i just sharted in my jorts while sexting and my frenemy the manoxeric with the jeggings and cankles was like "chillax bridezilla"

Katy Perry was right, I AM a firework!!!! (I smell bad and I'm not allowed in Massachusetts anymore)

A good name for a mediocre drag queen with constant bitter beer face would be Marcia Gay Hardon.

new york is the city that never sleeps because it's impossible to fall asleep and pat your own back at the same time

I wish it was called FUDGEMENT DAY & hot fudge poured out from heaven! I'd make a boat out of bananas & I'd eat the boat & die! cc @satan

Tonight I asked my mom what makes me unique and she reminded me that as a child I thought she was a velociraptor in a human suit.

If you're on the W. Coast, there is a ventriloquist dummy who's come to life currently winning on Wheel of Fortune and it is TERRIFYING

LADIES! Don't watch HGTV, paint your nails & drink white wine at once! I grew an extra ovary & now it's poking my chocolate sack (stomach).

I started a fight with my friend who works at Google about how Google+ is dumb just so I could scream "SOCIAL MEDIA IS TEARING US APART!"

Guys only want ONE thing, ladies: Sex and food and clothes and music and love and robot movies, basically all the same stuff we do I guess

April showers bring May showers bring June curling up in the shower and sobbing uncontrollably (the Seattle version)

Is there a 900 number I can call to hear guys explain their forearm tattoos?

MOVIE IDEA: A sociopath who kills cats by putting them in photocopiers inspires a string of similar crimes. "The Copycat Copycat Killer."

Just screamed like a chimp because a jogger gently exhaled as he ran past me on the street. #surprise #espresso

can you chocolate-dip a feeling? can you deep fry a hug? - part of a new poem/business plan i'm working on

"cucumber buttsnatch?" - boyfriend trying to remember Benedict Cumberbatch's name

this week-old piece of office birthday cake tastes like life

"Wow I really hope the guy singing over every word of the song playing at this party will be my husband somedayyyyy!" - no girl at all ever

this guy at the bar walked away after I said guy fieri is like a muppet who went on spring break and got an std, tell me what did I do wrong

i would not be surprised if you showed me an x-ray of the inside of cee lo and it was a rainbow ball pit and the balls are filled with coke.