBDGarpshanethevein
  • matttuff
      matt tuff @matttuff

    Most of my nightmares begin with me eating a tuna sandwich from a gas station.

    • 15
    • FAVS
    justsomedishthe_anastasiaToofpick78HeyitsLoriBDGarpTownOfComa4shizupthespoutWittyClitty
  • matttuff
     
    matt tuff @matttuff

    @greeblehaus you're very kind to include me. Thank you.

    • 1
    • FAV
    Greeblehaus
  • matttuff
      matt tuff @matttuff

    I wonder how long it will take grandma to realize she's in a shed out back and not in the new nursing home I promised her.

    • 19
    • FAVS
    MurseBrianRNthe_anastasialllvvvzzzNinja_Soup_MajorzdeadTheBlessMessKali_MuraJennifergr8
    • 2
    • RETWEETS
    lllvvvzzzslyoung5
  • matttuff
      matt tuff @matttuff

    I feel like a trained karate expert breaking a stack of blocks when I blow my nose.

    • 9
    • FAVS
    the_anastasiacloudypianosslyoung5truffleparamourGreeblehauspaul_shinndietredbull4shizupthespout
  • matttuff
      matt tuff @matttuff

    The worst part about having an argument with one of my marionettes is having to get up and move him out of the room as he storms off.

    • 17
    • FAVS
    BDearfiendthe_anastasiaJerryThomasgoldengateblondslyoung5GreeblehaussucittaMdishinyourbelly
    • 1
    • RETWEET
    Jackandpele
  • matttuff
      matt tuff @matttuff

    Frodo was really just a glorified ring bearer for Mount Doom.

    • 5
    • FAVS
    GreeblehausStephenBCramerslyoung5HeyitsLoriIdStandOnThat__
    • 1
    • RETWEET
    KelleyCan
  • matttuff
      matt tuff @matttuff

    Tacos do so much damage to grandma's insides that she needs to sleep in the bathtub whenever she eats them.

    • 11
    • FAVS
    StephenBCramerslyoung5StumpWoodleyIdStandOnThat__robyn_vobrentbizzshanetheveinMentalErrorist
  • matttuff
      matt tuff @matttuff

    Living on earth is a lot more exciting when you picture it as one giant beanbag.

    • 24
    • FAVS
    GreeblehausshakeygeckoThatsMyBushStumpWoodleyJonJon_BrownDepecheALAmode_jennjennNowAPisces
    • 3
    • RETWEETS
    Liam_Igslyoung5CodyFreakinKing
  • matttuff
      matt tuff @matttuff

    Nothing ruins a day like having to put on pants.

    • 19
    • FAVS
    ThatsMyBushStumpWoodleyDepecheALAmodemortbarrycomedyKali_Murathe_anastasiajwil10laurajanenorton
    • 5
    • RETWEETS
    showcaseJaseslyoung5VulcanNinjaAvatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48
  • matttuff
      matt tuff @matttuff

    I'm not opposed to bringing decapitation by guillotine back for people that cut their nails in public.

    • 27
    • FAVS
    GreeblehausMonicaBielankoaccuweathernubiqerafeseSCbchbumThatsMyBushStumpWoodleyDepecheALAmode
    • 6
    • RETWEETS
    hiqudufezuradriennesuessslyoung5JTGEMINI69Avatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48
  • matttuff
      matt tuff @matttuff

    Do you remember the good old days when anteaters would just eat ants without questioning whether the ants were in your pants or not?

    • 23
    • FAVS
    StumpWoodleyStephenBCramerswollenvoiceDickensnycthe_anastasiaGetbentLAHeyitsLoriIdStandOnThat__
    • 1
    • RETWEET
    slyoung5
  • matttuff
      matt tuff @matttuff

    Going to the bathroom on a bus during rush hour traffic just feels weird especially since this bus doesn't have a bathroom.

    • 11
    • FAVS
    FriskyandFeistyslyoung5the_anastasiasarahellewStephenBCramerlllvvvzzz_jennjennFruit_Slinger
    • 1
    • RETWEET
    lllvvvzzz
  • matttuff
      matt tuff @matttuff

    For breakfast I want to belly flop into a pool of pancakes and eat my way out.

    • 24
    • FAVS
    GreeblehausSCbchbumKittenMrowlThatsMyBushStumpWoodleydavidisnotrightKali_MuraNinja_Soup_
    • 6
    • RETWEETS
    billowwillow12BareChestyslyoung5Avatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48
  • matttuff
      matt tuff @matttuff

    I'm getting on an airplane and all I can think about is how confused my boat shoes must be.

    • 44
    • FAVS
    SCbchbumThatsMyBushStumpWoodleyamymay26LuvPugwaynetugwellthe_anastasiaIrvLeavitt
    • 10
    • RETWEETS
    butterflysiminThatsMyBushBareChestyslyoung5Jordan_AlainafxlyAvatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48
  • matttuff
      matt tuff @matttuff

    I'm depressed thinking about how many father-daughter dances Darth Vader and Princess Leia missed out on and what it's like to have friends.

    • 24
    • FAVS
    StephenBCramerKatieGlaister30marcmackbrentceteraKim_pulsiveschuzamDepecheALAmodethe_anastasia
    • 8
    • RETWEETS
    off_beat_deadDrunkBastardhoopahoepSkeltonsHeadkesg2slyoung5JaysandjaysAvatar_unknown_48
  • matttuff
      matt tuff @matttuff

    I can't hear the fireworks over grandma's snoring.

    • 16
    • FAVS
    brentceteraschuzamthe_anastasiaoneICURNStephenBCramerslyoung5JennibeebopHeyitsLori
  • matttuff
      matt tuff @matttuff

    I'm trying to decorate my house and I'm unsure about which window treatments go best with beanbags.

    • 20
    • FAVS
    brentceteraKim_pulsiveschuzamthe_anastasianorm_townoneICURNCpin42slyoung5
    • 1
    • RETWEET
    JoshuaMclane
  • matttuff
      matt tuff @matttuff

    Either a golden retriever just invited me on a journey across the country in a hot air balloon or I've had way too much to drink.

    • 36
    • FAVS
    brentceteraschuzamcloudypianosthe_anastasiaoneICURNcfishingCpin42_Ms_Moneypenny_
    • 7
    • RETWEETS
    nocturnallymethe5amsaintslyoung5azul74blunakedlaughing__Cool_Jesse_KennyD_
  • matttuff
      matt tuff @matttuff

    When I see a beautiful woman walk by with ice cream.  https://vine.co/v/MWQYEzjuOmq 

    • 4
    • FAVS
    the_anastasiaslyoung5StephenBCrameritsa_talia
@matttuff

@matttuff

This is all make believe like Bernoulli and his stupid principle.