This dude is wearing a fucking helmet at the bar. I don't know him yet but we are gonna fucking party together

Who's fucking yard do I have to stand in to get one of these milkshakes I keep hearing about

Gf left the shower head on the tub floor set on "massage" mode. My competition has presented itself and came out swinging Well GAME ON bitch

Men think about sex every 7 seconds !! That's why I always eat a hotdog in under 6 seconds. Just so it doesn't get awkward

Word to the wise. Never make a life decision with a boner and a bottle of whiskey

I have a polite penis. It stands up so my girl has a place to sit down

I was gonna change my AVI but it's hard finding a good pic that says " I Like to get trashed lose my pants and cuddle in the bathroom"

Fact: you will NOT get thrown out of an ihop for slapping someone with a pancake in the face

No I am not peeping in your window. I am playing hide and seek till your husband gets home

If I stared at books as much as I stared at tits. I would have been a college graduate

Don't feed me that we'll she is beautiful on the inside shit ! Who the fuck has ever beat off to a beautiful personality.

I want to be extremely inappropriate with you

If you play your cards right I may just let you into my pillow fort so we can play doctor !

Any asshole with a gym membership and a diet can have a 6 pack !! But I got the v cut on the beer gut. That's a new level of awesomeness

Growing up catholic means I am grateful every Ash Wednesday. Let's face it only time a priest smears something on your face that ain't semen

Roses are red , horses eat hay , I am fucking your mom, cause your dad is gay

Let's face it I am gonna drink these beers and think about your tits.... So save me a headache from thinking and just show them to me

Apparently "fuck you I got this" is another way of saying "watch me fuck up and get hurt" unrelated my knee is swollen now and I need ice !

I have never been in a diner and had all the patrons break out in a synchronized dance routine......... This pisses me off

If I worked as hard as my liver.... I would be a millionaire