If your phone gets wet, try putting it in a bag of dry rice. At night, the rice will attract Asians who will fix your electronics for you .

The first rule of British Fight Club is everybody should have a jolly spiffing good time at the fight club.

I have come full circle. Just like in kindergarten I have a tablet in my hand and no idea what to do with it.

It's rather easy to find somewhere to live, yet incredibly difficult finding somewhere to belong

I'm glad they finally made a social network where I can go to be alone.

Was wondering if anyone else has neighbors that smoke weed on their back decks, and if so, do you think they're gonna call the cops on me?

No alcohol nor meds for me - sobriety is great! Now excuse me, I have to go feed the unicorns.

Once, a lady in a bar yelled "Anyone know CPR?".. I said, "I know the WHOLE alphabet" & everyone laughed except one guy
Seriously, learn CPR

Some frozen winter morning, dogs are going to realize what goes on in the bathroom and there will be Hell to pay.

Sometimes we just need to forgive our memories.

And the wind cries, 'Mary'.....or my neighbor's wife, Mary is drunk and wandered off into the woods again.

I hate people who take drugs.

Such as Policemen, Customs Officers, etc...

Smartass your way out of some things, dumbass your way out of others.

I had the hiccups for a week once. I would trade Black Betty in my head for those hiccups.

I'll have your racoon wrapped Scallops with your skanky pasta. What? Sorry, I didn't bring my reading glasses

Hey you,



















This shit is annoying af!

I know what the words mean, just not together.

The first phrase I learned in Spanish was "The tool you sold me to fix the thing that was broken, is also broken."

Before you know it, you're gonna be just a memory. Make sure you're gonna be a good one.

Almost feels wrong calling it the graveyard shift at a hospital