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  • mattytalks
      MattyTalks @mattytalks

    Ladies call me Subway because I've got low quality meat and lie about being 6 inches

    • 5,070
    • FAVS
    chrismoidanne_seattleShredderBabeDahFahQusaydto71danejacobiSlaterTippettstom_diddy
    • 2,701
    • RETWEETS
    johnwithazeroEric_AbertShenaeCurryDahFahQusaymayswbsaldivarelinemceetonypKingDavidLane
    DahFahQusayDanMentosMike_BianchiABurgerADaySecks_manAceMakesWordsRistolableKyle_LippertrobdelaneyGimpySunshine____
  • mattytalks
      MattyTalks @mattytalks

    Why are they called territorial disputes and not ground beef

    • 3,927
    • FAVS
    Andreas493DahFahQusayYoshuaDavisAaronChewninglosdrogasWhatTheH_ckmusamalik_12ILoveSailing123
    • 2,577
    • RETWEETS
    rubenluthmanjaredbrannonbreadpleaseWhatTheH_ckstretchyXcheezeEsk1313watermelonmeatZane_Stephens
    DanielRCarrillobloptPeachCoffinLeeMifsudOhNoSheTwitnt
  • mattytalks
      MattyTalks @mattytalks

    My mom found out that I was smoking the weed and she told me to "pack my bags" LOL it's called a bowl mom and it's already packed

    • 3,295
    • FAVS
    rubenluthmantpool_BrettThompson25RachelPoucherColgelGcouchdwellerindiebreakfastHaiWolfie
    • 1,735
    • RETWEETS
    DJCOKEZEROdevinelycomedictasty_testiclesColgelGStephenHegemandchowdiewhitegurltwerkbeerandbutthole
    Jenny4ashleyCameron_SladeOhNoSheTwitntLeeMifsudGoodNapsfanofhellvasedgodMrSpoonicornGHOSTBONESA_JahhWeedcoffin
  • mattytalks
      MattyTalks @mattytalks

    Girl are you a University of Phoenix degree because I'm pursuing you online and from my couch

    • 2,800
    • FAVS
    __SpanglishDahFahQusayA_Ferrandinobcfeuzjordanbrannon34George_and_Fredjake_klessWhatTheH_ck
    • 1,604
    • RETWEETS
    Discourse_jordanbrannon34jaredbrannonWhatTheH_ckjacobTisRadClaytonFinkeLivingstonFrosttonybalogna
    robfeevenomjunkie2
  • mattytalks
      MattyTalks @mattytalks

    Twitter isn't about followers you guys it's about retreating so deeply into your web persona that you alienate everyone who ever loved you

    • 2,145
    • FAVS
    thatcarlygirlsaddestalienDahFahQusayschwawahworkpantsplitjoshuarhodes13FisforFaulknerdarrrkstarrr
    • 1,497
    • RETWEETS
    schwawahjoshuarhodes13darrrkstarrrkendallbettJohnnyNopolisDaveWuzzHerejohnbiehlrenaemcalister
    DryDickRandoWeeabooGenocide__WarmCigarette_
  • mattytalks
      MattyTalks @mattytalks

    Tyler the Creator changes his name to Tyler the Job Creator and is instantly #2 in the republican polls until they realize that he is black

    • 1,622
    • FAVS
    apopagasmSageThornbrughTheConleyWhatTheH_ckbrockly12345stretchyXcheezenosidaMurrayErinreckless
    • 1,361
    • RETWEETS
    stretchyXcheezeGreg_Beariousrobbinthe860BigMikeInAustinshybonerscaaesurathepopenoeslovakat
    Youriquadrewtoothpastedudehugs
  • mattytalks
      MattyTalks @mattytalks

    I love libertarianism because it combines the "don't tell me what to do" attitude of a teen with economic understanding of a child

    • 2,221
    • FAVS
    zachjohnkZennistradCOINTELBROAceofRSahelanthrobertmfergusonjawbrokenKatFarrington
    • 1,286
    • RETWEETS
    markfoxisadjAceofRBadgerandMNeedlechilllindsay40kDataSnakeslasher48lurkeriatipsos
    SteveDutzy
  • mattytalks
      MattyTalks @mattytalks

    Actually Jennifer, diamonds are a girls best friend, so technically I slept with your second best friend

    • 3,596
    • FAVS
    rubenluthmanphilthy0phil_samsuxxPsydewayzruraljulessadb0ycakesDahFahQusaySpencerStires
    • 1,258
    • RETWEETS
    RussVentimigliaFakeErickPsydewayzmaddawg_92sadb0ycakesDahFahQusayWhatTheH_ckPedromss_1994
    WildeThingyradtoria
  • mattytalks
      MattyTalks @mattytalks

    I couldn't bring myself to kill my own turkey so I put baggy pants and a hoodie on one and a cop shot it for me

    • 2,025
    • FAVS
    zachjohnkSahelanthpugDNACam_Dogjohnpmcisaacfunnyasfartsjoeserrato1AynRand_is_Dead
    • 1,255
    • RETWEETS
    Cam_DogMacAttack35bryan472sauer_lukeCielosangreleez34FucktardIdiottwerkrobot
  • mattytalks
      MattyTalks @mattytalks

    I've got to say this John Wilkes Photo Booth takes amazing Headshots

    • 2,027
    • FAVS
    PLSVGEFrank_McCoy34TheConleyWhatTheH_ckbrockly12345FlirtyNikkacodyallan7ericaburt
    • 1,249
    • RETWEETS
    davidwadescodyallan7AdairyQueentaynash10_mikehartland_KneeCashmere_Slothibleedteal48
    EndhooSSaxMouseadamrenschnice_mustard
  • mattytalks
      MattyTalks @mattytalks

    Horton Hears Voices but doesn't have access to affordable mental healthcare so he will likely end up committing a violent crime #SadDrSeuss

    • 937
    • FAVS
    SageThornbrughWhatTheH_ckJimboleemZane_StephensWhoopdeedoo22Halexander916flufferfishgefiltecat
    • 1,232
    • RETWEETS
    mdjacksondallasgefiltecatqueeflatina8000EarlSundayangryl0lrustylermcjunkin26conrcrussellroyalty
  • mattytalks
      MattyTalks @mattytalks

    I just met you/And this is Swayze/But there's a corner/It's not for Baby

    • 1,362
    • FAVS
    WhatTheH_ckILoveSailing123Zane_StephensWhoopdeedoo22suggarloafagentkyleandylevyGeorgeEvans_
    • 1,197
    • RETWEETS
    ILoveSailing123julesnbjulienbobbofullGeorgeEvans_Shay_GriffithPetPinkElephantDryDickRandoadamrensch
    PetPinkElephantburgerkrangpartiallyproCognitive_DissBeeStapler
  • mattytalks
      MattyTalks @mattytalks

    Girl did it hurt when you fell from heaven? No, cool. Then let's talk about who's going to pay for my fucking roof

    • 2,013
    • FAVS
    CelebrityChezmian_kakakhelryan_sanWhatTheH_ckmusamalik_12Jimboleemwankcityiwearaonesie
    • 1,157
    • RETWEETS
    KyleCronin74HollyMemphisjacobTisRadJenny4ashleyPetPinkElephantgefiltecatColl_CareyJRobotLord
    havingafatdaymountainlexdrugleaf
  • mattytalks
      MattyTalks @mattytalks

    Do you guys want me to do a psychic trick for you? Think of something,think really hard don't tell me what it is.Ok Ready? I Fucking Hate it

    • 1,977
    • FAVS
    haccoyWhatTheH_ckausterehoundallthingspoeticHumor_FetishDahFahQusayOConnorWattspaulesquire
    • 1,005
    • RETWEETS
    jacobTisRadDahFahQusaybrododendronreTICKulousScrumpleToshvahjackman_ochskierstinanna
    Benesh_shruglordcrushingbortcollegebenPajamaBen_WeedcoffindinogorecharMANdorkKMdhc
  • mattytalks
      MattyTalks @mattytalks

    If you don't have empathy then discretion is a good alternative

    • 1,143
    • FAVS
    WhatTheH_ckineveningair13Whoopdeedoo22defnottoriALL6SENSESY3W_TREEizzynastasiabuttplayennui
    • 995
    • RETWEETS
    tylermcjunkin26slogsdonGerryMarkNortonmacplarrALL6SENSESY3W_TREEsophsweencolorswizard
    davedittell
  • mattytalks
      MattyTalks @mattytalks

    What idiot called them funerals instead of Tragic:The Gathering

    • 1,603
    • FAVS
    SignificentBearWhatTheH_ckkureru_meruKarma_KannonMichal_SiekhyliandannyjsbluethreeShuluuMoo
    • 881
    • RETWEETS
    Karma_Kannonisha_tearsfyzzgiggidyMeteoryanWhirblewindIronicLarktruongasmbrockly12345
    jonnysunHome_Halfway101Racey
  • mattytalks
      MattyTalks @mattytalks

    #SignsSheWantsTheD she did the bare minimum required to pass but her paper lacked creativity and original ideas

    • 1,079
    • FAVS
    gefiltecatTelehoIicthesh0ck3rsimonherzogKcone_connorbell714BramptonBartmanoffthemarktweet
    • 847
    • RETWEETS
    gefiltecatcameronsadlerSKZakVansantcJunior__iiivyy_leagueaillicimod_25JoshPetersen7
    winnersusedrugs
  • mattytalks
      MattyTalks @mattytalks

    I have a rare muscle disease that causes my hands to write racist things that I don't remember later. The Doctor is calling it Ron Palsy

    • 780
    • FAVS
    WhatTheH_ckDinosaurWigmjuktacoDoubleRinNKYMattStockman4DondoTimeCherylAFeliceClassicRot
    • 800
    • RETWEETS
    SenorNiceGuyMattStockman4DianaDeVito1bakinggoodYourProtagonistgracecoexistIanNievesSarahSecord__
    wankcity
  • mattytalks
      MattyTalks @mattytalks

    A very busty woman whispers to me "I want you to tell me if these look real" my eyes widen, then she takes out pictures of the moon landing

    • 1,701
    • FAVS
    Bkinne23rubenluthmancoolteen123msbrintnBigFatNothingKevsonthebus_illusioner011TheEggman__
    • 761
    • RETWEETS
    mikewaldron115LMarieBoothmat_perryJackGilliam69DirtyHarryBDPakistanIdleajyasgarbblazer24
  • mattytalks
      MattyTalks @mattytalks

    If you see a bunch of gay lions in a field do not yell "Oh look a gay pride meeting" because they won't laugh & will seriously eat you

    • 1,141
    • FAVS
    YoshuaDavisJenessaCCole_leahhalljonjonirwinAaronChewningapynesWhatTheH_ckGrowlyGrego
    • 754
    • RETWEETS
    jonjonirwinbreadpleaseWhatTheH_ckgefiltecatTotal_BadasszackfillionSam__Williamssnow_van
    dinogoreSadnessSauce______OConnellComedyregislRideOrDiePudge
@mattytalks

@mattytalks

A Hooker with a Heart of Gold