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At the end of the day, we're all just somebody's crazy ex.
Guys, when Adele goes "I heard that your dreams came true Guess she gave you things, I couldn't give to you" was it anal? I bet it was anal.
"A woman worth spending money on, is a woman who doesn't require you to."
50 Shades of Letting People on the Train Know You're Not Getting Laid
How fucking great are boobs? No-one's ever hugged me for less than 5 seconds. Your move, skinny girls.
"Man, that sucks" - the full extent of my sympathy.
We get it, HBO. You're allowed to show tits.
If you accidentally pocket-dial me a 15 min long voice mail I'm gonna listen to all of it expecting you to mention my name in a conversation
The way people say "dysfunctional relationship" like there's any other kind.
Guys, if your new chick is dumb enough to ask about your ex the appropriate responses are "fat", "high maintenance" and "frigid". Be wise.
guys let's have a moment of silence for all those who have ever been stuck in traffic on their way to the gym to ride stationary bicycles..
"I have nothing to hide" - someone who's really fucking boring, probably.
Girls, if you're having a bad day just remember that at least half a dozen guys have jerked off to the thought of you. Muffin top or not.
If the terms & conditions of a gym membership stated you could NEVER tell people you're going to the gym, too few of you would actually sign
Girls, whenever you feel down just remember how many inconvenient boners you have contributed to. Yes, darling, YOU did that. Well done.
People like to bring up your past when your present & future looks better than theirs. Shout out to my bullies all knocked up & unemployed.
Who's to say Drake and Adele weren't just singing about/to each other all along?
Word of the day: bacardio (verb); exercising whilst drunk/drinking. Spread the word, kids. If it's a thing people won't judge me at the gym!
Chicks who quote Marilyn Monroe, it's not that he's INCAPABLE of handling you at your worst it's just that he doesn't WANT to.
My tweets are what some might call misfortune cookies. FAQ: it's pronounced mace.