What if, when we die, the light we see at the end of the tunnel is just ourselves getting pushed out of another vagina?

Ladies: we're not fooled by your PMS trickery. I see how happy you are in those tampon commercials.

Kit-Kats: it's all fun and games until there's five people.

Sex offenders have to register. I think stupid people should have to register too. I don't want to live next to a stupid person.

Maybe she's born with it... or maybe she's just a hideous monster wearing a shit ton of makeup. ~Maybelline

God loves you unconditionally, under a few conditions. ~Jesus

Twitter: that mystical land where everybody is your friend and nobody gives a sh*t what you and your ugly kids are doing this weekend.

Never fake an orgasm. That's just rewarding bad behavior.

I'm not a gynecologist, but I'll have a look.

Dear women: if God wanted us to rub your back he would have put your boobs there.

I just saw a homeless guy sift through the big astray/trashcan thing at the park while singing "I like big butts and I cannot lie." #winning

Just ate 44 sour warheads and now my face looks like a Chinese guy just saw Snookie's vagina.

My daughter is scared to sleep in her room, wants me to look in the closet. F*ck that, there's monsters in there.

I want a car that runs on the tears I shed at the gas pump.

I show up drunk to business meetings to let people know I don't f*ck around with non-business things like sobriety.

Friday fashion advice: Men - shave your mustache. Women - shave your mustache.

I told my psychiatrist I was addicted to FavStar and Twitter; the pretentious bastard was all like, "I'm sorry, I don't follow"

Wife is reading Fifty Shades of Grey and now I don't have any cucumbers left for this salad.

Serious parental dilemma: We've put child locks on all the doors and windows but the kids manage to somehow get back inside.

You're officially an adult when you tell your friend "congrats" for having a baby instead of "oh, that sucks."