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  • mattytalks
      MattyTalks @mattytalks

    Ladies call me Subway because I've got low quality meat and lie about being 6 inches

    • 4,971
    • FAVS
    patriceflaccoOldGingerBallsJuliaarolesNoraPMKEquintywintiesDancesWithTamisTheMongoose69ZBC21093
    • 2,633
    • RETWEETS
    SamuraiChineXcraigmvalentinepappyabsguysMoist_Makerdef_whiteMcDaniel1022phaather2ExScholar
    DanMentosMike_BianchiABurgerADaySecks_manAceMakesWordsRistolableKyle_LippertrobdelaneyGimpySunshine____
  • mattytalks
      MattyTalks @mattytalks

    Why are they called territorial disputes and not ground beef

    • 3,914
    • FAVS
    TuckKarnesMattWilmersTannahHenneyuseyourtanukiDancesWithTamisgabberwabbers21toad_eyesTelehoIic
    • 2,572
    • RETWEETS
    MattWilmersmarvelleylizaniiqua81jono81secretcorndogsean_purcell4Marc_The_Marvellexiskis
    DanielRCarrillobloptPeachCoffinLeeMifsudOhNoSheTwitnt
  • mattytalks
      MattyTalks @mattytalks

    My mom found out that I was smoking the weed and she told me to "pack my bags" LOL it's called a bowl mom and it's already packed

    • 3,229
    • FAVS
    white7999chrishoweareyouTelehoIicpaxtypoo2HOLT2HANDLEGeorgeEvans_McCant_EvenBlazeShepard
    • 1,724
    • RETWEETS
    DancesWithTamisGeorgeEvans_ShadyismyanchorshmeelzwombstoneJSmokeHasNoTwtrinnermansionsmarisacollette
    Jenny4ashleyCameron_SladeOhNoSheTwitntLeeMifsudGoodNapsfanofhellvasedgodMrSpoonicornGHOSTBONESA_JahhWeedCoffin
  • mattytalks
      MattyTalks @mattytalks

    Girl are you a University of Phoenix degree because I'm pursuing you online and from my couch

    • 2,784
    • FAVS
    mistergibsonDancesWithTamisTelehoIicmanic_mermaidSiracideXIIItyler_cramMissMeganAmberdaniel_frijoles
    • 1,592
    • RETWEETS
    iancrosssOwenEffmanic_mermaidmollymeesSprinkleTurnUpAdeZhodefoxesandlattesprincesslisa20
    robfeevenomjunkie2
  • mattytalks
      MattyTalks @mattytalks

    Twitter isn't about followers you guys it's about retreating so deeply into your web persona that you alienate everyone who ever loved you

    • 2,108
    • FAVS
    TelehoIicquintywintiesDancesWithTamisthemostbrianEarlSundayjgoody13DrunkCaligulaGracefulFlail
    • 1,496
    • RETWEETS
    favstar_historythemostbrianjgoody13swagmobile5000GracefulFlailRyanCordell4322raymondtwmudtipson
    inadumpsterWeeabooGenocide__FreshCigarette
  • mattytalks
      MattyTalks @mattytalks

    Tyler the Creator changes his name to Tyler the Job Creator and is instantly #2 in the republican polls until they realize that he is black

    • 1,603
    • FAVS
    NickCrispiregrettumSouthDak0taFuckQueuecareersingovSketchySpiceTelehoIictaylorformal
    • 1,358
    • RETWEETS
    BigMikeInAustinSketchySpicecaaesurathepopenoeslovakat_k4iwombstoneEricDidHisBest
    Youriquadrewtoothpastedudehugs
  • mattytalks
      MattyTalks @mattytalks

    Actually Jennifer, diamonds are a girls best friend, so technically I slept with your second best friend

    • 3,563
    • FAVS
    Adammmarshallparkerconnellglittercat69thecrabbyhookwawawaWallaceGeroncio86legantrahKnincahzuhe
    • 1,245
    • RETWEETS
    radioactDEVAdammmarshallshellac_attackLaurenSimoKoolJoefroyoCameronAnnCadeNayrEnolsglittercat69
    WildeThingyradtoria
  • mattytalks
      MattyTalks @mattytalks

    I've got to say this John Wilkes Photo Booth takes amazing Headshots

    • 1,999
    • FAVS
    ktorgentTelehoIicScottyHoffmanSabrinaFeasterthesh0ck3rErik_AllenKatFarringtonhamptonend
    • 1,245
    • RETWEETS
    XPeter7cameronsadlerScottyHoffmanSabrinaFeasterwest_coltonwawbotJessica_FalkeSpencerFos22
    EndhooSSaxMouseadamrenschnice_mustard
  • mattytalks
      MattyTalks @mattytalks

    Horton Hears Voices but doesn't have access to affordable mental healthcare so he will likely end up committing a violent crime #SadDrSeuss

    • 931
    • FAVS
    gefiltecatSteveDutzythesh0ck3rbrianAoconnorPetPinkElephantnishadtrivedimichael_carter2PoguePhilosophy
    • 1,232
    • RETWEETS
    mdjacksondallasgefiltecatqueeflatina8000EarlSundayangryl0lrustylermcjunkin26conrcRussellAdams00
  • mattytalks
      MattyTalks @mattytalks

    I just met you/And this is Swayze/But there's a corner/It's not for Baby

    • 1,357
    • FAVS
    agentkyleandylevyGeorgeEvans_DancesWithTamisWildeThingyschweppyjane_botbrianAoconnor
    • 1,196
    • RETWEETS
    julesnbjulienbobbofullGeorgeEvans_Shay_GriffithPetPinkElephantinadumpsteradamrenschgefiltecat
    PetPinkElephantburgerkrangpartiallyproCognitive_DissBeeStapler
  • mattytalks
      MattyTalks @mattytalks

    Girl did it hurt when you fell from heaven? No, cool. Then let's talk about who's going to pay for my fucking roof

    • 2,003
    • FAVS
    GeorgeEvans_quintywintiesthesh0ck3rHollyMemphisReeDickeyRealFrankLarkinjane_botmo_vitaluna
    • 1,155
    • RETWEETS
    Jenny4ashleyPetPinkElephantgefiltecatColl_CareyJRobotLordAgCl3Cu2ethansmalleyevanlannister
    havingafatdaymountainlexdrugleaf
  • mattytalks
      MattyTalks @mattytalks

    I love libertarianism because it combines the "don't tell me what to do" attitude of a teen with economic understanding of a child

    • 1,896
    • FAVS
    matthewpsoucieagentkylelexandersongwarrenhenningchastellMythicPicnickmmXIIIDarthXavier
    • 1,150
    • RETWEETS
    SteveDutzyyohanperssonAndersBergqsecuritymakerSoulseller42kulelefantvalgeirssonLalander
    SteveDutzy
  • mattytalks
      MattyTalks @mattytalks

    Do you guys want me to do a psychic trick for you? Think of something,think really hard don't tell me what it is.Ok Ready? I Fucking Hate it

    • 1,925
    • FAVS
    SKUL_newsfeedSilasEganFloresIsabella7rav43535ColgelG_Jakeezyshefshef19TalesOfEndiron
    • 989
    • RETWEETS
    SKUL_newsfeedmujahidsunitehottubpeechrisjooniorHellaUnithisisntsaralol_ardeejpizzatrash
    Benesh_shruglordcrushingbortcollegebenPajamaBen_WeedCoffindinogorecharMANdorkKMdhc
  • mattytalks
      MattyTalks @mattytalks

    If you don't have empathy then discretion is a good alternative

    • 1,017
    • FAVS
    thedaelawarrenhenningEricBritoAbano416LetdownLizziet3chn0f4nNaomiSagerBrandonBlythe5
    • 943
    • RETWEETS
    cameronsadlerLetdownLizzie_in_a_fieldShannonMullayTwicketfacehannah_carey123brianogedahArifADS
    davedittell
  • mattytalks
      MattyTalks @mattytalks

    What idiot called them funerals instead of Tragic:The Gathering

    • 1,597
    • FAVS
    DirtOneheavykrishna_HubrisHatincloudypianosSarcastiousDarthXavierSteveDutzyTelehoIic
    • 878
    • RETWEETS
    heavykrishna_tecnoleroSarcastiousSteveDutzyGruberamaRoryMarinichEarlSundaysimonherzog
    jonnysunHome_Halfway101Racey
  • mattytalks
      MattyTalks @mattytalks

    #SignsSheWantsTheD she did the bare minimum required to pass but her paper lacked creativity and original ideas

    • 1,079
    • FAVS
    gefiltecatTelehoIicthesh0ck3rsimonherzogKcone_connorbell714BramptonBartmanoffthemarktweet
    • 847
    • RETWEETS
    gefiltecatcameronsadlerSKZakVansantcJunior__iiivyy_leagueaillicimod_25JoshPetersen7
    winnersusedrugs
  • mattytalks
      MattyTalks @mattytalks

    I have a rare muscle disease that causes my hands to write racist things that I don't remember later. The Doctor is calling it Ron Palsy

    • 779
    • FAVS
    DinosaurWighotsincealdrigDoubleRinNKYMattStockman4MCFCFloresCherylAFeliceClassicRotDaveKaps
    • 800
    • RETWEETS
    SenorNiceGuyMattStockman4DianaDeVito1bakinggoodYourProtagonistgracecoexistIanNievesSarahSecord
    wankcity
  • mattytalks
      MattyTalks @mattytalks

    If you see a bunch of gay lions in a field do not yell "Oh look a gay pride meeting" because they won't laugh & will seriously eat you

    • 1,134
    • FAVS
    GrowlyGregojenlaw_11DrunkCaligulaAmwh23simonherzogNotJEvanCurryHardieCourtneyjensynr
    • 751
    • RETWEETS
    gefiltecatTotal_BadasszackfillionSam__Williamssnow_vanMrGetHappyangryl0lrusconstantlyjosh
    dinogoreSadnessSauce______OConnellComedyregislRideOrDiePudge
  • mattytalks
      MattyTalks @mattytalks

    Twitter is not for changing people, it's for using comedy to make girls slightly out of your league fall in love with you.

    • 1,352
    • FAVS
    Kyle_VanBramerNickCrispiSmilee306wittwitbaristapunmagnateSteveDutzyDancesWithTamisCircus_Hai_Tu
    • 741
    • RETWEETS
    XC_PizzaGuyJohnSpencer81NickCrispiSteveDutzyJWally33GettTheD00rT0R_piscesiscariotSean____OBrien
    hella_brad
  • mattytalks
      MattyTalks @mattytalks

    Thanks to Obamacare my son has been formally diagnosed as a gamer and we can finally afford the Mountain Dew he needs to stay alive

    • 1,358
    • FAVS
    warrenhenningnik_maleticquintywintiesturnoffthissongngoodlettjenlaw_11Total_Badassethan_layman
    • 704
    • RETWEETS
    giventofly41brocketxyzGreg_BeariousgefiltecatRlpihlwildbrookiestephandstuffkaytaa
@mattytalks

@mattytalks

A Hooker with a Heart of Gold