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  • mattytalks
      MattyTalks @mattytalks

    Why are they called territorial disputes and not ground beef

    • 3,414
    • FAVS
    anna_megerryanneetrvrplkjoe_crozierConstantlyjoshAbusitronrachwilhiteMattTaylor
    • 2,234
    • RETWEETS
    vespertinasDMightontheshaywontheLewisbellkatesacSullivanBrandMyNameIsRaganfrance_xiii
    DanielRCarrillobloptPeachCoffinLeeMifsudOhNoSheTwitnt
  • mattytalks
      MattyTalks @mattytalks

    My mom found out that I was smoking the weed and she told me to "pack my bags" LOL it's called a bowl mom and it's already packed

    • 2,928
    • FAVS
    ryanneeShelonkaTheTexas_BelleHalf_QuixotictheNotoriousPBDchealeasea______YelixFearsomeFutch
    • 1,595
    • RETWEETS
    patchak21raverinserepeatmanooogianweird_vibesMelArmstrong89Cudo3summerofbenny5instarr
    OhNoSheTwitntLeeMifsudGoodNapsHelenHuntitisvasedgodMrSpoonicornGHOSTBONESA_JahhWeedCoffin
  • mattytalks
      MattyTalks @mattytalks

    Ladies call me Subway because I've got low quality meat and lie about being 6 inches

    • 2,542
    • FAVS
    SonofConwayryanneefontosaurusRoyL96dianasofflinehug__thiefElephantQueeeensixthistle
    • 1,495
    • RETWEETS
    fontosaurusmortonrxchchillalienSamNotSamuel_pocahonttitsmarisaeatonideawhoreRyDeFeo
    Mike_BianchiABurgerADaySecks_manAceMakesWordsRistolableKyle_LippertrobdelaneyGimpySunshine____
  • mattytalks
      MattyTalks @mattytalks

    Twitter isn't about followers you guys it's about retreating so deeply into your web persona that you alienate everyone who ever loved you

    • 2,007
    • FAVS
    tabitha_lehmanZeroDecorumahillsamerAndyunderscoreDGrapefruitJoyDfr247Pat_NobleShermStickMigz
    • 1,458
    • RETWEETS
    kmart93patchak21tabitha_lehmanAndyunderscoreDRednckTruckrHatPat_Noblesreeves9DeusExJuice
    gentilecoontWeeabooGenocide__WarmCigarette
  • mattytalks
      MattyTalks @mattytalks

    Tyler the Creator changes his name to Tyler the Job Creator and is instantly #2 in the republican polls until they realize that he is black

    • 1,477
    • FAVS
    dj_mosfettryanneeJulianSThreetgoldengateblondtheycallmejwow_el_sid_Sasha_The_HumanJoshRosenfield
    • 1,301
    • RETWEETS
    patchak21france_xiii_el_sid_Sasha_The_HumanCamera_AngelborisnorrisSenorNiceGuythwphipps
    Youriquadrewtoothpastedudehugs
  • mattytalks
      MattyTalks @mattytalks

    Horton Hears Voices but doesn't have access to affordable mental healthcare so he will likely end up committing a violent crime #SadDrSeuss

    • 920
    • FAVS
    theycallmejwowfrance_xiiiLucas_GardnertomathummermrozekyjoflorescSecks_manjohnboybails
    • 1,229
    • RETWEETS
    tylermcjunkin26conrchugsnotdrugs910TheBigElekktron__QueenofTacos_SjK_ughcoffeeDinosaurWig
  • mattytalks
      MattyTalks @mattytalks

    I just met you/And this is Swayze/But there's a corner/It's not for Baby

    • 1,292
    • FAVS
    ryanneeDipxsssgoldengateblonddisnazziotomathummerSecks_manMikeTysonVEVOBig_Daddy_Simsy
    • 1,175
    • RETWEETS
    notreallyPBDipxssskiphamptonsycobunyNateDouglas81GouldinhoT_r_eapostrophekorch
    burgerkrangpartiallyproCognitive_DissBeeStapler
  • mattytalks
      MattyTalks @mattytalks

    I've got to say this John Wilkes Photo Booth takes amazing Headshots

    • 1,859
    • FAVS
    Mbenson66NickCrispiipodselfieJerseyKevinbeethetrannycj_wheattheguttagAuteur69
    • 1,174
    • RETWEETS
    JohnSpencer81DecentlydaveNickCrispiJerseyKevinbeethetrannyrein_dPoguePhilosophyactual_tsar
    EndhooSSaxMouseadamrenschnice_mustard
  • mattytalks
      MattyTalks @mattytalks

    Girl did it hurt when you fell from heaven? No, cool. Then let's talk about who's going to pay for my fucking roof

    • 1,964
    • FAVS
    ringoo23MapowangelicaamoonswinesoupNeerovrarockhardabbyellerollandcoreyNorford
    • 1,149
    • RETWEETS
    AnthonyMustachereal_lamp_shadyFaggotCrossingJesstroyahippyballerWitmerEricbeetlebonderKennyPotter
    havingafatdaymountainlexdrugleaf
  • mattytalks
      MattyTalks @mattytalks

    Do you guys want me to do a psychic trick for you? Think of something,think really hard don't tell me what it is.Ok Ready? I Fucking Hate it

    • 1,817
    • FAVS
    NickCrispimycoolpensRobbieWard8thebearforestMikoMitchSpectralGazerwhiskeyghostsyourcatastrophy
    • 942
    • RETWEETS
    yoWTFbrahJoshporterfieldTrickIXgillianlamecoolgothsweatersemperfugitauntsnusnujsscnln
    badtweetingshruglordcrushingbortImFordToughPajamaBen_WeedCoffindinogorecharMANdorkKMdhc
  • mattytalks
      MattyTalks @mattytalks

    If you don't have empathy then discretion is a good alternative

    • 954
    • FAVS
    carubagoldengateblondtheycallmejwowJohnklugjrfrance_xiiichrisjooniorLucas_Gardner1tudore
    • 938
    • RETWEETS
    france_xiiithe10riginalMrJamesCharismaAkshon_BastardslegaseyJoshwa_HallMikLynneannwinery
    davedittell
  • mattytalks
      MattyTalks @mattytalks

    What idiot called them funerals instead of Tragic:The Gathering

    • 1,583
    • FAVS
    ryanneeMaxOfS2Dhug__thiefchillalienLargeCloudthenoirguyyung_fluidityabcstarry
    • 872
    • RETWEETS
    chillalienhannahisapunkideawhorehooptieparadefrance_xiiiPadrinoTragicotomathummerTandyRayes
    jonnysunHome_Halfway101Racey
  • mattytalks
      MattyTalks @mattytalks

    Girl are you a University of Phoenix degree because I'm pursuing you online and from my couch

    • 1,361
    • FAVS
    ryanneelowtech42goldengateblondJenkemLover420theycallmejwowchrisjooniortoneill92helmsinki
    • 862
    • RETWEETS
    france_xiiisieya_revisJakeTurnerisRadBoBoArnztheoneseanmarjorieshearerreuefnebboytiers
    venomjunkie2
  • mattytalks
      MattyTalks @mattytalks

    #SignsSheWantsTheD she did the bare minimum required to pass but her paper lacked creativity and original ideas

    • 1,044
    • FAVS
    theycallmejwowfrance_xiiiTijerasVerdes_blue_travelerLethalLabiaColinWolfe91DinosaurWigtomathummer
    • 827
    • RETWEETS
    france_xiiiMurderDeathHugheySMMSenorNiceGuyColinWolfe91tomathummerCraigurritojemwoww
    winnersusedrugs
  • mattytalks
      MattyTalks @mattytalks

    I have a rare muscle disease that causes my hands to write racist things that I don't remember later. The Doctor is calling it Ron Palsy

    • 779
    • FAVS
    DinosaurWigtomathummerDoubleRinNKYMattStockman4joflorescCherylAFeliceClassicRotDaveKaps
    • 800
    • RETWEETS
    SenorNiceGuyMattStockman4DianaDeVito1bakinggoodYourProtagonistgracecoexistIanNievesSarahSecord
    wankcity
  • mattytalks
      MattyTalks @mattytalks

    If you see a bunch of gay lions in a field do not yell "Oh look a gay pride meeting" because they won't laugh & will seriously eat you

    • 1,116
    • FAVS
    NickCrispiConstantlyjoshgoldengateblondtheycallmejwowtomathummerkmart808NoTheOtherJohnfreeringpops
    • 744
    • RETWEETS
    ConstantlyjoshMMaielliRagingPulpNoTheOtherJohnrealak47dz0mePleopleo3SuperIncreible
    dinogoreSadnessSauce______OConnellComedyregislRideOrDiePudge
  • mattytalks
      MattyTalks @mattytalks

    Ladies call me the Music Industry because I peaked in the 90's , can't handle change and want to harass you on the Internet

    • 896
    • FAVS
    theycallmejwowfrance_xiiihumpnotestomathummerBonerz4LyfeemptylakesSleepyBlossomsellar_door
    • 689
    • RETWEETS
    humpnotesSenorNiceGuyTJL_247Germs33shaneheyworthDanielKasshupaulrharvey3BravesGasm
    Brianhopecomedy
  • mattytalks
      MattyTalks @mattytalks

    Thanks to Obamacare my son has been formally diagnosed as a gamer and we can finally afford the Mountain Dew he needs to stay alive

    • 1,307
    • FAVS
    boobysimmonspuppiedogsqJulieFFronseeEvanJakojamesjhamiltonbasktballsarahWarOfFreedomloveshadows_
    • 686
    • RETWEETS
    boobysimmonsallyson_watsonDonnieSweegoThe_John_WilsonpippinNurse_Alex_HThorraxeFitzTML
  • mattytalks
      MattyTalks @mattytalks

    Twitter is not for changing people, it's for using comedy to make girls slightly out of your league fall in love with you.

    • 1,167
    • FAVS
    ConstantlyjoshLIsOwnBroWasMeeeeeScottmanSupremeHolidayTormentbirdcardiganChic_Angeliquelilooet
    • 670
    • RETWEETS
    TinnocentBoyThatGuyShanalame_irlOwenRaynesgsodohShanusMcAnusJustinGideon_Ghetto_Trophy
    hella_brad
  • mattytalks
      MattyTalks @mattytalks

    Ladies call me the Joe Paterno statue because I'm in bad taste,I weigh 1000's of pounds and have been forcibly removed from a college campus

    • 1,260
    • FAVS
    JeffMcDevNowYouSeeHerHamboneKRHwash_clothcammmertimeDadDickBirdtheycallmejwowtheseknives
    • 657
    • RETWEETS
    NKokikoTheBigGloomHarpoGarzafrance_xiiialrightalrightSpaceman_Spiff1realdragoniteConnerswanton
    lawblob
@mattytalks

@mattytalks

A Hooker with a Heart of Gold