Just told an obese woman that the elevator in our building is broken. What have YOU done to save America today?

Can someone PLEASE tell me what happens to a retarded person when they smoke pot?!

I support all monogamous relationships until I see his name tattooed on you. Then I hope he cheats on you. With your Dad.

You can't be against abortion and still eat eggs.

I just saw someone write, "I think I'd make a good dinasore (:" and I think this might disprove evolution.

If you're a 40 year old that shops at Forever 21, it's not too late to get your GED!

People who set their home page to Facebook are what is wrong with America.

Whenever I ever curse in public, I always give Jesus a different middle initial and just watch people's reactions.

I don't support execution but I just heard an Owl City song.

Nothing puts a gigantic "My Wife Owns Me" stamp on your forehead like having your lunchbox strapped to the back of your motorcycle.

#GingerFashionTips: Don't wear green unless it's St. Patrick's Day

"Very well," he said, "I will let you bake your bread over cow manure instead of human excrement." - The Bible. (No, really. Look it up).

I'm pretty sure I need a Brita filter for the thoughts that come out of my mouth.

WHAT'S SO WRONG WITH WATCHING THINGS FORWARDS ??!! :(

When I'm in public, I pretend people are Sims and have those +/- numbers on top of their head from what they're doing.

This new diet plan* just told me my problem area was my face. :(

*My mom.

If I had down syndrome, every time I went to the pool I'd play that game where you fake drown. Then I'd probably pull out my penis.

Which came first? The lesbian or the softball?

I'll "Coexist" with you the second you get the FUCK out of my lane.

Dear Wendys,

If Summer "tasted" like anything, your strawberry milkshake would be furthest from it. Most like Summer? 1/3 serving of air.