What if, when we die, the light we see at the end of the tunnel is just ourselves getting pushed out of another vagina?

Ladies: we're not fooled by your PMS trickery. I see how happy you are in those tampon commercials.

Sex offenders have to register. I think stupid people should have to register too. I don't want to live next to a stupid person.

Kit-Kats: it's all fun and games until there's five people.

Maybe she's born with it... or maybe she's just a hideous monster wearing a shit ton of makeup. ~Maybelline

God loves you unconditionally, under a few conditions. ~Jesus

Never fake an orgasm. That's just rewarding bad behavior.

Dear women: if God wanted us to rub your back he would have put your boobs there.

I'm not a gynecologist, but I'll have a look.

My daughter is scared to sleep in her room, wants me to look in the closet. F*ck that, there's monsters in there.

I want a car that runs on the tears I shed at the gas pump.

I told my psychiatrist I was addicted to FavStar and Twitter; the pretentious bastard was all like, "I'm sorry, I don't follow"

Well I happen to think Jessica Simpson looks great for being 28 months pregnant.

Serious parental dilemma: We've put child locks on all the doors and windows but the kids manage to somehow get back inside.

Wife is reading Fifty Shades of Grey and now I don't have any cucumbers left for this salad.

This chick on Facebook just got 62 "likes" for saying she had a headache from a long day. F*ck that place.

My wife fakes the best sandwiches.

Twitter users! If you find a tweet that is funny or insightful, please click "favorite" and/or "retweet." We live for that sh*t. Thanks!

Do gays dress so fabulous because of all the time they spent in the closet?

You "healthy" people realize organic means cow shit right?