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I never understood why my mom complained about putting her blood sweat and tears into doing laundry when she could've just bought detergent.
Ryan Gosling and Eva Mendes are expecting a baby boy this month. Good luck to the other boys born this month, I hope you like living alone.
It's funny how some people (assholes) think that the Fire Lane in front of Whole Foods stands for Valet Service.
I just dropped a cookie on the floor and decided to skim through my HR packet to see how many bereavement days I'm entitled to.
My tramp stamp doesn't seem to be working correctly.
Most of my nightmares begin with me eating a tuna sandwich from a gas station.
I wonder how long it will take grandma to realize she's in a shed out back and not in the new nursing home I promised her.
I feel like a trained karate expert breaking a stack of blocks when I blow my nose.
The worst part about having an argument with one of my marionettes is having to get up and move him out of the room as he storms off.
Frodo was really just a glorified ring bearer for Mount Doom.
Tacos do so much damage to grandma's insides that she needs to sleep in the bathtub whenever she eats them.
Living on earth is a lot more exciting when you picture it as one giant beanbag.
Nothing ruins a day like having to put on pants.
I'm not opposed to bringing decapitation by guillotine back for people that cut their nails in public.
Do you remember the good old days when anteaters would just eat ants without questioning whether the ants were in your pants or not?
Going to the bathroom on a bus during rush hour traffic just feels weird especially since this bus doesn't have a bathroom.
For breakfast I want to belly flop into a pool of pancakes and eat my way out.
I'm getting on an airplane and all I can think about is how confused my boat shoes must be.
I'm depressed thinking about how many father-daughter dances Darth Vader and Princess Leia missed out on and what it's like to have friends.
This is all make believe like Bernoulli and his stupid principle.