I'm ashamed at what i've done for a klondike bar.

remember 'Duckman'? that show ruled!

Anyone wanna trade pants?

Had my identity stolen and promptly returned the next day. Ouch!

Call the #McRib what it is: A big dirty pork McNugget.

I DON'T HAVE AN INSIDE VOICE!!!!!

Treading water in the cesspool of life.......

I keep taking baths like Lady Macbeth.

The only thing sadder than using people's tweets for your fb status is tweeting stolen fb statuses

Jokes on you, I'm dead inside

If you met me you'd know #whyimsingle

Hey Coldplay, you're sensitive......we get it!!!!!

Religion: Offering great comfort and solace to many in a world torn apart by religion.

Happy slap a pothead who wont shut up about it day! #420

Sucking down Cadbury eggs like its a ransom demand.

Most people who whine about the government are the people who would be hood ornaments by day two in a world of anarchy.

Been trying to work 'swashbuckling' into my daily vocabulary more........it's going pretty well.

I'm trying to be less vague and more like that other thing.....

Gervais, David, and CK......the real kings of comedy. #emmys

#ReasonsWeCantBeTogether you're an awful human being