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  • mattytalks
      MattyTalks @mattytalks

    Ladies call me Subway because I've got low quality meat and lie about being 6 inches

    • 5,072
    • FAVS
    erica_hayes14taytaywixJackMazzeoerinbutleerwalruspornstarntk_kZ0WRY__holloway_connor
    • 2,717
    • RETWEETS
    drubel2walruspornstarholloway_connorTylereBefortDaveCountykylemcdouchebagzolly_bChoobalka17
    DahFahQusayDanMentosMike_BianchiABurgerADaySecks_manAceMakesWordsRistolableKyle_LippertrobdelaneyGimpySunshine____
  • mattytalks
      MattyTalks @mattytalks

    Why are they called territorial disputes and not ground beef

    • 3,928
    • FAVS
    JeffBBurkemvwickyS1N1STER41mellamobradysachasayanscndpengAndreas493DahFahQusay
    • 2,577
    • RETWEETS
    S1N1STER41nickgrodorubenluthmanjaredbrannonbreadpleaseWhatTheH_ckstretchyXcheezeEsk1313
    DanielRCarrillobloptPeachCoffinLeeMifsudOhNoSheTwitnt
  • mattytalks
      MattyTalks @mattytalks

    My mom found out that I was smoking the weed and she told me to "pack my bags" LOL it's called a bowl mom and it's already packed

    • 3,297
    • FAVS
    apostrophebeatsstefanguimondrubenluthmantpool_BrettThompson25RachelPoucherColgelGcouchdweller
    • 1,738
    • RETWEETS
    xoxogossiphurlPlankfanstefanguimondDJCOKEZEROdivinelycomedictasty_testiclesColgelGStephenHegeman
    Jenny4ashleyCameron_SladeOhNoSheTwitntLeeMifsudGoodNapsfanofhellvasedgodMrSpoonicornGHOSTBONESA_JahhWeedcoffin__
  • mattytalks
      MattyTalks @mattytalks

    Girl are you a University of Phoenix degree because I'm pursuing you online and from my couch

    • 2,846
    • FAVS
    KonyRockyHorrorjasonkweissjimtothehumAnotsu357Blueblur1tehmicahoBryangiantmecha
    • 1,641
    • RETWEETS
    drubel2ludaacrispppZeppoWilbury_jdoddAnotsu357TJCaptBloodjcwindersJaymeeMak
    robfeevenomjunkie2
  • mattytalks
      MattyTalks @mattytalks

    Twitter isn't about followers you guys it's about retreating so deeply into your web persona that you alienate everyone who ever loved you

    • 2,171
    • FAVS
    CyrethSchneeemannminzechenwhattheforkmontaukin2011zwantzigSlaydnrcameldriva
    • 1,497
    • RETWEETS
    SchneeemannnichtschubsenAlf_Moellermogelponyschwawahjoshuarhodes13darrrkstarrrkendallbett
    DryDickRandoWeeabooGenocide__WarmCigarette_
  • mattytalks
      MattyTalks @mattytalks

    Actually Jennifer, diamonds are a girls best friend, so technically I slept with your second best friend

    • 3,931
    • FAVS
    trojansaucemorgandianemike__hurdRyanBSteinerHijoDePoloBrianOvertonNadrojMcDongabbycastano
    • 1,412
    • RETWEETS
    Jbarrile02JDSteffenskamil_nazarMickey_Brandtthndrbrd13SwedenDCtrashboy2000jaketheimpaler
    thepunningmanWildeThingyradtoria
  • mattytalks
      MattyTalks @mattytalks

    Tyler the Creator changes his name to Tyler the Job Creator and is instantly #2 in the republican polls until they realize that he is black

    • 1,627
    • FAVS
    apostrophebeatsjasonkweissGOOSEFreemanapoopjoketerryraymentapopagasmSageThornbrughTheConley
    • 1,361
    • RETWEETS
    stretchyXcheezeGreg_Beariousrobbinthe860BigMikeInAustinshybonerscaaesurathepopenoeslovakat__
    Youriquadrewtoothpastedudehugs
  • mattytalks
      MattyTalks @mattytalks

    I love libertarianism because it combines the "don't tell me what to do" attitude of a teen with economic understanding of a child

    • 2,260
    • FAVS
    apostrophebeatshaycheckVinncentm_ethanielpinupteachercremaster221austerehoundZaQ5322
    • 1,304
    • RETWEETS
    cremaster221CrumbleNeedyAnnDristBenFoster000DebraMuffinbnnygrladdanonymous16Jfree36008
    SteveDutzy
  • mattytalks
      MattyTalks @mattytalks

    I couldn't bring myself to kill my own turkey so I put baggy pants and a hoodie on one and a cop shot it for me

    • 2,033
    • FAVS
    ethanwright013wussup_eonume_loganaraiisaiahdaumjennregenGOOSEFreemanNickCrispi
    • 1,258
    • RETWEETS
    onume_TobiasShamblinChrlesGlass12juanstoppablecarolliptonSerpentX66Cam_DogMacAttack35
  • mattytalks
      MattyTalks @mattytalks

    I've got to say this John Wilkes Photo Booth takes amazing Headshots

    • 2,028
    • FAVS
    Jessica_FalkePLSVGEFrank_McCoy34TheConleyWhatTheH_ckbrockly12345FlirtyNikkacodyallan7
    • 1,249
    • RETWEETS
    davidwadescodyallan7AdairyQueentaynash10_mikehartland_KneeCashmere_Slothibleedteal48
    EndhooSSaxMouseadamrenschnice_mustard
  • mattytalks
      MattyTalks @mattytalks

    Horton Hears Voices but doesn't have access to affordable mental healthcare so he will likely end up committing a violent crime #SadDrSeuss

    • 938
    • FAVS
    stefanguimondSageThornbrughWhatTheH_ckJimboleemZane_StephensWhoopdeedoo22Halexander916__flufferfish
    • 1,233
    • RETWEETS
    stefanguimondmdjacksondallasgefiltecatqueeflatina8000EarlSundayangryl0lrustylermcjunkin26conrc
  • mattytalks
      MattyTalks @mattytalks

    I just met you/And this is Swayze/But there's a corner/It's not for Baby

    • 1,362
    • FAVS
    WhatTheH_ckILoveSailing123Zane_StephensWhoopdeedoo22suggarloafagentkyleandylevyGeorgeEvans_
    • 1,198
    • RETWEETS
    Sparks_2012ILoveSailing123julesnbjulienbobbofullGeorgeEvans_Shay_GriffithPetPinkElephantDryDickRando
    PetPinkElephantburgerkrangpartiallyproCognitive_DissBeeStapler
  • mattytalks
      MattyTalks @mattytalks

    Girl did it hurt when you fell from heaven? No, cool. Then let's talk about who's going to pay for my fucking roof

    • 2,015
    • FAVS
    apostrophebeatsGOOSEFreemanCelebrityChezmian_kakakhelryan_sanWhatTheH_ckmusamalik_12Jimboleem
    • 1,158
    • RETWEETS
    GOOSEFreemanKyleCronin74HollyMemphisjacobTisRadJenny4ashleyPetPinkElephantgefiltecatColl_Carey
    havingafatdaymountainlexdrugleaf
  • mattytalks
      MattyTalks @mattytalks

    Do you guys want me to do a psychic trick for you? Think of something,think really hard don't tell me what it is.Ok Ready? I Fucking Hate it

    • 1,979
    • FAVS
    jasonkweisspinupteacherhaccoyWhatTheH_ckausterehoundallthingspoeticHumor_FetishDahFahQusay
    • 1,005
    • RETWEETS
    jacobTisRadDahFahQusaybrododendron__reTICKulousScrumpleToshvahjackman_ochskierstinanna
    Benesh_shruglordcrushingbortcollegebenPajamaBen_Weedcoffin__dinogorecharMANdorkKMdhc
  • mattytalks
      MattyTalks @mattytalks

    If you don't have empathy then discretion is a good alternative

    • 1,144
    • FAVS
    BlahsmackpinupteacherWhatTheH_ckineveningair13Whoopdeedoo22defnottoriALL6SENSESY3W_TREE
    • 995
    • RETWEETS
    Blahsmacktylermcjunkin26slogsdonGerryMarkNortonmacplarrALL6SENSESY3W_TREEsophsween
    davedittell
  • mattytalks
      MattyTalks @mattytalks

    What idiot called them funerals instead of Tragic:The Gathering

    • 1,604
    • FAVS
    GOOSEFreemanSignificentBearWhatTheH_ckkureru_meruKarma_KannonMichal_Siekhyliandannyjsbluethree
    • 881
    • RETWEETS
    Karma_Kannonisha_tearsfyzzgiggidyMeteoryanWhirblewindIronicLarktruongasmbrockly12345
    jonnysunHome_Halfway101Racey
  • mattytalks
      MattyTalks @mattytalks

    #SignsSheWantsTheD she did the bare minimum required to pass but her paper lacked creativity and original ideas

    • 1,079
    • FAVS
    gefiltecatTelehoIicLilSweetOnionsimonherzogKcone_connorbell714BramptonBartmanoffthemarktweet
    • 847
    • RETWEETS
    gefiltecatcameronsadlerSKZakVansantcJunior__iiivyy_leagueaillicimod_25JoshPetersen7
    winnersusedrugs
  • mattytalks
      MattyTalks @mattytalks

    Ladies call me the Joe Paterno statue because I'm in bad taste,I weigh 1000's of pounds and have been forcibly removed from a college campus

    • 1,650
    • FAVS
    tkellyrLivinLikeLarryMaleashuhhMcCmollyBro_Pairmike__hurd90s_fab_purpbressltweet
    • 824
    • RETWEETS
    mj_clvrkbressltweetkrisknutSF_EQBEaglestpvincentgaffe_tapea_lolbrarian
    lawblob
  • mattytalks
      MattyTalks @mattytalks

    I have a rare muscle disease that causes my hands to write racist things that I don't remember later. The Doctor is calling it Ron Palsy

    • 780
    • FAVS
    WhatTheH_ckDinosaurWigmjuktacoDoubleRinNKYMattStockman4DondoTimeCherylAFeliceClassicRot
    • 800
    • RETWEETS
    sinaj_MattStockman4DianaDeVito1bakinggoodYourProtagonistgracecoexistIanNievesSarahSecord__
    wankcity
  • mattytalks
      MattyTalks @mattytalks

    Twitter is not for changing people, it's for using comedy to make girls slightly out of your league fall in love with you.

    • 1,406
    • FAVS
    danicalicostefanguimondHarmsSarahLicramXcloudypianosSJDonahoejackawestEric_Adam10
    • 771
    • RETWEETS
    stefanguimondfammyfamsSJDonahoealufkin21peteeeesweenonlinePsully226O_Fenomeno86
    hella_brad
@mattytalks

@mattytalks

A Hooker with a Heart of Gold