If I was in line behind an Extreme Couponer at check-out, I'm not sure the cops & ambulances could get there in time.

I didn't actually time it, but I'm fairly certain this 5 hour energy drink crapped out a little prematurely.

Recipes need more than 1 picture of the finished product. Pics of varying degrees of screw ups from You Did it! to Call Poison Control.

I hate seeing pedestrians get hit by cars. I always, ALWAYS close my eyes first.

In Starbucks a woman went sh*t house rat crazy when she got a double shot of espresso instead of the triple shot she ordered. I'm fine now.

What if Twitter became a priority in your life and you committed Twittercide...and no one noticed?

Right. I've given INCEPTION 20minutes of my life that would have been better spent sitting on a curb somewhere.

I can't prove it really, but I'm certain several hours of this weekend have been stolen from me. Please return. No questions asked.

The lawmakers want to raise our speed limit to 75mph. Somebody must need a liver.

I've never understood why so many people want to be IN CHARGE. The less responsibility I have in most situations is fine with me.

It's not that I'm ungrateful for being alive--but why does waking up have to be such an awful experience?!

In My defense, the other drivers should have known that lightening scares me & that my panicky tendencies could cause that erratic swerving.

If you insist on acting like a prick, it's just a matter of time before someone decides to cut you off. Probably.

Propofol is lovely in a Jimi Hendrix playing in the background while you follow Jim Morrison down the armadillo hole kind of way.

Watching COPS. Related: At the next family reunion I can now respond "Yeah, I've seen him."

Atheists shouldn't try to recruit. For a lot of us, with no God or Hell, there's NOTHING to stop us.

I really feel betrayed when a movie's trailer is the only good part of the movie.

I'm watching a HOARDERS Marathon and it occurred to me that we've never seen the houses those psychologists & organizers live in.

I love it when the pot calls the kettle black! Because....well...a talking pot.

When you reach my age, "getting down" loses it's appeal. Mostly due to that whole getting back up again ordeal.