Girls' favorite game is "Guess what's bothering me?".

A ball pit filled with gnocchi

I want this to be my top tweet on Favstar.

My dyslexic ex put the nut in cunt.

Nailed it! That's a wrap!

Emailed your uncle.

Is there a battered men's shelter for feline abuse?

Worried I'm wasting my life worrying about wasting my life.

Before the internet, asking women I didn't know if they wanted pictures of my penis was really awkward.

I will work on a tweet as long as it takes to poo, and one is not done before the other.

"I'm cooking fratatouille tonight. Instead of thyme I'm using roofies!" - LOL worthy joke goin' in my stand-up routine.

No I'm not Catholic, that's bong ash.

Either the drug sniffing dog at this train station intentionally gave me a pass, or it's time for him to hang up his badge.

My material is not that good but that's ok cuz I'm not into material things.

Doing nothing takes practice, but once you get good at it, you'll wonder how you ever did anything in the first place.

So I missed giving my trophy out, does favestar refund a missed day? I could probably get a note excusing my absence from work.

I'm just a humble prophet for the Gospel of Lunacy.

I don't want you to be perfect. I just want you to be mine.

You haven't lived until you've heard a drunk guy with a Baltimore accent say "Where's a guy gotta go to get blowed 'round here?"

If you google something and get no results, you're into some weird shit.