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  • matttuff
      matt @matttuff

    I'm not opposed to bringing decapitation by guillotine back for people that cut their nails in public.

    • 14
    • FAVS
    JTGEMINI69arteestHeyitsLoriherekittykittyoBDGarpJolinErinadamclarbrentbizz
    • 3
    • RETWEETS
    JTGEMINI69Avatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48
  • matttuff
      matt @matttuff

    Do you remember the good old days when anteaters would just eat ants without questioning whether the ants were in your pants or not?

    • 21
    • FAVS
    swollenvoiceDickensnycthe_anastasiaGetbentLAHeyitsLoriIdStandOnThatwendi_furgusonHiHighHigher
    • 1
    • RETWEET
    slyoung5
  • matttuff
      matt @matttuff

    Going to the bathroom on a bus during rush hour traffic just feels weird especially since this bus doesn't have a bathroom.

    • 9
    • FAVS
    the_anastasiasarahellewStephenBCramerlllvvvzzz_jennjennFruit_SlingerMarcusTheTokenScottLinnen
    • 1
    • RETWEET
    lllvvvzzz
  • matttuff
      matt @matttuff

    For breakfast I want to belly flop into a pool of pancakes and eat my way out.

    • 10
    • FAVS
    the_anastasiapand_emoniumStephenBCramerbrinomitepaul_shinnSkyMarieCIdStandOnThatLisa_Bizzle
    • 1
    • RETWEET
    Avatar_unknown_48
  • matttuff
      matt @matttuff

    I'm getting on an airplane and all I can think about is how confused my boat shoes must be.

    • 34
    • FAVS
    StephenBCramermarcmackbrentceterakapr_78Kim_pulsiveredpawn3Angreacactibeach
    • 5
    • RETWEETS
    slyoung5Jordan_AlainafxlyAvatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48
  • matttuff
      matt @matttuff

    I'm depressed thinking about how many father-daughter dances Darth Vader and Princess Leia missed out on and what it's like to have friends.

    • 23
    • FAVS
    StephenBCramerKatieGlaister30marcmackbrentceteraKim_pulsiveschuzamDepecheALAmodethe_anastasia
    • 8
    • RETWEETS
    off_beat_deadDrunkBastardhoopahoepSkeltonsHeadkesg2slyoung5JaysandjaysAvatar_unknown_48
  • matttuff
      matt @matttuff

    I can't hear the fireworks over grandma's snoring.

    • 15
    • FAVS
    brentceteraschuzamthe_anastasiaoneICURNStephenBCramerslyoung5JennibeebopHeyitsLori
  • matttuff
      matt @matttuff

    I'm trying to decorate my house and I'm unsure about which window treatments go best with beanbags.

    • 19
    • FAVS
    brentceteraKim_pulsiveschuzamthe_anastasianorm_townoneICURNCpin42slyoung5
    • 1
    • RETWEET
    JoshuaMclane
  • matttuff
      matt @matttuff

    Either a golden retriever just invited me on a journey across the country in a hot air balloon or I've had way too much to drink.

    • 36
    • FAVS
    brentceteraschuzamcloudypianosthe_anastasiaoneICURNcfishingCpin42_Ms_Moneypenny_
    • 7
    • RETWEETS
    nocturnallymethe5amsaintslyoung5azul74blunakedlaughingCool_Jesse_KennyD_
  • matttuff
      matt @matttuff

    When I see a beautiful woman walk by with ice cream.  https://vine.co/v/MWQYEzjuOmq 

    • 4
    • FAVS
    the_anastasiaslyoung5StephenBCrameritsa_talia
  • matttuff
      matt @matttuff

    Grandma just invited all her geriatric friends over to swim in the swimming pool we don't have.

    • 23
    • FAVS
    brentceteraschuzamoneICURNJennibeebopjane_botKali_Murameurs4ultthe_anastasia
    • 3
    • RETWEETS
    kmab4lifeslyoung5donnacross417
  • matttuff
      matt @matttuff

    I've never eaten gluten-free cookies but I imagine they taste a lot like One Direction sounds.

    • 21
    • FAVS
    brentceteraschuzamoneICURNCpin42Kali_Murathe_anastasiaAngreagorgeouscompany
    • 3
    • RETWEETS
    Alison_Morris68slyoung5TheJadedNYer
  • matttuff
      matt @matttuff

    Have your clowns spayed or neutered.

    • 13
    • FAVS
    brentceteraschuzamoneICURNthe_anastasiaslyoung5StephenBCramerMariyaAlexanderAvatar_unknown_48
    • 2
    • RETWEETS
    Avatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48
  • matttuff
      matt @matttuff

    I worry that some of my worries go unworried.

    • 12
    • FAVS
    schuzamoneICURNStephenBCramerthe_anastasiaAvatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48
  • matttuff
      matt @matttuff

    🎶Shout! Shout! Pour a bit out, these are the stains we can live without.🎶

    • 16
    • FAVS
    Kim_pulsiveschuzamDanny_McH2Ogurl_cheeseStephenBCramersnickuousslyoung5Smooheed
    • 3
    • RETWEETS
    gurl_cheeseherekittykittyoIdStandOnThat
  • matttuff
      matt @matttuff

    There are two types of people in this world, those who don't eat straight out of the salad bar at Whole Foods and assholes.

    • 13
    • FAVS
    schuzamoneICURNgurl_cheeseStephenBCramerredpawn3slyoung5katdenkAvatar_unknown_48
  • matttuff
      matt @matttuff

    Banana peel pants so that when you go to bed you can just peel them off.

    • 21
    • FAVS
    Kim_pulsiveschuzamoneICURNCpin42gurl_cheeseStephenBCramerluvstankredpawn3
    • 6
    • RETWEETS
    Clairebear19751007_rogersWildeWildetingslyoung5mariosRODAvatar_unknown_48
  • matttuff
      matt @matttuff

    If the season finale of Game of Thrones wasn't on tonight then I'd probably call my dad and wish him a happy Father's Day.

    • 12
    • FAVS
    Kim_pulsiveoneICURNStephenBCramerCthulhuWillRiseredpawn3slyoung5katdenkMariyaAlexander
    • 2
    • RETWEETS
    redpawn3Avatar_unknown_48
  • matttuff
      matt @matttuff

    If there's ever a zombie apocalypse I'm going to the beach. I have a hard enough time walking through the sand with non-zombie legs.

    • 14
    • FAVS
    brentceteraoneICURNgurl_cheeseStephenBCramerCthulhuWillRiseredpawn3slyoung5katdenk
    • 2
    • RETWEETS
    redpawn3Avatar_unknown_48
@matttuff

@matttuff

This is all make believe like Bernoulli and his stupid principle.