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My grandma must really love the fall because she's been in the front yard lying face first in a pile of leaves for 5 days straight.
I'm saving money this fall by getting grandma the flu shot and having her sneeze in my mouth.
Bringing grandma to the park has been depressing since she no longer catches frisbees in her mouth like she used to.
The best thing about this fancy well designed iPhone 6 Plus is that nobody will notice the hernia belt I'm wearing.
Nobody questions me about my grandma lying around in public as long as I place a yoga mat under her.
Woke up in a tub of kidney beans.
Tape dispensers but for pancakes.
My grandma's just like Hansel and Gretel except instead of bread crumbs she leaves a trail of dead skin to find her way home.
It's cute how all my stuffed animals act like they don't know what I'm saying.
My dad called to tell me he was disappointed in me and we laughed and laughed until his phone privilege was over at the state penitentiary.
I never understood why my mom complained about putting her blood sweat and tears into doing laundry when she could've just bought detergent.
Ryan Gosling and Eva Mendes are expecting a baby boy this month. Good luck to the other boys born this month, I hope you like living alone.
It's funny how some people (assholes) think that the Fire Lane in front of Whole Foods stands for Valet Service.
This is all make believe like Bernoulli and his stupid principle.