I had never stopped to truly consider how much macy gray must've been affected by 9/11  http://twitpic.com/clqlbc 

You can always tell a native of the island of Capri by how their legs are 25% shorter than ours

Just drew a bunch of dicks on my friend's face. I love open-casket funerals!!

If you count a little kid on another kid's shoulders under a trench coat as two people, then I have had TWO boyfriends

Dolls teach girls very unrealistic body standards. A Russian doesn't have to have many tiny Russians inside her to be beautiful.

I call my vagina the Museum of Natural History because students get in free on weekends

"Right." - Fred

I hope the Burger King and Dairy Queen have a Cheeseburger Prince

The barista spelled my name wrong again  http://twitpic.com/c0x85g 

Did anyone else get the "TMI" screen on WebMD???

"I like this guy but I don't think he even knows I don't exist" - Lennay Kekua

Text "BONER" to 69696 to donate $69 dollars to the Rad Cross

The three most important things about surreal estate: melting clocks, melting clocks, melting clocks!

I think the most fucked up thing about the Catholic Church is that they force Bishops to only move in diagonals

My first ep of Parks & Rec (co-written by @eeshmu) airs tonight 9:30 NBC. You'll love it, or my social security number isn't 849-01-1224!

Missed Connection: I was Liam Neeson, you took my daughter

Women are like snowflakes: they can't drive

R.I.P. 2011 (2011-2011)

According to the documents in my neighbor's trash, I'm a "stalker"

Being cute by buying my ticket for Lincoln with pennies