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The only time I show emotion is when I have brain freezes, which is why you'll always catch me eating ice cream at funerals.
Hair loss is a lot more fun when you pretend your head is a giant dandelion.
My dad and I like to play a game on St. Patrick's Day where I repeatedly call him and he never picks up. He's really good at it.
Steal your neighbor's snowblower and decorate it as a baby stroller then smile and wave as you push your fake baby up and down the driveway.
With all this heavy snow it's a real shame that there aren't any children in the neighborhood to help my grandma shovel out my driveway.
After retiring as a clown my father picked up taxidermy and now sells stuffed balloon animals in the park.
Chores around the house are more fun when you do them backwards. I just threw my clothes on the floor and stacked my dishes in the sink.
Grandma confused the voting booth as a changing room and now I'm worried they won't accept her ballot.
Ozzy Osbourne's Re-recorded Hits:
"Diary of an Old Man"
"Flying High Again(on heart medication)"
"Over the Hill"
"Low Iron Man"
My grandma must really love the fall because she's been in the front yard lying face first in a pile of leaves for 5 days straight.
I'm saving money this fall by getting grandma the flu shot and having her sneeze in my mouth.
This is all make believe like Bernoulli and his stupid principle.
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