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Dyslexic pyromaniacs enjoy fries.
Spoiler Alert! - My pants no longer fit.
Give your legs a high five by wearing sweatpants tonight.
It's too bad the jerk that flipped me off this morning will never read my nasty comeback I just wrote in my diary. He's lucky.
It's all fun and games until one of your stuffed animals loses an eye.
I've made some serious life decisions quicker than the time it takes me to choose a salsa for my burritos.
Freezing rain is just like rain except for OMG IT HURTS!
Looking at this old photo and wondering if I'm more embarrassed about my jean jacket or that I'm not wearing any pants at my family reunion.
It's so cold I just spent the last 45 minutes trying to cut my toenails with my socks still on.
It's needless to say that Goldilocks's career in pornography didn't last long.
I bet if I were left handed I'd still have no funny ending to this tweet.
Life would be so much less awkward for me and for my mom when doing my laundry if companies would focus more on making brown underpants.
As a child Pinhead would earn money at summer camp by letting the other children use his face to make bracelets.
Remember when the price of gas was so low we didn't need to drive off without paying for it or what it was like not being in jail?
I love you but I don't heated seats in the winter love you.
I just saw a commercial for the new PS4 and suddenly that's replaced 'losing my virginity' as the number one spot on my Christmas list.
Judging by the shocked look on my new dentist's face that testicular cancer check my old dentist would perform every six months was illegal.
We don't know if she's actually his girlfriend. George Zimmerman may have just assumed she was by the way she was dressed.
I have fond childhood memories of my mother bringing us to the freeway and letting us pick out our very own hubcap ornaments for the tree.
Giving up is way too ea
This is all make believe like Bernoulli and his stupid principle.