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Bringing grandma to the park has been depressing since she no longer catches frisbees in her mouth like she used to.
The best thing about this fancy well designed iPhone 6 Plus is that nobody will notice the hernia belt I'm wearing.
Nobody questions me about my grandma lying around in public as long as I place a yoga mat under her.
Woke up in a tub of kidney beans.
Tape dispensers but for pancakes.
My grandma's just like Hansel and Gretel except instead of bread crumbs she leaves a trail of dead skin to find her way home.
It's cute how all my stuffed animals act like they don't know what I'm saying.
My dad called to tell me he was disappointed in me and we laughed and laughed until his phone privilege was over at the state penitentiary.
I never understood why my mom complained about putting her blood sweat and tears into doing laundry when she could've just bought detergent.
Ryan Gosling and Eva Mendes are expecting a baby boy this month. Good luck to the other boys born this month, I hope you like living alone.
It's funny how some people (assholes) think that the Fire Lane in front of Whole Foods stands for Valet Service.
I just dropped a cookie on the floor and decided to skim through my HR packet to see how many bereavement days I'm entitled to.
My tramp stamp doesn't seem to be working correctly.
Most of my nightmares begin with me eating a tuna sandwich from a gas station.
I wonder how long it will take grandma to realize she's in a shed out back and not in the new nursing home I promised her.
I feel like a trained karate expert breaking a stack of blocks when I blow my nose.
The worst part about having an argument with one of my marionettes is having to get up and move him out of the room as he storms off.
Frodo was really just a glorified ring bearer for Mount Doom.
This is all make believe like Bernoulli and his stupid principle.