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  • mattytalks
      MattyTalks @mattytalks

    Ladies call me Subway because I've got low quality meat and lie about being 6 inches

    • 4,979
    • FAVS
    dblpunchafertilegroundwhatthemelleJ_Goodwinz128amletqin_deutschbag_BadNewsCentral
    • 2,636
    • RETWEETS
    alex__cloutierMcTangleteehermscharlesromulusDeathbyPropofolCaptSpatchcockRick_IZdavidfaciane
    DanMentosMike_BianchiABurgerADaySecks_manAceMakesWordsRistolableKyle_LippertrobdelaneyGimpySunshine____
  • mattytalks
      MattyTalks @mattytalks

    RT @me_irl: Are you a "Nice Guy" frustrated with women bc they wont have sex with you? Tip: Fuck you. The world doesnt owe you shit and you…

    • 2,635
    • RETWEETS
    Avatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48
  • mattytalks
      MattyTalks @mattytalks

    Why are they called territorial disputes and not ground beef

    • 3,919
    • FAVS
    coreygarryzolofighterjoek37georgeupperGOOSEFreemanJB4RealzTuckKarnesMattWilmers
    • 2,574
    • RETWEETS
    Zane_StephensGOOSEFreemanMattWilmersmarvelleylizaniiqua81jono81secretcorndogsean_purcell4
    DanielRCarrillobloptPeachCoffinLeeMifsudOhNoSheTwitnt
  • mattytalks
      MattyTalks @mattytalks

    My mom found out that I was smoking the weed and she told me to "pack my bags" LOL it's called a bowl mom and it's already packed

    • 3,235
    • FAVS
    coreygarryaka_fatmanthejodiest2uesdaysgonezolofighterjoek37white7999chrishoweareyou
    • 1,724
    • RETWEETS
    DancesWithTamisGeorgeEvans_ShadyismyanchorshmeelzwombstoneJSmokeHasNoTwtrinnermansionsmarisacollette
    Jenny4ashleyCameron_SladeOhNoSheTwitntLeeMifsudGoodNapsfanofhellvasedgodMrSpoonicornGHOSTBONESA_JahhWeedCoffin
  • mattytalks
      MattyTalks @mattytalks

    Girl are you a University of Phoenix degree because I'm pursuing you online and from my couch

    • 2,796
    • FAVS
    Whoopdeedoo22jccampbell892uesdaysgonehollabuggIAmKatieOrrLTundertheseaSpikeAsPimpVicFuture
    • 1,601
    • RETWEETS
    coreygarryachawksfanA_gligstriplexgroovySpikeAsPimpVicFutureSickayduhhannmart
    robfeevenomjunkie2
  • mattytalks
      MattyTalks @mattytalks

    Twitter isn't about followers you guys it's about retreating so deeply into your web persona that you alienate everyone who ever loved you

    • 2,113
    • FAVS
    MikeHornickthejodiestflufferfishBASTIAN________brubinowTelehoIicquintywintiesDancesWithTamis
    • 1,496
    • RETWEETS
    favstar_historythemostbrianjgoody13swagmobile5000buttplayennuiRyanCordell4322raymondtwmudtipson
    inadumpsterWeeabooGenocide__DamnCigarette
  • mattytalks
      MattyTalks @mattytalks

    Tyler the Creator changes his name to Tyler the Job Creator and is instantly #2 in the republican polls until they realize that he is black

    • 1,608
    • FAVS
    YaBoyKlinkWhoopdeedoo22_Jkriegsthreejay13joek37NickCrispiregrettumSouthDak0ta
    • 1,359
    • RETWEETS
    robbinthe860BigMikeInAustinSketchySpicecaaesurathepopenoeslovakat_k4iwombstone
    Youriquadrewtoothpastedudehugs
  • mattytalks
      MattyTalks @mattytalks

    Actually Jennifer, diamonds are a girls best friend, so technically I slept with your second best friend

    • 3,582
    • FAVS
    RuseMoosecoreygarry2uesdaysgoneLordagdamagCopperheadSammihougduskUrplePingoflufferfish
    • 1,253
    • RETWEETS
    flufferfishbitezolofighterGOOSEFreemandenver_mccallisonsaikon_00_bradioactDEV
    WildeThingyradtoria
  • mattytalks
      MattyTalks @mattytalks

    I've got to say this John Wilkes Photo Booth takes amazing Headshots

    • 2,004
    • FAVS
    coreygarryaka_fatmanflufferfishFunniestEverGOOSEFreemanktorgentTelehoIicScottyHoffman
    • 1,247
    • RETWEETS
    FunniestEverGOOSEFreemanXPeter7cameronsadlerScottyHoffmanSabrinaFeasterwest_coltonacaamp
    EndhooSSaxMouseadamrenschnice_mustard
  • mattytalks
      MattyTalks @mattytalks

    Horton Hears Voices but doesn't have access to affordable mental healthcare so he will likely end up committing a violent crime #SadDrSeuss

    • 934
    • FAVS
    Zane_StephensWhoopdeedoo22Halexander916flufferfishgefiltecatSteveDutzythesh0ck3rbrianAoconnor
    • 1,232
    • RETWEETS
    mdjacksondallasgefiltecatqueeflatina8000EarlSundayangryl0lrustylermcjunkin26conrcRussRoyalty
  • mattytalks
      MattyTalks @mattytalks

    I just met you/And this is Swayze/But there's a corner/It's not for Baby

    • 1,360
    • FAVS
    Zane_StephensWhoopdeedoo222uesdaysgoneagentkyleandylevyGeorgeEvans_DancesWithTamisWildeThingy
    • 1,196
    • RETWEETS
    julesnbjulienbobbofullGeorgeEvans_Shay_GriffithPetPinkElephantinadumpsteradamrenschgefiltecat
    PetPinkElephantburgerkrangpartiallyproCognitive_DissBeeStapler
  • mattytalks
      MattyTalks @mattytalks

    Girl did it hurt when you fell from heaven? No, cool. Then let's talk about who's going to pay for my fucking roof

    • 2,005
    • FAVS
    Whoopdeedoo22mdicarloGeorgeEvans_quintywintiesthesh0ck3rHollyMemphisReeDickeyRealFrankLarkin
    • 1,155
    • RETWEETS
    Jenny4ashleyPetPinkElephantgefiltecatColl_CareyJRobotLordAgCl3Cu2ethansmalleyevanlannister
    havingafatdaymountainlexdrugleaf
  • mattytalks
      MattyTalks @mattytalks

    I love libertarianism because it combines the "don't tell me what to do" attitude of a teen with economic understanding of a child

    • 1,901
    • FAVS
    coreygarryWhoopdeedoo222uesdaysgonemj_clvrkbenonymousssASAPBullwinkleDouchetoevskymatthewpsoucie
    • 1,152
    • RETWEETS
    renegadeDAZeppoWilburySteveDutzyyohanperssonAndersBergqsecuritymakerSoulseller42kulelefant
    SteveDutzy
  • mattytalks
      MattyTalks @mattytalks

    If you don't have empathy then discretion is a good alternative

    • 1,142
    • FAVS
    Whoopdeedoo22defnottoriALL6SENSESY3W_TREEIzzyNastasiabuttplayennuisurf_gothPihk77
    • 995
    • RETWEETS
    tylermcjunkin26slogsdonGerryMarkNortonmacplarrALL6SENSESY3W_TREEsophsweencolorswizard
    davedittell
  • mattytalks
      MattyTalks @mattytalks

    Do you guys want me to do a psychic trick for you? Think of something,think really hard don't tell me what it is.Ok Ready? I Fucking Hate it

    • 1,925
    • FAVS
    postboodenSKUL_newsfeedSilasEganFloresIsabella7rav43535ColgelGYtFiendshefshef19
    • 990
    • RETWEETS
    thejodiestSKUL_newsfeedmujahidsunitehottubpeechrisjooniorHellaUnithisisntsaralol_ardeej
    Benesh_shruglordcrushingbortcollegebenPajamaBen_WeedCoffindinogorecharMANdorkKMdhc
  • mattytalks
      MattyTalks @mattytalks

    What idiot called them funerals instead of Tragic:The Gathering

    • 1,600
    • FAVS
    avery_ringhippieswordfishJake_SniffWhoopdeedoo22BASTIAN________DirtOneheavykrishna_HubrisHatin
    • 879
    • RETWEETS
    Jake_Sniffheavykrishna_tecnoleroSarcastiousSteveDutzyGruberamaRoryMarinichEarlSunday
    jonnysunHome_Halfway101Racey
  • mattytalks
      MattyTalks @mattytalks

    #SignsSheWantsTheD she did the bare minimum required to pass but her paper lacked creativity and original ideas

    • 1,079
    • FAVS
    gefiltecatTelehoIicthesh0ck3rsimonherzogKcone_connorbell714BramptonBartmanoffthemarktweet
    • 847
    • RETWEETS
    gefiltecatcameronsadlerSKZakVansantcJunior__iiivyy_leagueaillicimod_25JoshPetersen7
    winnersusedrugs
  • mattytalks
      MattyTalks @mattytalks

    I have a rare muscle disease that causes my hands to write racist things that I don't remember later. The Doctor is calling it Ron Palsy

    • 779
    • FAVS
    DinosaurWighotsincealdrigDoubleRinNKYMattStockman4MCFCFloresCherylAFeliceClassicRotDaveKaps
    • 800
    • RETWEETS
    SenorNiceGuyMattStockman4DianaDeVito1bakinggoodYourProtagonistgracecoexistIanNievesSarahSecord
    wankcity
  • mattytalks
      MattyTalks @mattytalks

    If you see a bunch of gay lions in a field do not yell "Oh look a gay pride meeting" because they won't laugh & will seriously eat you

    • 1,134
    • FAVS
    GrowlyGregojenlaw_11DrunkCaligulaAmwh23simonherzogNotJEvanCurryHardieCourtneyjensynr
    • 751
    • RETWEETS
    gefiltecatTotal_BadasszackfillionSam__Williamssnow_vanMrGetHappyangryl0lrusconstantlyjosh
    dinogoreSadnessSauce______OConnellComedyregislRideOrDiePudge
  • mattytalks
      MattyTalks @mattytalks

    Twitter is not for changing people, it's for using comedy to make girls slightly out of your league fall in love with you.

    • 1,354
    • FAVS
    thejodiestWhoopdeedoo22defnottoriLeGates_Kyle_VanBramerNickCrispiSmilee306wittwitbarista
    • 742
    • RETWEETS
    MossSaccomannotylermcjunkin26LeGates_XC_PizzaGuyJohnSpencer81NickCrispiSteveDutzyJWally33
    hella_brad
@mattytalks

@mattytalks

A Hooker with a Heart of Gold