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  • matttuff
      matt tuff @matttuff

    I never understood why my mom complained about putting her blood sweat and tears into doing laundry when she could've just bought detergent.

    • 22
    • FAVS
    Ninja_Soup_celestinelea90Kali_MuracactibeachMeggieStrangeStexcyslyoung5Havnfun28
    • 4
    • RETWEETS
    maskedvoyeurslyoung5lllvvvzzzladyjazsjunk
  • matttuff
      matt tuff @matttuff

    Ryan Gosling and Eva Mendes are expecting a baby boy this month. Good luck to the other boys born this month, I hope you like living alone.

    • 17
    • FAVS
    CryinGoslingPinkLazyDaisycelestinelea90MmeLaCroozslyoung5Havnfun28FreeDriftwoodUnicornSyrup
    • 1
    • RETWEET
    celestinelea90
  • matttuff
      matt tuff @matttuff

    It's funny how some people (assholes) think that the Fire Lane in front of Whole Foods stands for Valet Service.

    • 12
    • FAVS
    slyoung5Havnfun28FreeDriftwooddberringthe_anastasiapaul_shinnCtotheASSjimmyfairplay
  • matttuff
      matt tuff @matttuff

    I just dropped a cookie on the floor and decided to skim through my HR packet to see how many bereavement days I'm entitled to.

    • 18
    • FAVS
    Ninja_Soup_MmeLaCroozKali_MuraFreeDriftwoodStexcyCshift3slyoung5ladyjazsjunk
    • 4
    • RETWEETS
    slyoung5ladyjazsjunkjustsomedishCool_Jesse
  • matttuff
      matt tuff @matttuff

    My tramp stamp doesn't seem to be working correctly.

    • 21
    • FAVS
    MmeLaCroozladyjazsjunkTashaAnn11sokyshipnStephenBCramermikeym00nslyoung5justsomedish
    • 3
    • RETWEETS
    ladyjazsjunksokyshipnNoSpankYou
  • matttuff
      matt tuff @matttuff

    Most of my nightmares begin with me eating a tuna sandwich from a gas station.

    • 21
    • FAVS
    ladyjazsjunkStephenBCramermikeym00ndonniNoSpankYouslyoung5justsomedishthe_anastasia
    • 1
    • RETWEET
    ladyjazsjunk
  • matttuff
     
    matt tuff @matttuff

    @greeblehaus you're very kind to include me. Thank you.

    • 1
    • FAV
    Greeblehaus
  • matttuff
      matt tuff @matttuff

    I wonder how long it will take grandma to realize she's in a shed out back and not in the new nursing home I promised her.

    • 22
    • FAVS
    FingDuckladyjazsjunkStephenBCramerMurseBrianRNthe_anastasialllvvvzzzNinja_Soup_Majorzdead
    • 3
    • RETWEETS
    ladyjazsjunklllvvvzzzslyoung5
  • matttuff
      matt tuff @matttuff

    I feel like a trained karate expert breaking a stack of blocks when I blow my nose.

    • 11
    • FAVS
    MmeLaCroozStephenBCramerthe_anastasiacloudypianosslyoung5truffleparamourGreeblehauspaul_shinn
  • matttuff
      matt tuff @matttuff

    The worst part about having an argument with one of my marionettes is having to get up and move him out of the room as he storms off.

    • 22
    • FAVS
    StephenBCramerdonnimirthemyameludooceBDearfiendthe_anastasiaJerryThomas
    • 2
    • RETWEETS
    myameluJackandpele
  • matttuff
      matt tuff @matttuff

    Frodo was really just a glorified ring bearer for Mount Doom.

    • 5
    • FAVS
    GreeblehausStephenBCramerslyoung5HeyitsLoriIdStandOnThat
    • 1
    • RETWEET
    KelleyCan
  • matttuff
      matt tuff @matttuff

    Tacos do so much damage to grandma's insides that she needs to sleep in the bathtub whenever she eats them.

    • 11
    • FAVS
    StephenBCramerslyoung5StumpWoodleyIdStandOnThatrobyn_vobrentbizzshanetheveinMentalErrorist
  • matttuff
      matt tuff @matttuff

    Living on earth is a lot more exciting when you picture it as one giant beanbag.

    • 25
    • FAVS
    MmeLaCroozGreeblehausshakeygeckoThatsMyBushStumpWoodleyJonJon_BrownDepecheALAmode_jennjenn
    • 3
    • RETWEETS
    Liam_Igslyoung5CodyFreakinKing
  • matttuff
      matt tuff @matttuff

    Nothing ruins a day like having to put on pants.

    • 20
    • FAVS
    ladyjazsjunkThatsMyBushStumpWoodleyDepecheALAmodemortbarrycomedyKali_Murathe_anastasiajwil10
    • 6
    • RETWEETS
    ladyjazsjunkshowcaseJaseslyoung5VulcanNinjaAvatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48
  • matttuff
      matt tuff @matttuff

    I'm not opposed to bringing decapitation by guillotine back for people that cut their nails in public.

    • 28
    • FAVS
    MmeLaCroozGreeblehausMonicaBielankoaccuweathernubiqerafeseSCbchbumThatsMyBushStumpWoodley
    • 6
    • RETWEETS
    hiqudufezuradriennesuessslyoung5JTGEMINI69Avatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48
  • matttuff
      matt tuff @matttuff

    Do you remember the good old days when anteaters would just eat ants without questioning whether the ants were in your pants or not?

    • 24
    • FAVS
    ladyjazsjunkStumpWoodleyStephenBCramerswollenvoiceDickensnycthe_anastasiaGetbentLAHeyitsLori
    • 2
    • RETWEETS
    ladyjazsjunkslyoung5
  • matttuff
      matt tuff @matttuff

    Going to the bathroom on a bus during rush hour traffic just feels weird especially since this bus doesn't have a bathroom.

    • 12
    • FAVS
    MmeLaCroozFriskyandFeistyslyoung5the_anastasiasarahellewStephenBCramerlllvvvzzz_jennjenn
    • 1
    • RETWEET
    lllvvvzzz
  • matttuff
      matt tuff @matttuff

    For breakfast I want to belly flop into a pool of pancakes and eat my way out.

    • 24
    • FAVS
    GreeblehausSCbchbumKittenMrowlThatsMyBushStumpWoodleydavidisnotrightKali_MuraNinja_Soup_
    • 6
    • RETWEETS
    billowwillow12BareChestyslyoung5Avatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48
  • matttuff
      matt tuff @matttuff

    I'm getting on an airplane and all I can think about is how confused my boat shoes must be.

    • 47
    • FAVS
    MmeLaCroozSCbchbumThatsMyBushStumpWoodleyamymay26LuvPugwaynetugwellthe_anastasia
    • 10
    • RETWEETS
    butterflysiminThatsMyBushBareChestyslyoung5Jordan_AlainafxlyAvatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48
  • matttuff
      matt tuff @matttuff

    I'm depressed thinking about how many father-daughter dances Darth Vader and Princess Leia missed out on and what it's like to have friends.

    • 24
    • FAVS
    plasticcrackStephenBCramerKatieGlaister30marcmackbrentceteraKim_pulsiveschuzamDepecheALAmode
    • 8
    • RETWEETS
    off_beat_deadDrunkBastardhoopahoepSkeltonsHeadkesg2slyoung5JaysandjaysAvatar_unknown_48
@matttuff

@matttuff

This is all make believe like Bernoulli and his stupid principle.