Fuck you recommended serving size! You don't know me!

If there were no bad parents there would be no good strip clubs.

The grass is greener on the other side because it's fertilized with bullshit.

I find women in their 30s and 40s sexy. Sexy is something that women get the older they get. Young chicks simply don't have it.

Quit worrying about followers and just fucking write what's on your mind. Shit is therapy not a competition.

If I ask how old your baby is I don't want to hear "29 months". Just say "he's two" you suburban cunt.

"Imagine no Wikipedia!" Um I lived it. I earned a HS diploma and college degree using only books and a library. Imagine that.

I don't see how you interrupting me to ask how much I've had to drink is adding anything to my awesome story.

If you look up "dictionary" in a dictionary shouldn't it just say "fuck you"?

Pardon me ma'am, but I couldn't help but notice you're wearing bright blue eyeliner... How much for a handjob?

Working out and drinking are the only two activities where puking is a sign that you're doing really good.

The Internet is the last system of true freedom of speech. So stop getting offended or telling people how to tweet, you fascist.

"Hi, I'm retarded. I also take all tweets literally and seriously."- people who don't understand Twitter.

Any story you tell about something you did the night before, that starts with the word "Apparently," is probably awesome.

Hey fucktards who take tweets seriously. Go back to Facebook fucking assholes you're ruining it for everyone.

Why do I date a woman 19 years older than me? Cause she fucks better than a porn star and doesn't nag me about anything. EVER.

Every time I hear a guy call his girlfriend "babe", I think "How can she like that name? Didn't she see the movie?"

Judging by profile pics on facebook, I have come to the conclusion that I am friends with entirely way too many fucking babies and dogs.

Rumors of teachers throwing themselves in front of their students to take bullets for them. Yet some in government want to pay them less....

Casey Anthony freed on circumstantial evidence. Troy Davis the black dude executed on circumstantial evidence. FUCK THIS COUNTRY.