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  • mattytalks
      MattyTalks @mattytalks

    Ladies call me Subway because I've got low quality meat and lie about being 6 inches

    • 4,976
    • FAVS
    zolofighterjoek37FunniestEverGOOSEFreemanJB4RealzRetrovertigoIggySuarezpatriceflacco
    • 2,634
    • RETWEETS
    Joegolden_FunniestEverSamuraiChineXcm_valentine91pappyabsguysMoist_Makerdef_whiteMcDaniel1022
    DanMentosMike_BianchiABurgerADaySecks_manAceMakesWordsRistolableKyle_LippertrobdelaneyGimpySunshine____
  • mattytalks
      MattyTalks @mattytalks

    Why are they called territorial disputes and not ground beef

    • 3,918
    • FAVS
    zolofighterjoek37georgeupperGOOSEFreemanJB4RealzTuckKarnesMattWilmersTannahHenney
    • 2,573
    • RETWEETS
    GOOSEFreemanMattWilmersmarvelleylizaniiqua81jono81secretcorndogsean_purcell4Marc_The_Marvel
    DanielRCarrillobloptPeachCoffinLeeMifsudOhNoSheTwitnt
  • mattytalks
      MattyTalks @mattytalks

    My mom found out that I was smoking the weed and she told me to "pack my bags" LOL it's called a bowl mom and it's already packed

    • 3,231
    • FAVS
    zolofighterjoek37white7999chrishoweareyouTelehoIicpaxtypoo2HOLT2HANDLEGeorgeEvans_
    • 1,724
    • RETWEETS
    DancesWithTamisGeorgeEvans_ShadyismyanchorshmeelzwombstoneJSmokeHasNoTwtrinnermansionsmarisacollette
    Jenny4ashleyCameron_SladeOhNoSheTwitntLeeMifsudGoodNapsfanofhellvasedgodMrSpoonicornGHOSTBONESA_JahhWeedCoffin
  • mattytalks
      MattyTalks @mattytalks

    Girl are you a University of Phoenix degree because I'm pursuing you online and from my couch

    • 2,791
    • FAVS
    hollabuggIAmKatieOrrLTundertheseaSpikeAsPimpVicFutureevacidalCaveman_42Sickayduh
    • 1,600
    • RETWEETS
    A_gligstriplexgroovySpikeAsPimpVicFutureSickayduhhannmartzolofighterwesgill00
    robfeevenomjunkie2
  • mattytalks
      MattyTalks @mattytalks

    Twitter isn't about followers you guys it's about retreating so deeply into your web persona that you alienate everyone who ever loved you

    • 2,111
    • FAVS
    flufferfishBASTIAN________brubinowTelehoIicquintywintiesDancesWithTamisthemostbrianEarlSunday
    • 1,496
    • RETWEETS
    favstar_historythemostbrianjgoody13swagmobile5000buttplayennuiRyanCordell4322raymondtwmudtipson
    inadumpsterWeeabooGenocide__BossCigarette
  • mattytalks
      MattyTalks @mattytalks

    Tyler the Creator changes his name to Tyler the Job Creator and is instantly #2 in the republican polls until they realize that he is black

    • 1,604
    • FAVS
    joek37NickCrispiregrettumSouthDak0taFuckQueuecareersingovSketchySpiceTelehoIic
    • 1,358
    • RETWEETS
    BigMikeInAustinSketchySpicecaaesurathepopenoeslovakat_k4iwombstoneEricDidHisBest
    Youriquadrewtoothpastedudehugs
  • mattytalks
      MattyTalks @mattytalks

    Actually Jennifer, diamonds are a girls best friend, so technically I slept with your second best friend

    • 3,579
    • FAVS
    LordagdamagCopperheadSammihougduskUrplePingoflufferfishzolofighterASAPBullwinkleGOOSEFreeman
    • 1,253
    • RETWEETS
    flufferfishbitezolofighterGOOSEFreemandenver_mccallisonsaikon_00_bradioactDEV
    WildeThingyradtoria
  • mattytalks
      MattyTalks @mattytalks

    I've got to say this John Wilkes Photo Booth takes amazing Headshots

    • 2,002
    • FAVS
    flufferfishFunniestEverGOOSEFreemanktorgentTelehoIicScottyHoffmanSabrinaFeasterthesh0ck3r
    • 1,247
    • RETWEETS
    FunniestEverGOOSEFreemanXPeter7cameronsadler__ScottyHoffmanSabrinaFeasterwest_coltontatarsaucee
    EndhooSSaxMouseadamrenschnice_mustard
  • mattytalks
      MattyTalks @mattytalks

    Horton Hears Voices but doesn't have access to affordable mental healthcare so he will likely end up committing a violent crime #SadDrSeuss

    • 932
    • FAVS
    flufferfishgefiltecatSteveDutzythesh0ck3rbrianAoconnorPetPinkElephantnishadtrivedimichael_carter2
    • 1,232
    • RETWEETS
    mdjacksondallasgefiltecatqueeflatina8000EarlSundayangryl0lrustylermcjunkin26conrcRussRoyalty
  • mattytalks
      MattyTalks @mattytalks

    I just met you/And this is Swayze/But there's a corner/It's not for Baby

    • 1,357
    • FAVS
    agentkyleandylevyGeorgeEvans_DancesWithTamisWildeThingyschweppyjane_botbrianAoconnor
    • 1,196
    • RETWEETS
    julesnbjulienbobbofullGeorgeEvans_Shay_GriffithPetPinkElephantinadumpsteradamrenschgefiltecat
    PetPinkElephantburgerkrangpartiallyproCognitive_DissBeeStapler
  • mattytalks
      MattyTalks @mattytalks

    Girl did it hurt when you fell from heaven? No, cool. Then let's talk about who's going to pay for my fucking roof

    • 2,004
    • FAVS
    mdicarloGeorgeEvans_quintywintiesthesh0ck3rHollyMemphisReeDickeyRealFrankLarkinjane_bot
    • 1,155
    • RETWEETS
    Jenny4ashleyPetPinkElephantgefiltecatColl_CareyJRobotLordAgCl3Cu2ethansmalleyevanlannister
    havingafatdaymountainlexdrugleaf
  • mattytalks
      MattyTalks @mattytalks

    I love libertarianism because it combines the "don't tell me what to do" attitude of a teen with economic understanding of a child

    • 1,897
    • FAVS
    benonymousssASAPBullwinkleDouchetoevskymatthewpsoucieagentkylelexandersongwarrenhenning__chastell
    • 1,151
    • RETWEETS
    ZeppoWilburySteveDutzyyohanperssonAndersBergqsecuritymakerSoulseller42kulelefantvalgeirsson
    SteveDutzy
  • mattytalks
      MattyTalks @mattytalks

    If you don't have empathy then discretion is a good alternative

    • 1,140
    • FAVS
    ALL6SENSESY3W_TREEIzzyNastasiabuttplayennuisurf_gothPihk77GermTorsoAuntieLeslie57
    • 994
    • RETWEETS
    slogsdonGerryMarkNortonmacplarrALL6SENSESY3W_TREEsophsweencolorswizardIzzyNastasia
    davedittell
  • mattytalks
      MattyTalks @mattytalks

    Do you guys want me to do a psychic trick for you? Think of something,think really hard don't tell me what it is.Ok Ready? I Fucking Hate it

    • 1,925
    • FAVS
    postboodenSKUL_newsfeedSilasEganFloresIsabella7rav43535ColgelG_Jakeezyshefshef19
    • 989
    • RETWEETS
    SKUL_newsfeedmujahidsunitehottubpeechrisjooniorHellaUnithisisntsaralol_ardeejpizzatrash
    Benesh_shruglordcrushingbortcollegebenPajamaBen_WeedCoffindinogorecharMANdorkKMdhc
  • mattytalks
      MattyTalks @mattytalks

    What idiot called them funerals instead of Tragic:The Gathering

    • 1,598
    • FAVS
    BASTIAN________DirtOneheavykrishna_HubrisHatincloudypianosSarcastiousDarthXavierSteveDutzy
    • 878
    • RETWEETS
    heavykrishna_tecnoleroSarcastiousSteveDutzyGruberamaRoryMarinichEarlSundaysimonherzog
    jonnysunHome_Halfway101Racey
  • mattytalks
      MattyTalks @mattytalks

    #SignsSheWantsTheD she did the bare minimum required to pass but her paper lacked creativity and original ideas

    • 1,079
    • FAVS
    gefiltecatTelehoIicthesh0ck3rsimonherzogKcone_connorbell714BramptonBartmanoffthemarktweet
    • 847
    • RETWEETS
    gefiltecatcameronsadler__SKZakVansantcJunior__iiivyy_leagueaillicimod_25JoshPetersen7
    winnersusedrugs
  • mattytalks
      MattyTalks @mattytalks

    I have a rare muscle disease that causes my hands to write racist things that I don't remember later. The Doctor is calling it Ron Palsy

    • 779
    • FAVS
    DinosaurWighotsincealdrigDoubleRinNKYMattStockman4MCFCFloresCherylAFeliceClassicRotDaveKaps
    • 800
    • RETWEETS
    SenorNiceGuyMattStockman4DianaDeVito1bakinggoodYourProtagonistgracecoexistIanNievesSarahSecord
    wankcity
  • mattytalks
      MattyTalks @mattytalks

    If you see a bunch of gay lions in a field do not yell "Oh look a gay pride meeting" because they won't laugh & will seriously eat you

    • 1,134
    • FAVS
    GrowlyGregojenlaw_11DrunkCaligulaAmwh23simonherzogNotJEvanCurryHardieCourtneyjensynr
    • 751
    • RETWEETS
    gefiltecatTotal_BadasszackfillionSam__Williamssnow_vanMrGetHappyangryl0lrusconstantlyjosh
    dinogoreSadnessSauce______OConnellComedyregislRideOrDiePudge
  • mattytalks
      MattyTalks @mattytalks

    Twitter is not for changing people, it's for using comedy to make girls slightly out of your league fall in love with you.

    • 1,352
    • FAVS
    LeGates_Kyle_VanBramerNickCrispiSmilee306wittwitbaristapunmagnateSteveDutzyDancesWithTamis
    • 741
    • RETWEETS
    LeGates_XC_PizzaGuyJohnSpencer81NickCrispiSteveDutzyJWally33GettTheD00rT0R_piscesiscariot
    hella_brad
  • mattytalks
      MattyTalks @mattytalks

    Thanks to Obamacare my son has been formally diagnosed as a gamer and we can finally afford the Mountain Dew he needs to stay alive

    • 1,358
    • FAVS
    SamMSpainhougduskjwaaaapScreenRbtgamingwarrenhenning__nik_maleticquintywintiesturnoffthissong
    • 705
    • RETWEETS
    flufferfishDaveCountyALR_Bassistgiventofly41brocketxyzGreg_BeariousgefiltecatRlpihl
@mattytalks

@mattytalks

A Hooker with a Heart of Gold