I bet Tony Danza's blood-type is either AO or OA.

Mall benches are like thrones for weirdos.

Let's just call salmon what it really is: Faggot steak.

Boy, Asian people sure have blurry genitals.

Given my body-type, I take a lot more "run by this window naked real quick" chances than I should.

I think part of the T-Rex's anger came from never being able to put their own hats on.

I bet the first pregnant woman just thought it was a mean shit coming. #history

Waiting for Michael Jackson's corpse to be thrown onstage. #halftime

Ties are just fancy arrows pointing at our dicks.

Being stoned is great, right up to the part where you're in front of a mirror and you go, "Oh yeah. Shit. That's what I look like."

Hand me your phone and someone you know's getting an "I wanna fuck you" text.

It's tough to watch someone you love eat corn on the cob.

I wanted to be black when I was a teenager. Now I realize it was because black people don't play board games at parties.

My wife just took a shit. Now that's what I call a gross domestic product.

We've all got that one weird friend that wants us to succeed.

"As for me, all I know is that I know nothing... Alright, why don't we all take five, bang a kid or whatever, and regroup." - Socrates

I hope the Heaven evaluation form doesn't get into the whole "masturbating in front of my pets" thing.

Hey, "guy who hugs everyone so then I have to," settle down.

No one say anything about soccer. I haven't seen it yet.

I hope my memory foam mattress doesn't remember all of my terrible sex attempts.