Favstar gets even better if you sign in.
What if, when we die, the light we see at the end of the tunnel is just ourselves getting pushed out of another vagina?
Ladies: we're not fooled by your PMS trickery. I see how happy you are in those tampon commercials.
Kit-Kats: it's all fun and games until there's five people.
Sex offenders have to register. I think stupid people should have to register too. I don't want to live next to a stupid person.
Maybe she's born with it... or maybe she's just a hideous monster wearing a shit ton of makeup. ~Maybelline
God loves you unconditionally, under a few conditions. ~Jesus
Twitter: that mystical land where everybody is your friend and nobody gives a sh*t what you and your ugly kids are doing this weekend.
Never fake an orgasm. That's just rewarding bad behavior.
I'm not a gynecologist, but I'll have a look.
Dear women: if God wanted us to rub your back he would have put your boobs there.
I just saw a homeless guy sift through the big astray/trashcan thing at the park while singing "I like big butts and I cannot lie." #winning
Just ate 44 sour warheads and now my face looks like a Chinese guy just saw Snookie's vagina.
My daughter is scared to sleep in her room, wants me to look in the closet. F*ck that, there's monsters in there.
I want a car that runs on the tears I shed at the gas pump.
I show up drunk to business meetings to let people know I don't f*ck around with non-business things like sobriety.
Friday fashion advice: Men - shave your mustache. Women - shave your mustache.
I told my psychiatrist I was addicted to FavStar and Twitter; the pretentious bastard was all like, "I'm sorry, I don't follow"
Wife is reading Fifty Shades of Grey and now I don't have any cucumbers left for this salad.
Serious parental dilemma: We've put child locks on all the doors and windows but the kids manage to somehow get back inside.
You're officially an adult when you tell your friend "congrats" for having a baby instead of "oh, that sucks."
I make poop jokes. Curator of http://t.co/tSuuaFQYjV