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  • mattytalks
      MattyTalks @mattytalks

    Ladies call me Subway because I've got low quality meat and lie about being 6 inches

    • 5,049
    • FAVS
    erika_brinkKenY2KenCoachieXmatthewbaldwinR_KulstadarlenkonopakiMehItsSarahRomneyFan69
    • 2,684
    • RETWEETS
    TexasToombsderyck151stretchyXcheezedruski_dot1MehItsSarahaustinrlinkNick_Espinozaryanyust3
    DanMentosMike_BianchiABurgerADaySecks_manAceMakesWordsRistolableKyle_LippertrobdelaneyGimpySunshine____
  • mattytalks
      MattyTalks @mattytalks

    RT @me_irl: Are you a "Nice Guy" frustrated with women bc they wont have sex with you? Tip: Fuck you. The world doesnt owe you shit and you…

    • 2,635
    • RETWEETS
    Avatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48
  • mattytalks
      MattyTalks @mattytalks

    Why are they called territorial disputes and not ground beef

    • 3,922
    • FAVS
    sus_as_hellGreg_BeariousJimboleemInUnderlandd__rachaellorenetaylorjeyvndreavictoriafcklexi
    • 2,576
    • RETWEETS
    stretchyXcheezeEsk1313watermelonmeatZane_StephensGOOSEFreemanMattWilmersmarvelleylizaniiqua
    DanielRCarrillobloptPeachCoffinLeeMifsudOhNoSheTwitnt
  • mattytalks
      MattyTalks @mattytalks

    My mom found out that I was smoking the weed and she told me to "pack my bags" LOL it's called a bowl mom and it's already packed

    • 3,260
    • FAVS
    KikiDoe_14allthingspoeticHumor_FetishginisimovDahFahQusaysus_as_hellmattlangerpolytraveller
    • 1,729
    • RETWEETS
    DahFahQusaystretchyXcheezeDrewLogjohnnyburntClevoZWoystertoadfishs_a_r_a_h___bfrknbns
    Jenny4ashleyCameron_SladeOhNoSheTwitntLeeMifsudGoodNapsfanofhellvasedgodMrSpoonicornGHOSTBONESA_JahhWeedCoffin
  • mattytalks
      MattyTalks @mattytalks

    Girl are you a University of Phoenix degree because I'm pursuing you online and from my couch

    • 2,798
    • FAVS
    dmit_rysLiz_HeeshhomodachigfitzptonybalognajordantheleastdeceJimboleem
    • 1,602
    • RETWEETS
    ClaytonFinkeLivingstonFrosttonybalognamarissa_lwmclayjohnsonDrewLogcoreygarryachawksfan
    robfeevenomjunkie2
  • mattytalks
      MattyTalks @mattytalks

    Twitter isn't about followers you guys it's about retreating so deeply into your web persona that you alienate everyone who ever loved you

    • 2,115
    • FAVS
    JimboleemwankcityMikeHornickthejodiestflufferfishBASTIAN________brubinowTelehoIic
    • 1,496
    • RETWEETS
    favstar_historythemostbrianjgoody13swagmobile5000buttplayennuiRyanCordell4322raymondtwmudtipson
    DryDickRandoWeeabooGenocide__WarmCigarette_
  • mattytalks
      MattyTalks @mattytalks

    Tyler the Creator changes his name to Tyler the Job Creator and is instantly #2 in the republican polls until they realize that he is black

    • 1,617
    • FAVS
    stretchyXcheezenosidaMurrayErinrecklessStetzAndTheCityTwoRsTwoLsGreg_BeariousMickSnarkRoryMaybe
    • 1,361
    • RETWEETS
    stretchyXcheezeGreg_Beariousrobbinthe860BigMikeInAustinshybonerscaaesurathepopenoeslovakat
    Youriquadrewtoothpastedudehugs
  • mattytalks
      MattyTalks @mattytalks

    Actually Jennifer, diamonds are a girls best friend, so technically I slept with your second best friend

    • 3,590
    • FAVS
    richey11JimboleemwankcitycarlykenNathBaughwerehedgehogMDaniel21ImTheJerBear
    • 1,255
    • RETWEETS
    Taylor__LandonCarolineGillberkatielorenaaLoveMeDead09SabrinaFeasteriwearaonesiewatermelonmeatflufferfish
    WildeThingyradtoria
  • mattytalks
      MattyTalks @mattytalks

    I've got to say this John Wilkes Photo Booth takes amazing Headshots

    • 2,021
    • FAVS
    codyallan7ericaburt_Kneeashleynicccrethan_yeoVALKYRIES_MUSICibleedteal48JacobRhines
    • 1,249
    • RETWEETS
    codyallan7AdairyQueentaynash10_mikehartland_KneeCashmere_Slothibleedteal48felixcartal
    EndhooSSaxMouseadamrenschnice_mustard
  • mattytalks
      MattyTalks @mattytalks

    Horton Hears Voices but doesn't have access to affordable mental healthcare so he will likely end up committing a violent crime #SadDrSeuss

    • 935
    • FAVS
    JimboleemZane_StephensWhoopdeedoo22Halexander916flufferfishgefiltecatSteveDutzythesh0ck3r
    • 1,232
    • RETWEETS
    mdjacksondallasgefiltecatqueeflatina8000EarlSundayangryl0lrustylermcjunkin26conrcrussellroyalty
  • mattytalks
      MattyTalks @mattytalks

    I just met you/And this is Swayze/But there's a corner/It's not for Baby

    • 1,360
    • FAVS
    Zane_StephensWhoopdeedoo222uesdaysgoneagentkyleandylevyGeorgeEvans_DancesWithTamisWildeThingy
    • 1,196
    • RETWEETS
    julesnbjulienbobbofullGeorgeEvans_Shay_GriffithPetPinkElephantDryDickRandoadamrenschgefiltecat
    PetPinkElephantburgerkrangpartiallyproCognitive_DissBeeStapler
  • mattytalks
      MattyTalks @mattytalks

    Girl did it hurt when you fell from heaven? No, cool. Then let's talk about who's going to pay for my fucking roof

    • 2,008
    • FAVS
    JimboleemwankcityiwearaonesieWhoopdeedoo22mdicarloGeorgeEvans_quintywintiesthesh0ck3r
    • 1,155
    • RETWEETS
    Jenny4ashleyPetPinkElephantgefiltecatColl_CareyJRobotLordAgCl3Cu2ethansmalleyevanlannister
    havingafatdaymountainlexdrugleaf
  • mattytalks
      MattyTalks @mattytalks

    I love libertarianism because it combines the "don't tell me what to do" attitude of a teen with economic understanding of a child

    • 1,902
    • FAVS
    gunnargrwankcitycoreygarryWhoopdeedoo222uesdaysgonemj_clvrkbenonymousssASAPBullwinkle
    • 1,152
    • RETWEETS
    renegadeDAZeppoWilburySteveDutzyyohanperssonAndersBergqsecuritymakerSoulseller42kulelefant
    SteveDutzy
  • mattytalks
      MattyTalks @mattytalks

    Do you guys want me to do a psychic trick for you? Think of something,think really hard don't tell me what it is.Ok Ready? I Fucking Hate it

    • 1,974
    • FAVS
    allthingspoeticHumor_FetishDahFahQusayOConnorWattspaulesquirepalesurpriserobbygotshallSTOPALLTHEDLING
    • 1,004
    • RETWEETS
    DahFahQusaybrododendronreTICKulousScrumpleToshvahjackman_ochskierstinannaAndrewBrauer
    Benesh_shruglordcrushingbortcollegebenPajamaBen_WeedCoffindinogorecharMANdorkKMdhc
  • mattytalks
      MattyTalks @mattytalks

    If you don't have empathy then discretion is a good alternative

    • 1,142
    • FAVS
    ineveningair13Whoopdeedoo22defnottoriALL6SENSESY3W_TREEizzynastasiabuttplayennuisurf_goth
    • 995
    • RETWEETS
    tylermcjunkin26slogsdonGerryMarkNortonmacplarrALL6SENSESY3W_TREEsophsweencolorswizard
    davedittell
  • mattytalks
      MattyTalks @mattytalks

    What idiot called them funerals instead of Tragic:The Gathering

    • 1,601
    • FAVS
    RenegadeAssManw0davery_ringhippieswordfishJake_SniffWhoopdeedoo22BASTIAN________DirtOne
    • 880
    • RETWEETS
    themackernDMightonJake_Sniffheavykrishna_tecnolerosxydangerousgrlSteveDutzyGruberama
    jonnysunHome_Halfway101Racey
  • mattytalks
      MattyTalks @mattytalks

    #SignsSheWantsTheD she did the bare minimum required to pass but her paper lacked creativity and original ideas

    • 1,079
    • FAVS
    gefiltecatTelehoIicthesh0ck3rsimonherzogKcone_connorbell714BramptonBartmanoffthemarktweet
    • 847
    • RETWEETS
    gefiltecatcameronsadlerSKZakVansantcJunior__iiivyy_leagueaillicimod_25JoshPetersen7
    winnersusedrugs
  • mattytalks
      MattyTalks @mattytalks

    I have a rare muscle disease that causes my hands to write racist things that I don't remember later. The Doctor is calling it Ron Palsy

    • 779
    • FAVS
    DinosaurWighotsincealdrigDoubleRinNKYMattStockman4MCFCFloresCherylAFeliceClassicRotDaveKaps
    • 800
    • RETWEETS
    SenorNiceGuyMattStockman4DianaDeVito1bakinggoodYourProtagonistgracecoexistIanNievesSarahSecord__
    wankcity
  • mattytalks
      MattyTalks @mattytalks

    A very busty woman whispers to me "I want you to tell me if these look real" my eyes widen, then she takes out pictures of the moon landing

    • 1,693
    • FAVS
    DrewLogjackschod13HSCunninghammattvangrouwGreg_BeariousbloodydantasticZachPefustercluckk
    • 761
    • RETWEETS
    mat_perryJackGilliam69DirtyHarryBDPakistanIdleajyasgarbblazer24MiniVanMercyanticargoshorts
  • mattytalks
      MattyTalks @mattytalks

    If you see a bunch of gay lions in a field do not yell "Oh look a gay pride meeting" because they won't laugh & will seriously eat you

    • 1,134
    • FAVS
    GrowlyGregojenlaw_11DrunkCaligulaAmwh23simonherzogNotJEvanCurryHardieCourtneyjensynr
    • 751
    • RETWEETS
    gefiltecatTotal_BadasszackfillionSam__Williamssnow_vanMrGetHappyangryl0lrusconstantlyjosh
    dinogoreSadnessSauce______OConnellComedyregislRideOrDiePudge
@mattytalks

@mattytalks

A Hooker with a Heart of Gold