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According to BBC News there's a rare bird on the loose in Scotland. I assume that means she's sober and appropriately dressed?
0.00001% <-- the percentage of people that buy Kingsize Rizla to make 'normal' cigarettes with.
#weed
#madeupstaturday
"Nobody has a right to judge me" says the girl on #skint that has 5 kids at 21 and has never worked.
I'd say my taxes buy me the right to.
Cheryl Baker is stuck in traffic. She tried to speed it up, then she had to slow it down.
#BBCBreakfast
1 Peel a potato
2 Coat in melted sugar and insert stick
3 Wrap in clear plastic
4 Hand to Trick or Treater as Toffee Apple
You're welcome.
Ironic that Anne Widdecombe is campaigning against binge drinking when it makes her seem more attractive.
Roses are multicoloured, violets just melt, I've taken acid, look at that dog.
Peter Hitchens has to be one of the most odious, snivelling, little tarts I have ever had the misfortune to see on my telly.
#bbcsml
The reason that Barry from Eastenders has been typecast as Barry from Eastenders, is that he's Barry from Eastenders in real life.
If Twitter has taught me anything, it's that normal people are far more interesting and entertaining than 99.9% of celebrities are.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I've got amnesia,
Do you want to hear a poem about flowers?
@mikelarteta08 @arsenalaction Seat next to me is spare today, anyone trying to bin bag it will get the bag stuck up their arse. #AFC
Getting tired of Heston Blumenthal. Why doesn't he cut the crap and knock out a decent fry up, instead of a Death Star made of liquid pork?
3 hopes for football today:
1) We win
2) We give Robin hell
3) We get back to London before their fans do
I don't care how important you think you are, I refuse to take you seriously if you were a tie with a short sleeve shirt.
The difference between twitter and crack is that one is so addictive it takes over and destroys your life, whereas the other is crack.
Don't take me too seriously, it's really not worth it. My Twitter is open, no DM please, they won't be answered.