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  • matttuff
      matt tuff @matttuff

    Bringing grandma to the park has been depressing since she no longer catches frisbees in her mouth like she used to.

    • 14
    • FAVS
    StephenBCramerthe_anastasiaKali_MuraNickCasaliniScottLinnenslyoung5HeyitsLorijustsomedish
    • 2
    • RETWEETS
    BoombaLottieslyoung5
  • matttuff
      matt tuff @matttuff

    The best thing about this fancy well designed iPhone 6 Plus is that nobody will notice the hernia belt I'm wearing.

    • 9
    • FAVS
    StephenBCramerSuMacDanslyoung5katdenkFreeDriftwoodgneiccopaul_shinnAvatar_unknown_48
    • 1
    • RETWEET
    Avatar_unknown_48
  • matttuff
      matt tuff @matttuff

    Nobody questions me about my grandma lying around in public as long as I place a yoga mat under her.

    • 34
    • FAVS
    StephenBCramerpunmagnatelacybronze1theragingsemiAphroditeAfter5DigitalRobynFreeDriftwoodsharkies3
    • 11
    • RETWEETS
    Ratchet7DonfrostlehoffAphroditeAfter5sharkies3KizzyZillslyoung5HeltonKGoinscorrynnaa
  • matttuff
      matt tuff @matttuff

    Woke up in a tub of kidney beans.

    • 8
    • FAVS
    StephenBCramerslyoung5the_anastasiaHeltonKGoinspaul_shinnCtotheASSshakeygeckoMissHurricanez
    • 1
    • RETWEET
    snarkula
  • matttuff
      matt tuff @matttuff

    Tape dispensers but for pancakes.

    • 11
    • FAVS
    StephenBCramerslyoung5katdenkHeltonKGoinsthe_anastasiashakeygeckoMissHurricanezNowAPisces
    • 1
    • RETWEET
    Avatar_unknown_48
  • matttuff
      matt tuff @matttuff

    My grandma's just like Hansel and Gretel except instead of bread crumbs she leaves a trail of dead skin to find her way home.

    • 15
    • FAVS
    StephenBCramerKizzyZillslyoung5katdenkshakeygeckoMissHurricanezthe_anastasiajscottwilson
  • matttuff
      matt tuff @matttuff

    It's cute how all my stuffed animals act like they don't know what I'm saying.

    • 25
    • FAVS
    StephenBCramerAphroditeAfter5KizzyZillCoryGrowslyoung5shakeygeckoMissHurricanezUnattainablyME
    • 9
    • RETWEETS
    CoryGrowslyoung5shakeygeckoJazzyJJHeltonKGoinsTheGrimKinghoopahoepBedheadBunny
  • matttuff
      matt tuff @matttuff

    My dad called to tell me he was disappointed in me and we laughed and laughed until his phone privilege was over at the state penitentiary.

    • 39
    • FAVS
    StephenBCramerlacybronze1ladyfiletAphroditeAfter5DigitalRobynandreah_rtaliayalaKizzyZill
    • 11
    • RETWEETS
    AphroditeAfter5slyoung5MissHurricanezHeltonKGoinsWes_Alexander_RaddestRebelNowAPiscesAvatar_unknown_48
  • matttuff
      matt tuff @matttuff

    I never understood why my mom complained about putting her blood sweat and tears into doing laundry when she could've just bought detergent.

    • 30
    • FAVS
    StephenBCramerkatdenkshakeygeckoMissHurricanezvuashleykieuHeltonKGoinsTheGrimKingNinja_Soup_
    • 6
    • RETWEETS
    TheGrimKingmaskedvoyeurslyoung5lllvvvzzzladyjazsjunkAvatar_unknown_48
  • matttuff
      matt tuff @matttuff

    Ryan Gosling and Eva Mendes are expecting a baby boy this month. Good luck to the other boys born this month, I hope you like living alone.

    • 21
    • FAVS
    StephenBCramerkatdenkMissHurricanezNinja_Soup_CryinGoslingPinkLazyDaisycelestinelea90MmeLaCrooz
    • 1
    • RETWEET
    celestinelea90
  • matttuff
      matt tuff @matttuff

    It's funny how some people (assholes) think that the Fire Lane in front of Whole Foods stands for Valet Service.

    • 17
    • FAVS
    StephenBCramerkatdenkshakeygeckoMissHurricanezslyoung5Havnfun28__FreeDriftwooddberring
  • matttuff
      matt tuff @matttuff

    I just dropped a cookie on the floor and decided to skim through my HR packet to see how many bereavement days I'm entitled to.

    • 26
    • FAVS
    StephenBCramerkatdenkMissHurricanezTheGrimKingJaden76Supa_GroversgtblueeyesOHguy7
    • 6
    • RETWEETS
    TheGrimKingOHguy7slyoung5ladyjazsjunkjustsomedishCool_Jesse
  • matttuff
      matt tuff @matttuff

    My tramp stamp doesn't seem to be working correctly.

    • 23
    • FAVS
    katdenkMissHurricanezMmeLaCroozladyjazsjunkTashaAnn11sokyshipnStephenBCramermikeym00n
    • 3
    • RETWEETS
    ladyjazsjunksokyshipnNoSpankYou
  • matttuff
      matt tuff @matttuff

    Most of my nightmares begin with me eating a tuna sandwich from a gas station.

    • 25
    • FAVS
    KizzyZillkatdenkUnattainablyMEladyjazsjunkStephenBCramermikeym00ndonniNoSpankYou
    • 2
    • RETWEETS
    KizzyZillladyjazsjunk
  • matttuff
     
    matt tuff @matttuff

    @greeblehaus you're very kind to include me. Thank you.

    • 1
    • FAV
    Greeblehaus
  • matttuff
      matt tuff @matttuff

    I wonder how long it will take grandma to realize she's in a shed out back and not in the new nursing home I promised her.

    • 26
    • FAVS
    KizzyZillshakeygeckoMissHurricanezFingDuckladyjazsjunkStephenBCramerMurseBrianRNthe_anastasia
    • 3
    • RETWEETS
    ladyjazsjunklllvvvzzzslyoung5
  • matttuff
      matt tuff @matttuff

    I feel like a trained karate expert breaking a stack of blocks when I blow my nose.

    • 12
    • FAVS
    katdenkMmeLaCroozStephenBCramerthe_anastasiacloudypianosslyoung5truffleparamourGreeblehaus
  • matttuff
      matt tuff @matttuff

    The worst part about having an argument with one of my marionettes is having to get up and move him out of the room as he storms off.

    • 25
    • FAVS
    katdenkshakeygeckoMissHurricanezStephenBCramerdonnimirthemyameludooce
    • 2
    • RETWEETS
    myameluJackandpele
  • matttuff
      matt tuff @matttuff

    Frodo was really just a glorified ring bearer for Mount Doom.

    • 8
    • FAVS
    MissHurricanezGreeblehausStephenBCramerslyoung5HeyitsLoriIdStandOnThatAvatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48
    • 1
    • RETWEET
    KelleyCan
@matttuff

@matttuff

This is all make believe like Bernoulli and his stupid principle.