Before you start pissing on your neighbor's yard signs remember Bush v. Gore. Don't be a dick. We don't do that. That's why we won. #dbad

Two Roomba enter. One Roomba leaves. Do you dare to enter the Invisible Hexagon?! http://t.co/PfcIX1Q6

I've got some international air travel coming up soon. Is it too early or too much to ask for my 4th amendment rights back now?

Google Now is just taunting me. "You know, if you ditched work now you could be home in, like, 27 minutes. Just sayin'."

New TSA screening procedures go into effect next week. When they ask if you have a 'Manifesto', the correct answer is 'No'.

I must know the why of things. It's my thing. I don't know why.

Something to remember when buying chocolate at IKEA. Ikea is Swedish. Not Swiss.

Thank you for your years of service. Here's your polished lucite cube.

Doesn't it make you incensed when people learn a nascent word and then contrive to incorporate it into discourse?

What does it say about my neighborhood when the dog pound is full of nothing but chihuahuas and pit bulls?

Anyone else noticed how ubiquitous Caller ID has changed our greetings? Instead of "Hello?" we now say e.g., "Where the hell's my money?!"

Bestbuy was a zoo. But Office Depot was deserted. You're all getting staplers for xmas.

Daylight saving time is over, so now I have to re-train myself to trust the oven and ignore the microwave.

@ann_kilzer The whole gluten thing confuses me, too. It it too much like being allergic to civilization.

Typical waiting room. The US Magazine is filled with comeback stories about people now long dead.

Signs you wish we didn't need: "Please do not drink from the blessing fountain."

I'm been feeling remarkably gloaty this month. Wasn't Gloaty one of the Smurfs? Or was he one of those little guys who hung with Snow White?

When Prince was singing about a Raspberry Beret, he was talking about the color, not the flavor. Right?

The wasps building a nest in my grill will be warm for the rest of their lives.

Worst thing about waiting at the tire shop is that now I've got another terribly stupid country/western song stuck in my head. Spectacular.