I would be a bank robber if I could find pantyhose that matched my complexion, because I want to be taken seriously and not look ridiculous.

FOR THE LAST TIME, it isn't premature ejaculation. I want to get the sex over with so we have plenty of time to talk about feelings. Got it?

Bringing a baseball glove to the game is like bringing a spatula to a restaurant. You think you're fitting in but you just look like a jerk.

If you're a grown man boasting about how much protein you drink, I'm going to assume you're getting it directly from another man's penis.

I enjoy long walks on the beach, holding hands and driving 38 mph in
the left lane with my right blinker on for many, many, miles. Call me!

It's a beautiful day to be in a full sprint. I hope to make it across the highway before the dart kicks in and they drag me back to work..

How the fuck am I supposed to tweet when I can't catch a god damn red light? COME ON!

Sir, can we reign it in for a minute? If you can't make your point in 140 characters or less, then you don't have one. Sorry, not my rules.

If I did any less work today, I'd be my boss.

I read all of your tweets in a unique, custom created voice for each person. Oddly enough you all sound exactly like me just a lot funnier.

Things I keep in my fanny pack:

Lip balm, condoms (Not going to need those), money, wet naps, emergency sunscreen and finally, my dignity..

"If I'm not supposed to be drinking in here, tell me why it has a bottle opener then? Hmmmm?"

"That...that is a seatbelt buckle."

I wish the toilet seat at work was more comfortable. That would really enhance my daily nap and help keep my legs from falling asleep.

My wife thinks the dog doesn’t understand me because he’s a dog. I know he doesn’t because he’s a Shi-Tzu and I don’t speak Japanese. Women.

This guy drives the same way I have sex. Pulling out way to soon and close to disaster. I think he might even be crying, wait, nope just me.

Real men reach down into the drain and grab the hair monster left by their wives bare handed. I...I use salad tongs and wear rubber gloves.

If you're starting a lawnmower at 7am, I hope it's to leave it running in the garage with the door down, and you inside.

OH: "I can have sex with anyone I work with."

I assume he works in a morgue or funeral home, then I giggle, then I judge him. Pervert.

Your desire to cover your house in decorative spiders is only matched by my desire to cover your house in flames.

I walked my dog all day and all I got, was the lousy bag of shit.