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Google Now is just taunting me. "You know, if you ditched work now you could be home in, like, 27 minutes. Just sayin'."
Wikipedia's down. I feel stupider already.
I've got some international air travel coming up soon. Is it too early or too much to ask for my 4th amendment rights back now?
Technically, they're "Canada Geese". If they were "Canadian Geese" they wouldn't be such dicks.
New TSA screening procedures go into effect next week. When they ask if you have a 'Manifesto', the correct answer is 'No'.
My little econobox rental has a speedometer that goes all the way to 120MPH. Isn't that adorable??
The city is doing "mosquito fogging" tonight around midnight. That tiny part of my brain screams "secret government death vapor!!"
I must know the why of things. It's my thing. I don't know why.
Something to remember when buying chocolate at IKEA. Ikea is Swedish. Not Swiss.
Thank you for your years of service. Here's your polished lucite cube.
Doesn't it make you incensed when people learn a nascent word and then contrive to incorporate it into discourse?
What does it say about my neighborhood when the dog pound is full of nothing but chihuahuas and pit bulls?
Anyone else noticed how ubiquitous Caller ID has changed our greetings? Instead of "Hello?" we now say e.g., "Where the hell's my money?!"
I'm drinking' whisky from a paper cup. Before you get all judgmental on me, you should know it is a /compostable/ paper cup.
The year is almost up and, at the risk of jinxing it, I have managed to avoid scurvy. No Scurvy 2013 has been a rousing success.
The gross thing about this tub of Crisco isn't the contents. It's the warning label fine print that says "Not intended for use as a spread."
Bestbuy was a zoo. But Office Depot was deserted. You're all getting staplers for xmas.
Daylight saving time is over, so now I have to re-train myself to trust the oven and ignore the microwave.