Just found out the girl's P.E. teacher is NOT a lesbian. What next? The cafeteria lady has no back hair and real teeth? What is happening?!?

I think some of your star function's are broken, because I'm not receiving much love lately and I'm freaking awesome so I know it's not me.

Some things are just best said with an eye roll.

You guys really make me miss weed.

We've all been here:
Coworker: "You should add my band on FB & twitter!"
Me: "Oh, I would, but I don't have accounts for either of those."

Does anyone know who created those word on the ass pants? Furthermore, does anyone know why that person hates women so much?

Brownies don't taste the same without pot.

Ugh. I hate the smell of work and responsibility.

Just drove over a bridge with a "No Jumping" sign posted on it. So, I guess we're limiting suicide locations now. Dammit. Onto the next...

Heads up: I'm unfollowing and blocking anyone who gives Super Bowl play by plays. Added bonus: if we ever meet in person I'll throat punch u

I wish I had made tacos tonight...Don't be a perv about that...The Mexican, edible kind...Don't be a perv about that either. Damn pervs.

Taking out my phone while you're talking is as polite as I can get in saying shut your fucking face hole your annoying voice kills kittens.

I'll sum up: Everyone's horny, most are drunk, we all hate everyone but each other. Did I miss anything? fuckcuntmittsuperbowlmadonnablowjob

This is obviously the time when everyone just wants to do a lot of ranting and little reading...so I'm fast forwarding to...later.

I'd follow a lot more people if their avi's weren't so insanely lame.

Sorry any women named Tina...I will never take u seriously. To me you'll always be the llama from Napoleon Dynamite & u should eat your food

Ever finished a tweet and realized you have to cut a word out to make room to keep fuck, fucker, fucked, or fucking in there? Good stuff.

Swear I just saw a guy in Deadliest Catch garb. This is the valley, so I'm sure he'll find crabs; just might not be the kind he's looking 4.

Does anyone else start fake coughing violently when someone encroaches on your personal space in public, or is it just me?

If the first 3 words in your tweet don't grab my attention, I move on. Same goes for books and RL conversations. Life is just too short, yo.