If I was in line behind an Extreme Couponer at check-out, I'm not sure the cops & ambulances could get there in time.

I hate seeing pedestrians get hit by cars. I always, ALWAYS close my eyes first.

I didn't actually time it, but I'm fairly certain this 5 hour energy drink crapped out a little prematurely.

Recipes need more than 1 picture of the finished product. Pics of varying degrees of screw ups from You Did it! to Call Poison Control.

I've never understood why so many people want to be IN CHARGE. The less responsibility I have in most situations is fine with me.

In Starbucks a woman went sh*t house rat crazy when she got a double shot of espresso instead of the triple shot she ordered. I'm fine now.

I can't prove it really, but I'm certain several hours of this weekend have been stolen from me. Please return. No questions asked.

What if Twitter became a priority in your life and you committed Twittercide...and no one noticed?

@taurusseason #Taurus listens without judging, loves without conditions, battles without fear, & enjoys like there's no tomorrow!

I really feel betrayed when a movie's trailer is the only good part of the movie.

It's not that I'm ungrateful for being alive--but why does waking up have to be such an awful experience?!

The lawmakers want to raise our speed limit to 75mph. Somebody must need a liver.

I love it when the pot calls the kettle black! Because....well...a talking pot.

When you reach my age, "getting down" loses it's appeal. Mostly due to that whole getting back up again ordeal.

Right. I've given INCEPTION 20minutes of my life that would have been better spent sitting on a curb somewhere.

That dude that plays NeNe gets less convincing every season. #RHOA

If you insist on acting like a prick, it's just a matter of time before someone decides to cut you off. Probably.

I usually won't agree to babysit but my 1yo niece is coming over & these questionable 9-volts aren't gonna test themselves.

Propofol is lovely in a Jimi Hendrix playing in the background while you follow Jim Morrison down the armadillo hole kind of way.

I love my family, really. I just don't understand why we have to actually have contact with them.