Hey guys- Playing with kids is great, but not nearly as much fun as playing with the box they came in.

I can never sleep in because this one time I procreated.

myspace is the detroit of the internet.

What kind of soul-less asshat prefers chunky peanut butter?

my son just said "i love to hear you laugh," so please ignore me while my heart leaks out of my eyes.

I just want to get as excited about anything as drunk white girls get about every song or friend who shows up.

ladies- you don't have to be skinny. you don't have to have curves. just own your body and show him what it can do. end psa

Sext: we can start all Chris Isaak and end up all NIN.

If hide and seek is any indication of future success, my two year old is totally screwed.

every moment that my son's hand is in mine i am overwhelmed at that love and moved to be a better person.

when my son says "watch this" i get the biggest grin. and a mop. and band aids.

My mom just asked me about ben wa balls so I am done talking about all things forever. It was fun, you guys.

Dear college student dressed like a thug: I am decidedly un-intimidated by anyone with a rolling backpack.

there are two things i know to be true abt myself: 1- i would be awful on 'wipeout.' 2- i desperately want to be on 'wipeout.'

sometimes i get a little down but then i remember that i have boobs. helps a bit.

oh gawd, guy outside the grocery. the kissy noises totally worked. please put your seed in my womb.

turned around to bark at my kid for dragging and caught him marveling at his hand in a sunbeam and the world is perfect and miraculous.

well, i hadn't realized it until i heard those super loud pipes on your car, but yes, i DO need lots of sex with you.

Student: You're funny. You should be on twitter. Me: What's a twitter?

friend: is my face all shimmery? me: it just looks a little like you ate out ke$ha.