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Do you have an overwhelming amount of things to do today? There's a nap for that.
Just another man paddling a burrito filled canoe down this river called life.
Most of my days are a complete waste of time but today I thought of about 30 different things I'd do if one of my hands was a giant ladle.
It's so cute that my town has something against plowing roads.
The fact that grandma refers to snow as human skin flakes and still runs around catching snowflakes in her mouth scares the hell out of me.
It's not abuse making grandma pump my gas on cold days like this because old people have no feelings.
I love handwriting Valentine's cards, until the drugs wear off and then I'm just scribbling nonsense on my bedroom walls with red lipstick.
What on earth do you get a burrito for Valentine's Day? They already have everything.
I need a cologne that smells like Chris Isaak sounds.
I can't tell if I feel better or worse about my life when I look at the Flappy Bird leaderboard.
You never close your eyes anymore when I kiss your lips and there's no tenderness like before in your fingertips and you have no pulse.
Don't pretend like you know me, double stuffed Oreo ice cream sandwich.
Excuse me. Do you serve whole pies for lunch?
Funny Prank: Go on a lion safari and follow your buddy around with a giant laser pointer.
I'd bring a knife to a bun fight.
For Valentine's Day buy your loved one something that shows you care like a birthday card or Christmas gift for all the times you've forgot.
I would rather jump out of a plane and have to skydive to my parachute than receive a massage at one of those kiosks in a mall.
Outside shoveling snow Jell-O with a giant spoon.
Right now in an old abandoned warehouse there's a pair of Z. Cavariccis and parachute pants wrestling over who looked cooler on A.C. Slater.
I'm one bad day away from having one full week of bad days.
This is all make believe like Bernoulli and his stupid principle.