I must know the why of things. It's my thing. I don't know why.

The last person to use this gas pump bought three dollars of gas. They didn't even get a full gallon. This makes me sad.

Roger Ebert gave me tacit permission to try out 'bad' movies, and not feel bad about myself for enjoying the hell out of them. Thanks. RIP.

Look, I understand playing with your phone while on the toilet, but please lay off the MP3s. This is not an event that needs theme music.

If you learn nothing else from those red equality avatars everyone's sporting now days, there's always this: Don't store graphics as JPG.

It is nice to see the NFL's scab refs are getting work... #coeagles

For the last time, this isn't a conspiracy theory. It is a conspiracy hypothesis.

At what point do you stop and wonder if the test isn't actually selective for horse meat?

Everything looks more cyberspacy with hexagons on it!

Women from eastern bloc countries saying 'Waffles' is awesome.

You know what's finally going to push me into ebooks? Those damn tall paperbacks that don't match the rest of the shelf. FUCK THAT.

Bestbuy was a zoo. But Office Depot was deserted. You're all getting staplers for xmas.

Can you make soup in an ultrasonic jewelry cleaner? I'm asking for a friend.

My personal war on Christmas is limited to those combatants who use glitter on their greeting cards.

When people ask questions on Twitter, do they really want answers?

Nothing prepares a boy for the horror of dropping 'feminine products' into a sink full of water.

That relieved feeling when UPS didn't leave hundreds of dollars of equipment sitting on the porch is quickly followed by the disappointment.

Look, if I'm gonna take you out to a fancy restaurant, you damn well better keep the little swords from your drinks.

If you only see one movie this year, you better pick fast - you're running outta time.

Thanks to a late crop and an early freeze, I now have firsthand knowledge of why Tomato Wine was never a success.