Favstar gets even better if you sign in.
OH: "A foot massage is almost as good as a blow job." "One of those things is not being done right."
Somehow managed to leave the house dressed appropriately for the weather, my job, AND my age. Don't worry, I'm still covered in dog hair.
I bet bill collectors have the highest suicide rate of any profession. Or I guess I mean I hope they do.
Sorry dude, I only date boys from the internet.
OH: "Money can't buy you happiness? That's bullshit. Money can buy you a jetski. Have you ever seen anyone look unhappy on a jetski?!"
If you're having neurological problems, I feel bad for you son. I got 99 problems, but a twitch ain't one.
Nothing gives me greater satisfaction than seeing a woman looking terrible in an outfit that cost more than my car.
I HATE ESPRESSO BUT I DO LIKE HOW BIG MY EYES ARE AND HOW SPARKLY THIS CARDBOARD IS WHY AM I YELLING
Boss says I have to keep my eyes open at work. I say as long as I can hold a conversation, I can fly whatever elephant spaceships I salami.
Oh my god. Are you serious? I always thought it went "knock-knock-knocking on Kevin's door." I was like, WHO'S KEVIN?
I can't get to my track at Grand Central. Because they're filming a PSA. I hope it's about the convenience of public transportation.
Yeah, cigarettes are expensive, but think of the money I'm saving in legal fees!
...cuz I'm not stabbing you. Get it?
It's so hard to keep track of the extent to which everyone is stupid.
LOOK BITCH IF YOU CAN HAVE A PHONE CALL IN THE ELEVATOR I CAN PRACTICE MY NINJA SKILLS
I like the Internet because you don't even need to pretend what you're saying is true, let alone verifiable.
My tweets don't have to make sense! What is this, college? Who are you, the queen of England? At a tea party? Pinky out? You disgust me.
I'm surprised how many little girls identify with the Little Mermaid, considering all her problems are because SHE DOESN'T HAVE FEET.
I think my style can be safely classified as "slutty Mary Poppins."
You guys wouldn't want to watch my live twitcam, because all I do all day is shove bacon in my mouth and cry while I'm typing. It's cryping.
Hey humans! Let's play that game where you annoy the shit out of me until I snap and it looks like I'M the jerk. I'm undefeated so far.
Love languages. Hate zombies. Work happily at @Aviary. I have a lot to say about Meat Loaf.