Twitter isn't about followers you guys it's about retreating so deeply into your web persona that you alienate everyone who ever loved you

*reads some "serious"tweets*
*gets mad as hell about them*
*tweets "Juan Headlight"*
*smokes a stick of dynamite*

For those who haven't seen it this is the greatest picture in history and is my heart pic.twitter.com/UdFG5KVUyU

*jumps out of plane*
*pulls ripcord on parachute*
*dildos fly everywhere*
Good own fellas, I owe you rascals one
*dies*

I just bit you/And this is a rabies/But I'm a raccoon/Don't touch my babies

Courtroom verdicts are my guilty pleasure

#GOP2016Slogans The Republican Party:Where only the american express cards are black

A cool thing to do for your mom would be to stop worshipping your own depression and make strides to improve yourself and your life

Tyler the Creator changes his name to Tyler the Job Creator and is instantly #2 in the republican polls until they realize that he is black

I hate when I go to an art gallery and there's no scores so I don't know which painting is the best

My mom found out that I was smoking the weed and she told me to "pack my bags" LOL it's called a bowl mom and it's already packed

*reads some tweets* yeah I don't get it *picks up bible*

If you see a bunch of gay lions in a field do not yell "Oh look a gay pride meeting" because they won't laugh & will seriously eat you

I can't believe they installed Invisible Fence in the Club

#ThingsNotToDoOnAFirstDate 9/11

Classy ladies make the booty golf clap

*starts two wars* oops, my bad
*balloons the deficit* zoinks
*does 9/11* I am so random
*builds a library* U mad bro

Sexual Tacos

"I think of a man, and I take away reason and accountability" ~ how I describe a Furby to people

Had to take my Slayer shirt off so I could pass through the Metal Detector