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  • mattytalks
      retired bro @mattytalks

    Ladies call me Subway because I've got low quality meat and lie about being 6 inches

    • 6,840
    • FAVS
    pogsaregooddavebrancosucksmdicarloHunstadShelbyJaredKunishsorethumbelinaakaScooterkennethdanielc
    • 3,559
    • RETWEETS
    JaredKunishsadb0ycakesbethawilkeCap_n_morganweffy93Drek4RealCarverScottyuvygroovy
    DahFahQusayDanMentosMike_BianchiABurgerADaySecks_manAceMakesWordsRistolableKyle_LippertrobdelaneyGimpySunshine____
  • mattytalks
      retired bro @mattytalks

    Why are they called territorial disputes and not ground beef

    • 4,093
    • FAVS
    MikeACollierdavebrancosuckst_caseltineAileenFeschukPorkUrPinebrendangarvin01aruigugomiouji
    • 2,587
    • RETWEETS
    ASVPNeilcrunklesamnivekdiaz11brendangarvin01aruigudweniussideeyebobLisabug74
    DanielRCarrillobloptPeachCoffinLeeMifsudOhNoSheTwitnt
  • mattytalks
      retired bro @mattytalks

    Girl are you a University of Phoenix degree because I'm pursuing you online and from my couch

    • 4,466
    • FAVS
    pogsaregoodbrinomiteSiobhanRafterderdunklekommtfriendlyyeahNathanielWaggDerek__GardnerMrLiamHagan
    • 2,371
    • RETWEETS
    Newport_Shawty_King_Nig_derdunklekommtwine_nymphVFD_crowPneumatologyjoechurchilltiffanyhurring
    Lisabug74robfeevenomjunkie2
  • mattytalks
      retired bro @mattytalks

    My mom found out that I was smoking the weed and she told me to "pack my bags" LOL it's called a bowl mom and it's already packed

    • 3,559
    • FAVS
    MikeACollierdavebrancosucksHalit_awaleAnnaEldred4CassHrabiktroy_calandra__GregBFG92teejo_
    • 1,817
    • RETWEETS
    Halit_awaleWarWizardteejo_insatiablexplrcraigclaytonseaSuzziesGashLisabug74TheSolClarke
    Jenny4ashleyCameron_SladeOhNoSheTwitntLeeMifsudGoodNapsfanofhellvasedgodMrSpoonicornGHOSTBONESA_JahhWeedcoffin__
  • mattytalks
      retired bro @mattytalks

    Thanks to Obamacare my son has been formally diagnosed as a gamer and we can finally afford the Mountain Dew he needs to stay alive

    • 3,518
    • FAVS
    mdicarloreaganpark_SmelleanorPeople_CookiesThug_Daddy_UpdogFunkPT_Swagbag93Super_Haz
    • 1,701
    • RETWEETS
    Sam1PoundstaThug_Daddy_SkyeO01BookishBohemWICKEDTRUTH01GOLD1EGLOCKSWillociRaptorMikeTheBeech
    SteveDutzy
  • mattytalks
      retired bro @mattytalks

    Actually Jennifer, diamonds are a girls best friend, so technically I slept with your second best friend

    • 4,624
    • FAVS
    davebrancosucksfoliefloulynzierae_YaCambielnombre__laflacaCoolestDad4RealccarroolllAustin2_Miller
    • 1,684
    • RETWEETS
    sees587__SxRxRnR__CoolestDad4Realteenflembrazier_emmaauronignoisolpXeSKriz435
    thepunningmanWildeThingyradtoria
  • mattytalks
      retired bro @mattytalks

    RT @boring_as_heck: Damn girl, is your dad an astronaut? Because I'd like to meet him. Please let me meet your astronaut dad.

    • 1,665
    • RETWEETS
    Avatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48
  • mattytalks
      retired bro @mattytalks

    Twitter isn't about followers you guys it's about retreating so deeply into your web persona that you alienate everyone who ever loved you

    • 2,177
    • FAVS
    agitpropLisabug74beefman138SteveDutzyCameron_54ClamDiveCyrethSchneeemann
    • 1,501
    • RETWEETS
    Lisabug74beefman138Rydog57ClamDiveDaveCountySchneeemannnichtschubsenAlf_Moeller
    DryDickRandoWeeabooGenocide__WarmCigarette
  • mattytalks
      retired bro @mattytalks

    Tyler the Creator changes his name to Tyler the Job Creator and is instantly #2 in the republican polls until they realize that he is black

    • 1,635
    • FAVS
    MikeACollierlawrenlikesitiwearaonesiePDitz34d_eoinBretLeTDrewFroggerClamDive
    • 1,365
    • RETWEETS
    lawrenlikesitPDitz34ClamDivefuckutomstretchyXcheezeGreg_Beariousrobbinthe860BigMikeInAustin
    Youriquadrewtoothpastedudehugs
  • mattytalks
      retired bro @mattytalks

    I love libertarianism because it combines the "don't tell me what to do" attitude of a teen with economic understanding of a child

    • 2,267
    • FAVS
    WeezerStillGood_MurderbydeathiwearaonesieDana2EPDitz34deathtoscumbagsbenjaminrmathkeywest0007
    • 1,310
    • RETWEETS
    realallengroue_MurderbydeathPDitz34beefman138Rydog57hicksncohollycaraethomas3915
    deathtoscumbagsSteveDutzy
  • mattytalks
      retired bro @mattytalks

    I couldn't bring myself to kill my own turkey so I put baggy pants and a hoodie on one and a cop shot it for me

    • 2,037
    • FAVS
    mdicarlohook8669benjaminrmathwhoislukecusickphyllisagnesMichelleTopham1firstatheistAmberSture
    • 1,263
    • RETWEETS
    nosnalemnorhook8669MichelleTopham1firstatheistTRexstasyDaHomieNickproudliberal305keywest0007
  • mattytalks
      retired bro @mattytalks

    I've got to say this John Wilkes Photo Booth takes amazing Headshots

    • 2,038
    • FAVS
    pogsaregoodPorkUrPinenikkiballew83__2_Mins_Hatehook8669Mind_fukkmelodremmaticforeverjap
    • 1,254
    • RETWEETS
    PorkUrPinehook8669Mind_fukkforeverjapbeefman138Rydog57ClamDivedavidwades
    EndhooSSaxMouseadamrenschnice_mustard
  • mattytalks
      retired bro @mattytalks

    Horton Hears Voices but doesn't have access to affordable mental healthcare so he will likely end up committing a violent crime #SadDrSeuss

    • 940
    • FAVS
    MikeACollieraPlaceInHellClamDivestefanguimondSageThornbrughWhatTheH_ckJimboleemZane_Stephens
    • 1,234
    • RETWEETS
    ClamDivefavstar_historystefanguimondmdjacksondallaslikeabeecat__queeflatina8000EarlSundayshaftment
  • mattytalks
      retired bro @mattytalks

    I just met you/And this is Swayze/But there's a corner/It's not for Baby

    • 1,365
    • FAVS
    DrewFroggerpatriceflaccoWebbPaganfingerArtIsMyPornVodkaTiemClamDiveWhatTheH_ckILoveSailing123
    • 1,202
    • RETWEETS
    DrewFroggerRydog57patriceflaccoWebbPaganfingerVodkaTiemClamDiveSparks_2012ILoveSailing123
    PetPinkElephantburgerkrangpartiallyproCognitive_DissBeeStapler
  • mattytalks
      retired bro @mattytalks

    Girl did it hurt when you fell from heaven? No, cool. Then let's talk about who's going to pay for my fucking roof

    • 2,023
    • FAVS
    WallieBeatsbenjaminrmathswtlyevilbeefman138BretLeTBenCraveryCameron_54ClamDive
    • 1,162
    • RETWEETS
    jonahscohenbeefman138kennybushbeansRydog57ChristianIn480pCameron_54GOOSEFreemanKyleCronin74
    havingafatdaymountainlexdrugleaf
  • mattytalks
      retired bro @mattytalks

    What idiot called them funerals instead of Tragic:The Gathering

    • 2,276
    • FAVS
    JimNotCarreyderdunklekommtPeople_CookiesTigerPantsuitPT_Swagbag93CityGal79powerfulshampooMikestanley1
    • 1,145
    • RETWEETS
    derdunklekommtwine_nymphSkyeO01WICKEDTRUTH01NotMaxBadecef2010theartofbreakngxsleepybonesx
    jonnysunHome_Halfway101Racey
  • mattytalks
      retired bro @mattytalks

    A very busty woman whispers to me "I want you to tell me if these look real" my eyes widen, then she takes out pictures of the moon landing

    • 2,470
    • FAVS
    MikeACollieramydonnalaura_SmelleanorJake_OrganTheGuyFromGAheathermarnePT_Swagbag93Hamandmoreham
    • 1,124
    • RETWEETS
    deansmith7luis_camacho_0kyleeckerman17SkyeO01SterkyyB00L34NTheLastBand1ter0tikka
  • mattytalks
      retired bro @mattytalks

    Do you guys want me to do a psychic trick for you? Think of something,think really hard don't tell me what it is.Ok Ready? I Fucking Hate it

    • 2,224
    • FAVS
    hereholddeezFrankie5_AngelsiwearaonesiebenjaminrmathImTheTinManbeefman138cynnaughtEyeUnderSand
    • 1,079
    • RETWEETS
    Frankie5_AngelsiwearaonesieImTheTinManbeefman138TeeRav80BeardlyThoughtsDan_YoeSmellsbroshow06
    Benesh_shruglordcrushingbortcollegebenPajamaBen_Weedcoffin__dinogorecharMANdorkKMdhc
  • mattytalks
      retired bro @mattytalks

    If you don't have empathy then discretion is a good alternative

    • 1,144
    • FAVS
    beepscottjehlcolorswizardBlahsmack__pinupteacherWhatTheH_ckeldritch_girlWhoopdeedoo22
    • 995
    • RETWEETS
    favstar_historyBlahsmack__tylermcjunkin26slogsdonGerryMarkNortonmacplarrALL6SENSESY3W_TREE
    davedittell
  • mattytalks
      retired bro @mattytalks

    #SignsSheWantsTheD she did the bare minimum required to pass but her paper lacked creativity and original ideas

    • 1,079
    • FAVS
    likeabeecat__TelehoIicLilSweetOnionsimonherzogKcone_ConnorBRapsBramptonBartmanoffthemarktweet
    • 847
    • RETWEETS
    likeabeecat__cameronsadlerSKZakVansantcJunior__iiivyy_leagueaillicimod_25JoshPetersen7
    winnersusedrugs

Retired bro’s Best Tweets (By Retweets)

@mattytalks

@mattytalks

A Hooker with a Heart of Gold

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